Together
by Annarita
Summary: After living in a flat in London for nearly four years, it felt so amazing to live in an actual house, but perhaps it was even more amazing because of the people she shared her home with -her husband, Admiral Harmon Rabb, Jr. and their bubbly, adventurous, intelligent and adorable daughter. Prequel to "Tell Me The Story" and "Unity". "Bonus" chapter added as Chapter 9a on 4/15/20
1. Prologue

**Together**

Rating: T

Summary: After living in a flat in London for four years, and in her own Georgetown apartment for nine years before that, it felt so amazing to live in an actual house, but perhaps it was even more amazing because of the people she shared her home with -her husband, Admiral Harmon Rabb, Jr. and their bubbly, adventurous, intelligent and adorable daughter, Caroline.

A/N: This is a prequel to my story "Tell Me The Story." In that story, I alluded to the harder times Harm and Mac experienced in their marriage which involved a tragic end of Mac's second pregnancy. I felt the need to elaborate on it and that it deserved its own story.

The usual disclaimers apply, they aren't mine and never will be. I just own the typos and such.

* * *

Rabb Residence  
Alexandria, VA  
September 10, 2009

Sarah MacKenzie Rabb smiled as she sat on the front porch with her feet up while she drank hot tea from her mug. She sighed contently taking in the view around her. She was surprised how much she enjoyed the scenery and living in the suburbs.

Their street looked like a scene from a movie – tall oak trees lines the road, every house had beautiful flowers and perfectly manicured lawns, and every large brick house on the street held so much character. It also helped that the neighbors were friendly and Bud and Harriet lived a few streets away.

Ah, yes, it was good to be back in the States - more specifically Washington, DC. After living in a flat in London for four years, and in her own Georgetown apartment for nine years before that, it felt so amazing to live in an actual house, but perhaps it was even more amazing because of the people she shared her home with.

Those people were her husband, Admiral Harmon Rabb, Jr., who was currently assigned to the Pentagon as the legal counsel to the Joint Chiefs of Staff -and on the fast track to be the JAG when General Cresswell retired in the not so distant future- and their bubbly, adventurous, intelligent and adorable daughter, Caroline, who would be turning three in a few weeks.

Mac was completely satisfied with the way her life turned out that fateful night she wound up at Harm's apartment after they received new orders. Honestly, she couldn't even say what made her go to him, but she thanked God every single day that she did.

She blushed as she remembered the intensity of the kiss they shared. How it wasn't the first kiss they shared, but it felt so new and exciting because of the barrier they broke, the walls that were knocked down, and the incredible new level of intimacy that was formed which they only dared to fantasize about before had _finally_ been reached.

She recalled how thrilled Bud and Harriet were when they called to share the news, and asked for Bud to bring the JAG coin to McMurphy's. Harriet was completely and truly over the moon that they had finally figured out what others had seen in the relationship years ago.

" _You're two independent people," she said. "You had to come to this realization in your own time."_

Maybe she was right, but they still needed the wake-up call of almost being sent to different continents to push them into confronting the dance they had been dancing for the better part of their partnership. And even that fateful coin toss was enough to push her to take action and not leave everything up to fate after all.

* * *

 _As soon as the coin was tossed into the air, Mac knew what she wanted the outcome to be. Without giving it another thought, she reached up and snatched the coin before it could land. This decision was too important to be left to fate, and she was going to do something about it._

 _Their friends were stunned, their immediate circle was absolutely silent. It was as if no one knew what to say or how to process what just happened._

 _Harm was feeling a lot of emotions in the moment as he tried to figure what her actions meant. Did she have second thoughts about marrying him? Did she decide she didn't want to risk losing her career and wanted to make a long-distance marriage out of the situation?_

 _It felt like an eternity of silence, but Mac later had informed Harm that it was only one minute and twenty-six seconds before she finally said, "What? I've always wanted to go to London," with a smile._

 _Their friends' expressions went from shock and confusion to joy and happiness._

 _"I hear it's lovely there," Harriet offered._

 _"The Marines will miss you," Cresswell began, "But if you **must** leave us for the Navy, I'm glad you picked this squid," he slapped Harm on the shoulder. "Congratulations you two. I wish you as much happiness as Dora and I have had."_

 _"So, I see you two disobeyed my orders," came a booming voice from across the room._

 _"Admiral!" Mac exclaimed._

 _"I seem to recall telling you two not to get too familiar with each other because you had to work together." He said as stepped closer to the circle of friends. "I don't think I've ever been this happy that two people did not listen to me." He gave Mac a hug and the shook Harm's hand._

 _"How did you know we were here, sir?" Harm finally managed to ask._

 _"I happened to be in town visiting my namesake when you called Bud and Harriet, so Harriet invited me along. I hope you don't mind."_

 _"Not at all!" Mac answered. "It wouldn't be the same without you."_

 _They spent the evening with their friends for the rest of the night, and didn't leave the bar until it closed. They said their farewells to all the people who became their family over the years, and Harriet came up with a plan to help get a small wedding ceremony in place the following week in Washington. For a brief moment, Mac had to wonder it was all a dream._

 _"Your place or mine?" Harm whispered as he placed his hand on the small of her back when they made their way to the parking lot._

 _The contact made Mac smile and her senses tingle. It was definitely not a dream. "You don't have a bed anymore..." She whispered._

 _"Then, it's settled - your place it is..."_

 _His place was closer, but they both knew what was about to happen and there was no way it was going to happen on the floor of his loft. They hailed a cab and sat close to each other in the back seat. Never one for public displays of affection before, Mac was amazed at how easily it was to rest her head on Harm's shoulder._

 _"There's something we need to discuss," he said softly, his voice breaking the spell over them._

 _"Hmm?" She questioned, only half paying attention because she was distracted by drawing lazy patterns over his thigh. "I like your dress whites more," she murmured. "Just in case you were wondering."_

 _"Mac," he said a little more forcefully. "It's important," he placed his hand over hers. "I need to know why you did it. Why you grabbed the coin," he clarified. She sacrificed her career, and a part of him was thankful, but another part felt guilty that she caught the coin before it landed and he didn't. He loved his career, but he loved Mac more. He would give up his career time and time again if it would make her happy._

 _"Why wouldn't, I?" Like a true lawyer she answered his question with a question. He raised an eyebrow and she knew he wouldn't leave it at that. "You gave up everything for me once before, Harm. Everything. Let me do this for you, please," she practically begged him. "The Navy is everything you wanted since you were six years old. You have so much invested in it…flying and the law. It's who you are."_

 _"You love the Marines," he felt the need to state the obvious to her._

 _"Yes, but it was a means to end and end for me. They dried me out and put my life back on track. I can be a lawyer anywhere, Harm, I don't have to be a JAG. I can even teach law or something like that. I love you more than the Marines."_

 _"I love you more than the Navy."_

 _"I know," she assured him. "You proved that before." She reached out to caresses his face. "I pushed you away because I needed to hear the words, but you are a man of action. I should have known then that your actions proved what you couldn't find the words to say."_

 _He held her hand to his face and gave it a sideways kiss. "You deserved the words."_

 _She felt herself relaxing against the magic of his touch. "I'm not sure if I ever told you before, but when Harriet resigned when she was pregnant with the twins I went to visit her. I wanted to see if she regretted her choice, and she didn't - not one bit. She said it felt like a collaboration with God…being pregnant. I want to try to experience that. I want a family with you. I know we didn't get into specifics, but if we end up going the IVF route, being on active duty will complicate that. Trust me, Harm, this is the right thing to do."_

 _"I trust you more than anyone else...I trust you with my life."_

 _"Right back at you, squid," she smiled._

 _The cab pulled up in front of Mac's building and Harm paid the driver before extending his hand to help Mac exit the cab._

 _"I'll miss this place. It's the first place that ever felt like home," she offered, suddenly not liking the silence that filled the space between them. Nine years boiled down to this moment and it terrified her and excited her all the same. Every fantasy she ever had about making love together flashed through her mind – slow and passionate, hot and heavy._

 _Harm's lips claimed hers as they entered her apartment. The door was pushed shut with a thud and Harm and Mac practically tripped over each other as they tried to kick their shoes off without breaking contact. It would be so difficult, she knew, to make love tonight and then board separate planes in the morning…she hated that she had to report to San Diego until a replacement could be found and that it would be an entire week until they were reunited for their wedding ceremony._

 _"You're preoccupied about something," he stated. He was able to read her like a book. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to." He wanted her in every possible way, but if she wasn't ready for that change in their relationship yet, they would wait. He would always be there. They waited nine years, what was a few more days of fantasizing in the scheme of things? He realized how fast they were moving. They went from being barely sociable last year, to finding solid friendship again after her accident. Then tonight they basically went from friends to an eternity together in under ten minutes. It was overwhelming._

 _"It's going to be so hard-" she began._

 _"Well, I would certainly hope so!" He interjected. He couldn't resist. She made it so easy for him to tease her._

 _"Men!" She laughed while she playfully swatted him on the shoulder. "You're all the same."_

 _He nibbled the soft skin of her neck, just below her jaw, and wondered how he lived without it for nine years. "You won't be saying that later."_

 _"Your ego is as big as a tomcat."_

 _It was his turn to laugh before he became serious again. "I meant it, Mac. If you want to stop, just say the words. No questions asked, no explanation necessary."_

 _"Always an officer and a gentleman, I see."_

 _"I'm serious."_

 _Her lips curved into a smile. "I know, and believe me I don't want to stop. Not one bit." That was enough to hear for Harm to resumed his kisses across her neck and collarbone. "What I did mean was- it will be so difficult to spend the night with you tonight, and then have to go our separate ways for a week." She pulled him as close to her as she possibly could._

 _"I have a suggestion…something that might help in a way."_

 _"You do?" She raised an eyebrow._

 _"I know it's inevitable, reporting for duty, but it's only temporary. So, why don't you stay with my Mom and Frank while you are there? La Jolla is only a half hour away from San Diego. My mom suggested it when I called her earlier to tell her the news." He knew he was rambling, but kissing Sarah MacKenzie was intoxicating, and it was hard to stay focused._

 _"I've never met Frank! And I only met your mom once!"_

 _"My mom would be over the moon. She always knew you were something special to me. It would be a great way to get to know them, and I'm sure my mom has litany of things to tell you about my childhood."_

 _Mac's hands moved from his neck to shoulders to his arms. "I'll consider it," she smiled. "I'd love to hear about all the trouble you caused as a kid," she teased._

 _He smiled against the crook of her neck. "My mom could probably write a book about it."_

 _"Okay," Mac agreed. "I'll call her tomorrow." She began to tug him towards the bedroom. "Come on, sailor," she practically sang as she tugged at his bow tie to loosen it._

 _"There's something I need to do first..."_

 _Mac was utterly confused. "What on Earth are you talking about?"_

 _He reached into his pocket and pulled out a red velvet box, "You need a ring," he stated simply as he opened the box._

 _"It's beautiful," she gushed as she saw it. "How on Earth did you manage to come up with a ring so quickly?"_

 _"I had it for a while." He blushed._

 _Mac knit her brows together. "What do you mean?"_

 _Sensing her confusion, Harm knew he had to make it clear that he didn't buy it for another woman. "Um, it, uh, was actually Grandma Sarah's first. Then, my dad gave it to my mom, and I knew it had to belong to you," he took it out of the box and held it up to her. "I asked my mom to bring it the last time she came to visit. I, um, actually, uh, I brought it with me to Paraguay. I was going to, well..."_

 _Mac was speechless. Harm was really going to state his intentions and she put the brakes on them before he even had a chance. Stupid, stupid, stupid, she thought._

 _"In hindsight," he continued, "it was pretty stupid to bring an heirloom like this on a mission like that, but I told myself if I found you alive, I was going to make my feelings known, but well, you know...our reunion wasn't rainbows and butterflies...and Webb was all cozy with you...and I never figured out how to say what I wanted, and I reverted into being an arrogant ass and insensitive jerk. " He slid the ring on her finger and it was a perfect fit - a white gold band with a European cut diamond. Mac was pretty sure she had never seen a more beautiful ring ever before. "I thought if we tabled the conversation..."_

 _Mac lunged herself into his arms with a force that almost knocked them to the ground. In fact, had it not been for Harm's aviator reflexes they probably would have been on the ground. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was the insensitive jerk. Not you," she crossed her ankles around his waist and her arms around his neck. She held on as if her life depended on it and he was her lifeline now. Her tears felt hot as they spilled against his skin. "Please forgive me. I love you. I love you so much. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."_

 _Harm managed to carry her the rest of the way to the bedroom and gently placed her in the middle of the bed. He brushed her hair away from her eyes, and used his thumbs to wipe away some of the tears. "Ssh, ssh. Listen to me, Mac. That's the past. It's done, it's over. We're together now. That is what is important._

 _She nodded slowly. "I shouldn't have treated you better. You deserved better."_

 _"Enough talking, Mac." He assaulted her body with sweet, sensual kisses. "You are thinking too much. Relax."_

 _She brought his face back up to hers. "And just to be crystal clear with you, I want to do this with you more than I have ever wanted to do anything in my entire life."_

 _"I do love you, Sarah, more than you could imagine."_

 _The sound of her given name coming from Harm's lips ignited the fire within her even more. When Mic, Dalton, and Webb called her Sarah, it was possessive. Yet, when Harm called her Sarah, it was reserved for the most intimate of times. It was special and not possessive in the least. "Show me," she whispered seductively against his lips. "More actions, less words. You are man of action after all, aren't you?" She challenged._

 _His only semi-verbal response was a throaty chuckle._

 _In the wee hours of the morning, it became evident that neither one of them would be getting much sleep. Coming down from the most amazing high she ever felt, Mac sighed contently as Harm rolled them over and kept her securely in his arms. "Amazing," she murmured._

 _Harm placed a gentle kiss in her hair and held her as close as he possibly could. Being with Mac was different than being with any other woman. Tonight was the night he realized what it was like to actually "make love."_

 _"Harm?"_

 _"Yeah?"_

 _"I take back my former statement - all men aren't the same. You stand out above **anyone** else." She placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth. For the first time, in this aspect of her life, she finally felt like her own needs, wants, desires, and wishes were as important as those of the man she was with. They were equals._

* * *

The trip down memory lane caused her skin to flush and even though it was a cool autumn night, she had to fan herself with her hand in an attempt to cool down. The sound of footsteps on the stairs to the porch caught Mac off guard and briefly startled her before she realized it was Harm. "Harm!"

"Hi," he grinned. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't," she tried to play it off as she brought her mug to her lips and took a long sip of tea.

"Oh, I think I did. What has you so hot and bothered?" He raised an eyebrow.

"How'd you know?" She stammered – not even bothering to deny it.

He really could read her like a book apparently.

"You're blushing," he stated simply. "You don't blush very easily, unless of course you are thinking about something that is pretty... intense." He winked.

Out of fear of dropping the mug from her hands, she set it on the table. "Maybe I was."

"And you aren't going to share with the class?" He loosened his tie as he sat down on the chair adjacent to hers.

"Maybe we can have a show and tell later," she smiled seductively. "How was your day?"

"Political," he answered with a sigh. "These are the days where I really miss investigating, prosecuting and defending."

"I'm sorry."

He shrugged and removed his tie the rest of the way before unbuttoning his collar. "How was Caroline? I tried to get home before bedtime."

"She missed you. She's quite the little negotiator, too, you know. She negotiated two bedtime stories from me tonight, and _three_ from Daddy tomorrow. Hell, if she asked for a puppy I would have caved on the spot - that's how convincing she was."

Harm chuckled. "She doesn't have your looks or my looks, but she certainly has our brains."

Mac grinned. "Who would have possibly imagined how the baby deal would actually turn out all those years ago?"

"Either way, it was bound to be a perfect combination..."

She laced her fingers through his. "Maybe we will have another one someday…." She trailed off.

"Maybe," he agreed softy.

They decide to let nature run its course. They haven't actively been trying to have another baby, but they haven't actively been trying _not_ to have another baby either. A heavy silence filled the air before Mac stood up from the chair. "Are you hungry? I fixed you a plate, it just needs to be warmed up."

"Yeah, that sounds great. I'll go look in on Caroline and then meet you in the kitchen." He reached for her hand and then waved for her to enter the house before him with his free hand.

"Um, Harm?" She asked as she turned around to face him.

"Yeah, Mac?"

"Did you forget to do something when you came home … like give your wife a kiss?"

"Was my wife here when I came home?" He teased, his arms crossed at his chest and his eyes sparkling with amusement. "She seemed to be a million miles away."

"She was thinking about you," she whispered before he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers.

This was one of her favorite parts of the day.


	2. Chapter 1

Rabb Residence  
November 21, 2009

Saturday mornings were one of Mac's favorite days. Early in their marriage, she discovered that it was the only day Harm would sleep in. She always knew she was a morning person and he was more of a night owl, so she was a little bit surprised to discover that he _only_ slept in on Saturdays and not Sundays, too. Saturdays were a lazy day for him, where he would take his time waking up, making breakfast, and reading the newspaper. Sundays, however, he still woke up as early as he would for the work week, go for a run, and do anything that need done around the house.

Before Caroline was born, Mac would get up early and putter around the house on Saturdays. She found that she liked those few hours of alone time. Granted she had plenty of alone time when Harm was at work, but it was different on Saturdays. It felt oddly domestic and reminded her of the kind of happy and peaceful family life that she dreamed for as a child. She enjoyed knowing that he was home and asleep just down the hall, while she was doing random things. It made her feel _normal,_ content, and happy.

She would drink her Marine grade coffee before Harm would brew his blend and enjoy the quietness of the apartment while she read the latest legal journals or called Mattie while she was at the rehab center.

They never actually adopted Mattie before she turned eighteen because of the roller coaster Tom took them on. Tom would stay sober for a stretch of time, be a doting father, and attend her therapy sessions. Then out of the blue, he would just stop coming and they would later learn he fell off the wagon again. The judge didn't feel it was right to terminate his parental rights as long as he was making an effort, so Harm and Mac were only granted guardianship. Unfortunately, Mac learned that was a common trend for most cases like Mattie's. The goal was to preserve the family unit, but Mac couldn't help but to wonder where the line had to be drawn. Sometimes, trying preserve the family unit caused more harm than good.

It was an uphill battle just getting the long-term guardianship as the judge was not impressed with Harm being stationed in London, and didn't feel like Mattie should be moved across the world in her condition especially when there was a chance that Tom _may_ get his act together again. Mattie wrote a very persuasive letter and testified via video to the judge that it was what she wanted to do. Tom agreed to the move – stating it was in Mattie's best interest -as long as he didn't have to relinquish his rights and the judge agreed. Eventually, when she was strong enough, Mattie was moved from a rehab facility in the DC to one in London. After twelve weeks in the London facility, Mattie was strong enough to gradate to outpatient therapy and was able to move into the flat with them.

During her time in London, Tom never made an effort to contact Mattie or see how she was, and many of Mattie's phone calls to him went unanswered. Harm and Mac made it very clear to Mattie that even though the law did not currently see her has their daughter, she would still be that to them. Being the lawyers that they were, they immediately updated their wills to include Mattie in the event of the unthinkable happening to them. They also told her that it wasn't the end of the road and they could pursue an adult adoption process if and when she would want to once, they moved back to the US. Unfamiliar with adult adoptions before, a friend of Harm's from law school had mentioned it as possibility, and it was something that could still be an option down the road.

After Caroline was born, her Saturday ritual changed slightly. Mac would quietly slip out of bed and nurse Caroline as they rocked gently in the rocking chair. She memorized the sweet baby smell and would often find herself falling back asleep as well.

Now that Caroline was a toddler, the Saturday mornings were busier and not as laid back as they once had been. Caroline was almost always awake and smiling when Mac would poke her head into her room in the early morning hours. They would spend some precious mother daughter time together over a light breakfast and play with whatever Caroline's favorite toy of the week was before they would do what the both looked forward to the most – wake up Harm.

Harm could hear the pitter-patter of Caroline's feet on the hardwood floor and her excited "whispers" every single time, but he always pretended that he was asleep and let her have the "thrill" of waking him up because he knew how much she loved it, and how much Mac enjoyed watching, too.

Mac lifted Caroline onto the bed, and Caroline army crawled across to Harm's side. "Daddy, wake up!" She all but screamed as she bounced on the bed. "It's morning!"

Harm pretended to still be asleep, but couldn't stop his smile. "Daddy's sleeping," he finally said.

"No, you aren't," Caroline giggled. "You're talking to me."

Harm opened one eye and his smile grew.

"See!" Caroline crawled on top of him and gave him a slobbery kiss on the cheek. "You know it's morning."

Harm sat up and used the back of his hand to wipe away the slobber from his face. "Thank you for the kiss, Itsy-Bitsy. It's my favorite part of Saturday morning." He tickled her and blew raspberries on her belly. "The Tickle Machine is gonna get you."

The sounds of her laughter and delightful squeals filled the air and Mac came over to sit on the bed, too. "Good morning."

"Morning."

"What's on the agenda for today?" Mac asked.

"Anything you two want to do," Harm replied as he held Caroline to try to get her to stop jumping up and down on the bed.

"Waffles, peas!" Caroline chimed in.

"Waffles, huh?" Harm asked "Didn't you have breakfast with Mommy a little bit ago?"

"Yes, but I wants waffles, too. I is a big girl, not a baby. I am this many." She held up three fingers.

"Well, in that case, I think we can have waffles."

"And play on the swing set?"

"I think it is supposed to rain all day," Harm frowned. "How about we play airplane instead?"

"Airpane! Airpane! Airpane!" Caroline chanted. "Now."

"After breakfast," he assured her. Caroline pouted, and even though she had Harm wrapped around her finger the second she was born, he was always a stickler for the rules. "After breakfast," he repeated.

"Can I haves breakfast now?"

"Yes, you may."

"Mommy want waffles?" Caroline asked.

"Maybe in a little bit. Mommy wants to take a shower first; do you think you can handle helping Daddy make the waffles?" She tucked a few strands of stray hair behind her daughter's ear.

"I is a good helper! I can!"

"You're the best helper," Mac gave Caroline a kiss before she headed towards the master bathroom.

* * *

Once in the bathroom, Mac locked the door and pressed her ear against it, patiently waiting for Harm and Caroline to go downstairs. When she was certain they had left, she unlocked the door and quickly made her way to the closet. She pulled a brown paper bag out from one of her tote bags and dashed back into the bathroom and locked the door again. With trembling hands, she opened the bag and pulled out the last pregnancy test box she had.

This had been a common occurrence in the recent months.

Ever since they decided to let nature take its course, she had been finding herself taking a pregnancy test each time her period was later than it was supposed to be - which due to the endometriosis, was more often than not these days.

Each time, the test was negative and not too long afterwards her body would confirm what she already knew. An emotionally painful realization each time, she still determined that getting the result of the negative pregnancy test helped cushion the blow when her period did arrive.

This was a "ritual" that was kept private and she never told Harm about it. She couldn't see the point in getting his hopes up, too, only to be disappointed in the end. She couldn't bring herself to do that to him.

Mac sighed as she opened the package, there was no need to read the directions and her internal clock timed the wait time perfectly.

The minutes ticked by slowly and always felt like an eternity. She would brush her teeth and then turn on the shower. It served a dual purpose – heating the water to the perfect temperature and muffling the sounds of her cries when the word Not Pregnant or a negative sign appeared on the testing stick.

Mac spit out her toothpaste, dabbed her mouth with washcloth, and removed her pajamas before she took a deep breath and braced herself to look at the test.

 _Pregnant._

The word floored her. She braced herself against the countertop and reminded herself to breathe as she splashed cold water against her face.

"Pregnant," she whispered in amazement. "Pregnant."

Taking deep breaths, she entered the shower and debated what she should do next. She knew that at home tests were incredibly reliable these days, but she also knew there was a chance it could be wrong – no matter how slim – and that made her anxious.

She did the mental math and, if her calculations were correct, assuming she ovulated when she was supposed to, conception would have been when Harm returned home from a TAD to the NATO HQ in Brussels, which would put her at roughly five weeks. Ironically, that was just a few days past Caroline's third birthday.

Yes, for someone who wasn't _actively_ trying to conceive, Mac was very attuned to how her cycle _should_ be.

She considered waiting and telling Harm once she went to the doctor, but then she considered the possibility that she wasn't actually pregnant and how that news would break her. _That_ was something she had to tell Harm. She couldn't imagine _thinking_ she was pregnant for a few days and then finding out she _wasn't_ pregnant, and not being able to be able to share that with Harm. This was important and she could never hide something like the from him.

"I'll tell him tonight," she said as she stepped into the shower. "Tonight."

As she began to shampoo her hair, she recalled the day she told Harm she was pregnant with Caroline.

* * *

 _She hadn't suspected she was pregnant at first, after all they pretty much gave up on trying and decided to come what may. As newlyweds, and with nine years of lost time to make up for, it was hard to adhere to the meticulous charting and the constant doctor's appointments were stressful enough, but the two failed attempts at IVF almost destroyed her. Adoption was a possibility that wasn't thrown out, but being stationed in London caused for a lot of red tape, and if they decided to go that route, it would most likely have to wait until they returned stateside._

 _So, when her period was a little later than normal, she didn't give it much thought as it wasn't unusual to be very late or even skip one altogether. Then, when she started feeling more tired, she still didn't give it much thought. Actually, the only reason she made an appointment when she did was because she was fearing that the endometriosis was getting worse and she would need another laparoscopy, taking a home pregnancy test honestly didn't even cross her mind._

 _When the doctor came back and revealed that she didn't need another surgery, but she was in fact pregnant, Mac felt like she was floating. She all but ran out of the doctor's office and straight to Harm's office. However, in her excitement, she forgot that that he was in meetings with the SecNav all day and would be unavailable until Petty Officer Coates reminded her when she asked if she could see him. Mac told Coates that she completely forgot, but there was no need to pull him out of his meetings or to tell him that she stopped by afterwards._

 _On the way back to their flat, she thought about how to tell Harm the news. She could just blurt out "I'm pregnant" when he walked through the door, but that didn't feel right. Then she thought about planning a special romantic evening, romance was pretty common for them these days, but that didn't seem quite right to her either._

 _As she unlocked the door to the flat, it hit her – the perfect way to tell Harm about the baby. She would draft a legal memo. It was unique, special, and memorable. It suited them. She kicked off her shoes at the door and tossed her purse on the couch before she made a beeline to the office to begin typing_

 _"Mac!" Harm called as he entered their flat. "I'm home."_

 _No answer._

 _"Where are you?"_

" _I'm in the office," she finally called out, her voice sounding soft and distant._

 _Harm loosened his tie and deposited his uniform jacket on one of the chairs before he made his way to the office. "How was your day?" He asked as he leaned against the door frame; she was busy typing on the laptop and only half paying attention to him. For a brief moment it almost felt as if they were back at the JAG HQ._

 _"It was fine."_

 _"Jen said you came looking for me while I was in my meeting with the SecNav. Everything okay?"_

 _"What? Oh, yeah. I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd see if my handsome husband was able to meet me for a late lunch. I completely forgot that you were in meetings all day. She didn't need to tell you I was there."_

 _First of all, it wasn't like Mac to forget about the days when she knew he would be out of reach for most of the day. And secondly, there really wasn't anything near is office which could explain why Mac would be "in the neighborhood." Obviously, he reasoned, Mac must have made a special trip, even though she didn't want to admit it._

 _"Anyways," Mac continued, "I'm actually glad we couldn't meet for lunch. It gave me a chance to work on this." She said as the printer came to life. "Would you mind looking this legal memo over for me?" She asked as it came off the printer._

 _"Why are you writing legal memos?" He asked, confused as he walked towards the desk. "Did you get a new job that I don't know about?"_

 _"Something like that," she said as she handed him the paper._

 _"Who's it for?"_

 _"You."_

 _"Me? What are you talking about?"_

 _"Just read it. Please," she added after realizing she sounded a little abrupt._

 _Harm flipped the paper over and looked at it. It read:_

 _ **Memorandum**_

 _ **To: Captain Harmon Rabb, Jr.**_

 _ **From: Sarah MacKenzie Rabb**_

 _ **Date: March 12, 2006**_

 _ **Re: The Baby Deal**_

 _ **History**_

 _ **On May 18, 1999, Harmon Rabb, Jr. and Sarah MacKenzie entered into a verbal agreement. In this agreement, it was agreed upon that if, in five years from that moment, neither one of them were in a relationship, they would go halves on a child together.**_

 _ **Issue**_

 _ **However, due to the discovery of Sarah MacKenzie suffering from endometriosis, it was believed and predicted that there was less than a four percent chance of her conceiving a child.**_

 _ **Question**_

 _ **Is it possible for a miracle to happen with only a four percent chance?**_

 _ **Brief Answer**_

 _ **Yes, miracles can happen.**_

 _ **Additional Facts**_

 _ **After two failed attempts of in-vitro fertilization occurring in July and September 2005, respectively, the aforementioned parties decided to take a break and try to enjoy being newlyweds after their May 7, 2005 nuptials. During that time, the couple enjoyed the relationship they had been waiting for so long – no planning, no charting, no shots, no abstaining for periods of time - and spent the last week of January 2006 in Dublin, Ireland as the honeymoon they never had. At some point throughout the week, the couple made good on their deal and conceived a child.**_

 _ **Conclusion**_

 _ **Baby Rabb is expected to arrive on October 25, 2006, and it can be determined that, to date, Harmon Rabb. Jr. has not made a promise he cannot keep.**_

 _Mac loved watching as she saw his facial expressions go from to confusion to pure joy. "Sarah…" he said so softly she almost couldn't hear him._

 _By now there were tears silently streaming down her face, and all she could do was nod her head. He opened his arms to her and she quickly stepped into his embrace. "I love you, I love you, I love you." He whispered against her hair. "Talk to me," he encouraged when she didn't say anything. "How do you feel?"_

 _"How do you feel?" She countered as she wrapped her arms around his waist and held on tightly._

 _"I'm elated…thrilled…ecstatic. But I asked you how you felt?"_

 _"I'm all, of that," she agreed with a sniffle. "But…"_

 _"But what?" He asked._

 _"I'm so scared," she sobbed, allowing herself to let the walls down. "What if something goes wrong?"_

 _He nodded his head against her cheek and blinked back his own tears. "Listen to me," he began as he made her look him in the eye. "We take this one day at a time, and no matter what happens, we will get through it together. Okay? After all," he grinned, "we always did our best work together."_

* * *

By the time Mac had finished reminiscing on that night, the hot water had turned cold. She sighed as she finished rinsing the conditioner out of her hair. Realizing that her shower was taking much longer than usual, and Harm was probably going to be suspicious, she quickly finished rinsing off, threw on a pair of yoga pants along with one of Harm's NAVY sweatshirts, and blow dried her hair before she made her to the kitchen.


	3. Chapter 2

Rabb Residence  
November 21, 2009

"I was beginning to wonder if I should call in a search and rescue team," Harm said, without looking up from the waffle iron when he could hear Mac approaching.

Mac couldn't help but to smile to herself. She _knew_ he would notice that she took a lot longer than usual. "It's just one of those lazy days where I didn't feel the need to rush," she replied as she walked into the kitchen. "Mmmm, it smells delicious," she then added.

"Yummy waffles," Caroline offered.

Harm turned to face Mac and smiled when he saw her appearance. He loved their causal, intimate family moments when she didn't wear makeup. He also loved her choice of attire today. "Nice sweatshirt, Mac. Can I send a picture to the Marines? Maybe Cresswell and Gunny, perhaps?"

"You're a funny man, you know," she smiled. "They'd sue me over this."

"Luckily for you, I happen to know a very good Navy JAG who would represent you…and win!"

"Do you think Bud is up for it?" She teased.

"You wound me, MacKenzie," he pretended to be insulted.

Mac just smiled at him for a moment, lost in thought, before Caroline grabbed her hand with her maple syrup covered fingers.

"Caroline!" Mac exclaimed, surprised.

Harm quickly grabbed a wet paper towel and handed it to Mac.

"Try 'em, Momma. Yummy."

Mac wiped her own hands and then began to clean the syrup off of Caroline's. "Mommy will have waffles, too, after we both get cleaned up."

"Mattie called," Harm began while he made a plate of waffles for Mac. "She said all her professors cancelled their classes for Tuesday, and since she doesn't have any classes scheduled for Mondays, she's going to be able to drive up tomorrow morning or afternoon."

"That's great! It will be nice to have her here for a few extra days instead of just for her Thanksgiving break."

"I know. I'm glad she picked a college that was within driving distance and she's able to make changes like that on a whim."

Mac nodded. "The University of Richmond was good fit for her. It's far enough away that she can assert her independence, yet still close enough that we can get to each other in two hours or so if we need to...even faster if you fly there," she teased.

Mac sat down at the breakfast bar, and Harm slid her plate over to her distractedly. Mac knew he had something on his mind when he didn't even make a comment about her flying remark.

"What else is going on?" Mac asked.

"She said she had something important to discuss with us."

"Oh? Something good or something bad?"

"She didn't say and hung up before I could ask more questions. Hopefully, she's not going to tell us she's engaged or pregnant. She hasn't been with that kid that long," he offered half-jokingly, half seriously.

"That kid has a name," Mac reminded him. "It's Andrew, and he's in the Navy, you of all people should like him."

"I know what Navy guys are like at that age, and I want him far away from Mattie."

Mac sighed as she finished wiping the syrup off of Caroline's face and pushed away the child's now empty plate before she could stick her hands in it again. "Hopefully your daddy mellows out by the time you start dating, Caroline."

"She's not dating until she's thirty! At least!" Harm exclaimed, wide-eyed. "I mean it, Mac!" He took the empty plate that Mac slid across the counter and placed it in the sink.

"Daddy's being silly," Mac told Caroline with a laugh. "So silly."

"Daddy silly!" Caroline exclaimed, repeating after her mother.

"Mattie is way too young to be a parent," Harm said, bringing the conversation back to Mattie. "She's practically a child herself still. What do _you_ think he wants to tell us?"

"Honestly, I don't know, Harm. I don't even have a guess."

"Not one?"

"No, do you?" She picked up her silverware and began to eat her waffles.

He shrugged. "No, not really."

"Whatever it is, Harm, I'm sure everything is okay."

He gave her a look that asked something along the lines of – and what if it isn't?

Reading his thoughts, Mac continued, "And if something is wrong, we'll adapt. All of us will figure it out together, but I'm sure everything is just fine. It has to be."

"You're rather optimistic this morning, Marine."

Mac shrugged, not wanting to bring up the pregnancy test that she took yet. "Pessimism never won any battle."

Harm immediately recognized the quote. "Thanks for that, General Eisenhower." He jokingly rolled his eyes at her.

"You're welcome." She batted her eyelashes in her own teasing manner.

Growing bored watching her parent's conversation, Caroline announced, "I'm ready to be a airpane!" She held her hands up in the air. "Airpane, Daddy! Peeeeaaasss!"

Harm finished putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and dried his hands before reaching out towards Caroline. "Okay, come here, you," he said as he lifted her from her booster seat. "We're going to fly right upstairs and get you dressed while Mommy eats breakfast."

"Yay!" Caroline exclaimed between giggles.

"We'll be back soon," Harm said to Mac before lifting Caroline high into the air. "Preparing for takeoff!" He exclaimed as they made their way up the stairs.

"I'm flying!" she laughed uncontrollably. "Yay!"

* * *

Later that evening after, Caroline had fallen asleep, Mac made her way downstairs to Harm's first floor office; still trying to decided how to tell him that she might be pregnant. She didn't want to do some elaborate reveal in case it was, regardless of how rare, a false positive.

 _Just tell him._ She told herself.

"Hey, you have a minute?" She asked as gently tapped on the door to catch his attention.

Harm looked up from his paperwork and smiled. "For you, I have two."

"How generous," Mac laughed as she stepped into the office and walked behind his desk so she could lean against it. "There's, um, something we need to discuss."

Harm dropped his pen on the desk and leaned back in the chair. "Something serious?" He tried to read her expression.

"Uh, yeah. I'd say that."

There was a pause before Harm spoke again. "Do you want to tell me or are we going to play twenty questions?" He asked gently as he folded his arms across his chest, concerned. It wasn't like Mac to beat around the bush. "Mac?" He prompted once more.

"I know you made it very clear to me how you would feel if Mattie was pregnant, but how would you feel if your wife was pregnant?"

He sat up straight in his chair. "Are you...?"

She interjected before he could finish his thought, not wanting him to completely get his hopes up just in case. "I don't know for sure...I think so. The home pregnancy test said yes, but they aren't always accurate. However, statistically it is much more common to get a false negative than a false positive, but..."

"Stop rambling," he reached for her hands and brought them to his lips. Like usual, she noticed how is voice was strong, comforting, and commanding.

"I didn't want to say anything until I knew for sure, but I obviously can't call the doctor until Monday, and I couldn't keep something like this from you either. If it turns out that it is a false positive, I don't think I could bare keeping that to myself. I had to tell you today. I had to," she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

"Ssh, shh. I'm glad you did. We're partners, always, Mac. Always. No one is going to go through anything alone." He gently pulled her forward so she was now sitting on his lap.

She sighed peacefully, feeling the calmest she had since she took the test that morning. She knew it was cliché, but as she sat on his lap, she could swear that her worries were slowly melting away. He always made her feel safe in the best possible way.

Slowly, the corners of Harm's mouth turned into a smile. It was a smile that he reserved only for her and it was somewhere between is patented flyboy grin and the innocent smile of a young child. "I knew you were pregnant," he stated simply.

"How? I just took the test this morning!" She hid the test in a Ziploc bag in her sock drawer in case he wanted to see it, but it wasn't laundry day and she didn't think he'd be in her sock drawer just for the hell of it, so she really didn't know how he would have known.

He wrapped his arms around her and gently caressed her belly. "I just had a feeling."

"Hey, I thought I was the one who had premonitions." She grinned.

"You must be rubbing off on me," he teased.

"Seriously, though, Harm, what made you suspect this?" She asked again, knowing there was some reason for his rationale.

"Honestly?"

"Would you lie to me?" She arched an eyebrow.

"Never," he replied as he placed his palms flat across her stomach and smiled into the crook of her neck. "Do you remember a few days ago when we went to the grocery store?" When she nodded, he continued, "Well, when we came to the case of fresh seafood, you cringed and gagged. You actually went all the way around the store to go and get a carton of milk instead of passing the seafood case twice. You did that when you were pregnant with Caroline, too."

"I did?" Mac questioned, completely unaware that she had subconsciously avoided the seafood and then and now. The fact that her husband noticed that about her gave her butterflies.

"Yeah, it _only_ happened when you were pregnant with Caroline, so when it happened a few days ago, too, I was hoping that maybe you were pregnant again."

"Are you always this observant, Counselor?" She grinned as she placed her hands over his.

"Only with you." He kissed the corner of her mouth. "Only with you."

"You really do know me better than I know myself," she mused.

"How are you feeling?"

"Nervous, excited, and everything in between - just like before."

"We take things one day at time," he reminded her. "Just like before."

"One day at a time," she repeated. "And together."

"Like always."


	4. Chapter 3

Many thanks to each and every one of you for taking the time to read and many thanks to all of those who left lovely reviews. I haven't had the time to thank each of you individually, but just know I appreciate your words! -A

xxx

Rabb Residence  
November 23, 2009

It was a hectic Monday morning in the Rabb household. Mac was making breakfast for everyone, and Harm was triple checking the files in his briefcase.

"Are you sure you don't want me to meet you at the doctor's this afternoon?" He asked her for the umpteenth time that morning. "I can find a way to make it happen. Say the words and I will be there."

"It's okay, Harm, physically being there with me won't change anything."

"I should be there," he reiterated as he gulped what was left of his coffee before placing the mug in the sink.

"You have a very important meeting today. I will be fine." Truthfully, a part of her did want him to go with her, but she knew that his meeting was important. He would say that the she was more important to him than the meeting, but Mac wasn't so sure that the higher-ups would agree with him. "I'll have to wait a little for the results of the blood test anyways."

He studied her intently as he snapped shut his briefcase, and she could tell he wasn't convinced.

"Here, have a pancake," Mac said as she flipped one onto a plate and handed it to him.

"Don't change the subject, Mac," he warned.

"I'm not," she replied. "I will say it once again – it is a normal, standard appointment. I am capable of going alone."

"Mac..."

"You know," she began as she poured more batter onto the hot skillet, "I seem to recall a time when a certain someone had _eye surgery_ and didn't even tell me. That man who shall remain nameless went _alone_ to that. _I_ told you about this appointment and a blood draw is not as major as _surgery_."

He could have countered that there was also a time when she had laparoscopic surgery on the night of the admiral's dining out party and took a cab instead of telling him, but he knew that subject was touchier than the one of his eye surgery; instead he settled for, "This is different."

"I will call you as soon as I know something, okay?"

At that moment, Mattie entered the kitchen and stopped abruptly when she noticed the looks on Harm and Mac's faces. She spent a lot of time with them over the years and could definitely pinpoint the times the when they were arguing, teasing each other, or trying to hide the fact that they just made out like a couple of teenagers, but it didn't seem like any of that today and Mattie didn't know what to make of it.

"Uh, everything okay?" She asked cautiously.

"Good morning, kid," Harm greeted.

"Everything is fine," Mac answered with a smile. "Pancakes?" She asked as she gestured to the skillet.

"Pancakes sound great. Are you sure everything is okay?" Mattie asked again, not entirely convinced.

"Everything is fine, Matts. Mac and I were just discussing a few things."

"You guys are upset that I changed my major, aren't you? That I wasted all that time and money on credits that don't even count anymore?"

The "big news" that Mattie had to discuss with them was that she decided to change her major from Accounting and Finance to Physical Therapy. She knew that her heart wasn't in business anymore and that she wanted a fulfilling career where she could actually help people. She kept apologizing to Harm and Mac since they were helping her pay for college and felt horribly that she "wasted their money" taking credits that didn't even count towards her degree anymore.

They told her that they were happy that she changed her mind before she finished a degree she didn't even like, and explained that they didn't care about the money. After all, it was only money, and in the grand scheme of things a few credits didn't make that much of a difference.

Mattie had then continued on to say that she would continue to apply for every scholarship she could find, and she didn't want them to think she was just using them as her personal bank.

"No, of course not, sweetheart," Mac replied without missing a beat as she placed a pancake on the plate and handed it to Mattie.

"We want you to do what makes you happy. Mac and I were lucky enough to have careers that we love, and want the same for you," Harm replied.

"I'll pay the money back when I can. I promise."

"Please don't worry about that, Mattie. The only thing we want you to promise is that you do your best no matter what you major in. Okay?"

"You are a daughter to us," Mac added. "We will not change our minds about helping you pay for school. We will _always_ be here for you."

Mattie pulled out one of the barstools and sat down at the breakfast bar. "Thanks for that. I really don't know how I would have gotten through everything if it weren't for you guys." She scoffed, "I'd probably be in so much debt from my medical bills that I couldn't even afford to _go_ to college considering my dad basically drank away my college fund and most of the savings."

"Speaking of your dad, have you seen him lately?" Harm asked.

"Not really, I think he's completely off the wagon again. I try to call him every so often, but I can never get through."

"Did he ever ask about what your semester was like? Or any of your recent doctor's appointments?"

"Nope, not once."

"I'm sorry, Mattie," Harm answered sadly. "That must be hard."

Mattie shrugged, trying to brush it off. "I'm used to it by now. It's not a big deal anymore."

Both Harm and Mac knew that no matter what she said, it _did_ bother her that her father didn't seem to care about her life. "You don't have to put on an act for us, Mattie. It's okay to be upset or disappointed, or whatever it is you may feel," Mac said.

Mattie nodded and turned to look at Harm. "You know, I'm really glad I hired you that day," she said as she tried to disguise a sniffle as a laugh. "It turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I got a real family out of it. I love both of you so much. And Caroline, obviously. I finally feel like I have a place where I belong."

Mac shut off the burner of the stove and walked around the other side of the breakfast bar so she was standing in between the stools Harm and Mattie were sitting at. "You always have a place with us."

"Always," Harm confirmed. "No matter what, Mattie. You understand that, right? No matter how far away you move, no matter how old you are, no matter what, all roads lead you home, and your home will always be with us."

"Come here," Mac said as her maternal instincts took over and she embraced Mattie.

It wasn't the first time that Mac took a step back from the Paraguay situation and realized that maybe everything did happen for a reason. Harm and Mattie found each other when they both needed to. Mattie, the once broken teenager, taught Harm how to love unconditionally, while Harm had taught Mattie that it is okay to need help, and they both taught each how to slowly break down the walls around their hearts and how to let people in. They needed to find each other at that point and time in life.

Harm stood up and hugged the both of them, "We love you, kid."

Mac was enjoying the family moment, but her internal clock kept nagging her. "If you don't leave now, you'll be late," she said softly to Harm as the three of them separated from their hug.

He picked up his cover and his briefcase. "You better call me this afternoon, Marine," he pointed to Mac with his pointer finger and a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, sir," she saluted jokingly.

"Have a good day, you two," he called out as he slipped out the back door.

"Are you sure everything is okay, Mac."

"Yes, I'm sure. I just have a lot of errands to do today. I really appreciate you watching Caroline for me."

"I'm looking forward to it," Mattie poured some syrup over her pancakes. "Spending time with Caroline is one of my favorite parts of coming home." She paused. "It's nice to feel like I have a home again."

"I know the feeling."

"It's the first place that felt like home to me since I was a little kid...since before my mom died."

"I'll let you in on a secret," Mac said as she sat down next to Mattie and began to eat her own breakfast. "I never knew what home felt like until I met Harm. It just took a while for me to realize it. It probably sounds cliché, but it's true. Home doesn't have to be a place...home is the people you love. Even when we were just partners, DC felt like home because of Harm and all our friends."

"You're pretty smart, you know that?"

"You think?"

"Mmhmm."

"Well, do me a favor and remind Caroline of that when she's a teenager, huh?"

"You got it."


	5. Chapter 4

National Mall  
November 23, 2009

"Well, this is unusual," Harm said to Mac as he spotted her walking towards him. "I made it here before you."

It was late November, but it happened to be an unusually mild afternoon, so they figured they would meet each other at the National Mall to eat lunch after Mac's appointment that morning.

"Traffic on the beltway was unbelievable...even worse than usual – probably because of Thanksgiving." She sat at the chair across from him. "And besides, your office is a lot closer to here than where I was coming from."

Harm opened the bag of takeout and began to divide up the food.

"I'm glad you were able to meet for lunch," Mac continued. "Hopefully, the doctor calls with the results before you have to go back to work."

"I hope so, too."

"So, what did you bring me for lunch?" She asked when she noticed the logo on the bag. It was the same place they used to get Chinese from when they were at JAG.

"General Tso's for you, and Budha's Delight for me."

She rolled her eyes. "I seem to recall that Budha's Delight was anything but delightful. You said so yourself."

Harm shrugged. "It has improved over the years."

"Or your taste buds got worse."

He smiled, loving that all these years later they still had their usual banter. "I don't think that is the case," he replied as he took a bite of his food.

"Yeah, and you've never been wrong about anything," she said sarcastically.

"Hey, if you keep this up, I won't give you your fortune cookie."

"And if _you_ keep this up, I won't share my rice with you when you decide your food isn't good."

Harm whistled. "Now, _that's_ harsh, Mac."

She grinned. "That's why you love me, isn't it?" She asked as she raised an eyebrow and slowly took a bite of food.

"Maybe it's one of the reasons, I suppose." He used his fork to push around the mushy vegetables in the take-out carton around before taking another bite. "Mmm. Delicious."

Mac pursed her lips together. "You can't possibly mean that."

"I don't, but it was the only vegetarian option on the menu."

"Now, that I believe." She opened her container of white rice and offered it to him.

"Thanks," he said as he took a spoonful. "Did you get a chance to check in on Mattie and Caroline?"

She nodded. "I just got off the phone with Mattie as I was parking the car. They had grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch, and Caroline was just about to go down for a nap."

"Caroline has so much fun with Mattie."

"She really does, and I think it's good for Mattie, too."

"For sure," Harm agreed.

Before he had a chance to say anything else, the shrill ring of Mac's cellphone filled the space between them. Harm stared at Mac has they set their silverware down and Mac glanced at the caller-id.

"It's the doctor." She said nervously.

"Go ahead and answer," he encouraged.

Mac swore her hands were trembling as she hit the button to accept the call. "Sarah Rabb," she answered out of habit.

Harm watched intently and studied every detail of her expression, but he honestly couldn't gauge any of it.

"Yes, yes. I understand. Yes. Thank you for calling." She said before ending the call. Mac took a deep breath as she set her phone back down on the table and her eyes met Harm's.

"Well?" he asked when he felt like too much time had passed without her saying anything.

Slowly, her lips curved upwards and formed a smile that reached her eyes. "I'm pregnant," she said softly.

Harm's smile mirrored hers and his brain suddenly forgot how to formulate thoughts. "This is what we were expecting," he felt the need to state the obvious.

"I know, but it's still a bit of a shock."

"We're gonna be fine."

"It just it feels so…surreal."

"What else did the doctor say?" he asked.

"That because of my age and endometriosis, this is considered a high-risk pregnancy, as a precaution, but the fact that I had a successful pregnancy with no compilations is promising. And with the information and dates I provided to the doctor this morning, July 16th is the estimated due date."

He nodded.

"They scheduled me for a follow up in three weeks, just to make sure everything is okay. She said she wants to do an early ultrasound to check the heartbeat, and by then I'll be eight weeks or so..."

"I think we'll both be a lot more at ease after hearing a heartbeat."

"Me, too," Mac agreed. "But, um, we should just keep this between us for a while. I don't even know if we should day anything to Mattie until after the first trimester."

He nodded again. "Harriet will figure it out the next time she sees you. She has some type of sixth sense for that."

Mac chuckled. "Yeah, she does, maybe I'll have to avoid her for a while."

Harm rolled his eyes jokingly. "Yeah, because that won't make her suspicious."

"Good point, Squid. Nothing gets past Harriet when it comes to relationships, babies, and well, anything really."

Harm laughed. "Their kids will never be able to pull one over on her."

Mac shook her head. "She'll run a tight ship."

"The Navy _does_ know how to do that, Mac. It's what we do best."

"And here I thought what the Navy did best was waiting for the Marines to come and save the day."

"Keep on dreaming, Mac."

A calm silence filled the space between them for several moments. "I can't believe we've made it to this point. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was pulling you into that helicopter."

"…after you pulled a gun on me…"

"That was all for show and you know it."

"I didn't know it then, Mac. I didn't quite know what to make of you."

She shrugged. "I didn't know if I could trust you."

"I'm glad you came around," he said with his signature flyboy grin.

"Me, too. Who else would I share my rice with?" She asked with a smile of her own.

Images of Dalton, Brumby and Webb flashed through Harm's mind and he shook his head. "I'd rather not think about that." He said with a wrinkle of his nose.

"Yeah, me either," Mac agreed, biting on her lower lip. "You're the only one for me."

"Right back at ya, MacKenzie."


	6. Chapter 5

The weeks continued on, going both slowly and incredibly fast all at the same time. By now, Mac was nearing the end of her second trimester and very close to the start of her third trimester.

Harm was right, like he often was- although she would never admit such things to him- and after the first time they heard their baby's heartbeat, some of their worries lessened.

Between hearing the heartbeat and seeing the baby on the ultrasound, everything finally began to feel more real.

Like last time, pregnancy was still exciting and terrifying all at once. Mac had anxiety, like many expectant parents. However, it began to fade as the days went by. Although, she knew that she would not feel completely at ease until she could hold their baby in her arms.

For much of the last few months, they had kept the topic of Mac's pregnancy a closely guarded secret. Once they passed the first trimester, without any complications other than the usual aches and morning sickness, which unfortunately for Mac, seemed to last all day, they decided to share the information with the people closest to them.

It wasn't a surprise to either one of them that they didn't need to tell Harriet. She had guessed long before they were even going to tell people...just like Harm had anticipated.

* * *

Roberts Residence  
December 20, 2009

 _It was the weekend of the annual JAG Christmas Party at the Roberts' house. Harm and Mac had just walked in the door when Harriet came down the steps to greet them. Bud had barely had a chance to take the casserole dish Mac was carrying before Harriet's eyes doubled in size. Harm, holding a sleeping Caroline in his arms, glanced from Harriet, then to Mac, and back to Harriet again. He could tell by her expression that somehow, she knew._

" _Uhh, I'll let you two ladies be," he said awkwardly as he shifted Caroline in his arms._

" _Harm!" Mac exclaimed wide-eyed. "Wait!" How could he possibly leave her to deal with Harriet's inquisition on her own?_

" _No, no," Harriet said with a mischievous smile. "Go on. You can bring Caroline upstairs and put her in Nikki's room. Mac and I have some chatting to do. Come on," she said as she linked an arm with Mac. "Walk with me. I need your opinion on paint colors for the basement," she said in case anyone nearby was paying attention._

 _Once in the basement, Harriet sat down on at down at the kids' PlaySkool table and chair set and patted the seat next to her. "Have a seat, Mac."_

" _I thought you wanted opinions about paint," she said as she crossed the room and sat down on the small plastic chair._

" _I'm not painting anything. Perhaps you need my opinion on paint colors...for, say, oh, I don't know. A nursery, maybe?" she said in a sing song voice._

 _Mac bit the inside of her cheek. "Harriet..."_

 _Harriet realized she was being pushy and decided to ease up. "I'm sorry. If you don't want to talk about it, I won't push you."_

" _How do you do it, Harriet? How do you know when someone is pregnant?"_

 _So, Mac wasn't denying she was pregnant...that was a start._

 _Harriet shrugged. "I'm not sure. I've always had a sixth sense for things like that...it probably started when I was sixteen and I knew my aunt was pregnant long before she told anyone."_

" _Well," Mac began slowly. "I am pregnant," she grinned. "But it's still very early and you know about my endometriosis and all that, so...that's why we aren't telling people yet."_

" _My lips are sealed," Harriet assured her. "I promise. I won't even tell Bud."_

 _Mac sighed contently. "You know, it is nice that someone else knows about this besides just Harm. It helps make it feel more real."_

 _Harriet nodded. "I'm always here if you want to talk." She had so many questions, but she didn't want to push Mac into answering them. They had been friends for years, and she was finally able to drop the "sir and ma'am" when talking to Harm and Mac, but they still weren't by any means close enough to share all the details of their lives like best friends would._

" _I'm so excited," Mac offered. "And so is Harm. It's amazing, actually. We decided that we aren't actively going to try for another baby, but we also weren't going to prevent a pregnancy either. We knew that since we were older now that it would be even less than the four-percent chance I had when we got pregnant with Caroline, but somehow it all worked out again. We got lucky twice."_

" _Miracles happen. How far along are you?"_

" _Roughly ten weeks. I didn't think I was showing, I'm surprised you picked up on it."_

" _You're not showing," Harriet said quickly. "You just looked so happy, Mac, your eyes...they were sparkling – your smile was glowing. You look more radiant than usual."_

" _Do you think other people will notice?" Mac asked, suddenly self-conscious. "We aren't ready to say anything yet."_

 _Harriet shook her head. "No. The pregnancy glow is real, I just happen to notice it a lot sooner than the average person. You still have plenty of time before other people will catch on. I'm sure of it."_

* * *

And Harriet _was_ right. No one else spoke a word of her so-called "pregnancy glow" during the Christmas party at all, much to Mac's relief. In fact, no one mentioned a glow at all until Trish and Frank come to visit in February over President's Day weekend.

* * *

Rabb Residence  
February 12, 2010

" _Hey, Mac, we're here," Harm called as he stepped into the house from the front door and ushered his mother and step-father inside. He barely had a chance to set the luggage off to the side before he could hear the pitter-patter of Caroline's feet coming from the kitchen._

" _Nana! Papa!" Caroline exclaimed happily as she ran down the foyer as fast as her little legs could carry her and into her grandmother's waiting arms._

 _Trish scooped her up in an instant and showered her with kisses. "We missed you soooooo much. Didn't we, Papa?"_

 _Frank nodded, smiling as he reached over to tickle Caroline. "We missed you this much," he said as he opened his arms wide._

" _Oh, wow, that's a whole bunch," Caroline said in amazement as she squirmed in her grandmother's arms and reached towards her grandfather._

" _Oh, come here, you little monkey," Frank said with a chuckle as he took Caroline from his wife._

 _By now, Mac had finally caught up with Caroline and joined everyone in the foyer. "Caroline," she said as she stepped closer. "Please don't run inside, okay?"_

" _Sorry, Momma. I missed Nana and Papa."_

 _Mac smiled. "I know, but that still doesn't mean we are allowed to run inside. Okay?" Caroline nodded at her mother. Mac took a few more steps and kissed Trish and Frank on the cheek after exchanging hugs. "Caroline is very excited that you both are here," Mac said._

" _We're so glad to be here, honey," Frank said._

" _You look beautiful, darling. You're practically glowing!" Trish exclaimed. "And you, too, Harm. You both look so happy. You guys are so good together." Harm was in a good mood when he picked them up from the airport, but he seemed to be in an even better mood now that they were back at the house._

 _Harm and Mac did that "thing" where they look at each other and have an entire conversation with their eyes. They were going to tell Trish and Frank about the new baby after dinner, but since Trish opened the door with her "glowing" comment, why wait after all?_

" _Caroline," Harm said, "why don't you go get your new Dora doll? I'm sure Nana and Papa would love to see it."_

 _Caroline began to dangle her legs and Frank set her on the ground. "Good idea, Daddy." She said as she trotted across the hall to the living room to retrieve her Dora doll from the toybox._

" _Well," Harm began as he draped an arm over Mac's shoulders. "My wife is glowing, isn't she?" he finished with a smile. "You said so yourself, Mom."_

" _Yes," Trish said slowly, unsure of what her son was getting at._

" _She's as beautiful as ever," Frank offered, not following the conversation._

" _And what do they say about women who are glowing?"_

" _I'm not sure what you mean," Trish began, before trailing off. Suddenly, everything clicked for her. "They say pregnant women glow!"_

" _Pregnant women?" Frank questioned, still confused._

 _Trish looked at her son and daughter-in-law, they both had matching grins on their faces. She swatted her husband on the shoulder. "They're saying Mac is pregnant, Frank! Aren't you?" she asked for confirmation._

 _Harm nodded._

" _Due near the middle of July," Mac offered. "The 16_ _th_ _."_

" _Oh, sweetheart. Congratulations. That's so wonderful."_

 _Hugs and kisses were exchanged before Frank spoke again. "What does Caroline think?"_

" _We didn't exactly tell her yet," Mac began. "We're going to wait a little bit longer."_

" _Yeah, Caroline didn't exactly inherit Mac's sense of timing yet. She won't understand the concept of how long she has to wait for the baby to arrive, so we're going to explain it next month. Then, she will have enough time to process it, but she won't have an incredibly long wait." Harm explained._

 _Trish nodded._

" _Harriet said it worked very well when they told AJ and Jimmy about the twins, so we're hoping it works for us, too," Mac said, explaining their rationale. "And Mattie, well, we're going to call her tonight and tell her after dinner... we were waiting until we told you guys."_

" _Oh, darling. You're the parents, you don't need to justify anything to us. You know what is right for your family."_

 _Mac smiled as Trish pulled her in for another hug. She was so incredibly blessed to have a mother-in-law as accepting and wonderful as Trish. She could only hope that someday that is the type of mother-in-law she would be, too._

* * *

Rabb Residence  
March 29, 2010

" _Hey, Mac!" Harm called as he stepped into the house with a package in his hands. "There was a package on the front porch for you. It says it's from Mattie."_

" _Be right there!" she called out from the kitchen._

" _Hi, Itsy-Bitsy," Harm greeted Caroline as he stepped over the toys she had spread out all over the living room floor._

" _Daddy!" She stood up and ran over to hug his legs._

" _Did you have a good day?" he asked as he kneeled down to her level._

 _Caroline nodded. "Mommy and I wents shopping. I gots new dresses! And a real pretty dress for Easter!"_

" _Oh, wow! That sounds like fun."_

 _By now, Mac had joined them in the living room and began to open the package from Mattie. She laughed when she saw what was inside._

" _What is it, Mac?" Harm asked curiously as he stood up._

" _I mentioned to Mattie that I was having a craving for animal crackers when we spoke on the phone the other day, but I said they were out of them at the grocery store. She must have seen them at her grocery store. She sent me three giant bags of animal crackers!"_

 _Harm smiled, amazed by Mattie's thoughtfulness. "She's a good kid."_

" _She's a great kid," Mac replied as she tore open one of the bags. "Mmm." She sat down on the couch and patted the space beside her. "Hey, Caroline, come here a second. Daddy and I have something we want to tell you."_

 _Caroline trotted over to the couch and sat down with Harm trailing close behind. "Ooh!" her eyes grew wide. "Are we getting a puppy? Are we? Are we? Are we?"_

" _No, we aren't getting a puppy."_

 _Caroline frowned. "I like puppies."_

" _We're getting something that is even better than a puppy," Harm said._

 _Caroline crossed her arms, much like Mac would do when they used to work together and she was about to call Harm out on something. "What's better than a puppy, Daddy?"_

" _Well," Mac began, a smile spreading across her face. "A baby!"_

" _A baby?"_

 _Mac nodded excitedly. "Yes, a baby," she confirmed._

" _There's going to be a new baby," Harm explained. "That means you are going to be a big sister."_

" _Ellie at preschool is a big sister," Caroline stated simply._

" _That's right," Mac said. "Ellie's brother is almost one year old," Mac held up one finger._

 _Caroline appeared to be deep in thought._

" _What's wrong, Itsy-Bitsy?" Harm asked. "Are you sad?"_

" _I don't know how to be a big sister," she frowned._

" _You're going to be the best big sister ever," Harm assured her._

" _The new baby is going to love you as much as Daddy and I love you," Mac said. "No matter what."_

" _How can I be a sister if I was never one before?" Caroline asked, still confused._

" _Well," Mac began, "it is something new. You're going to learn lots of new things as you get older."_

 _Caroline snuggled closer between both of her parents, still seeming unsure._

" _The baby won't be here for a few more months," Harm explained. "We'll have lots of time to prepare for the baby. Mommy and I will answer any questions you have for us."_

 _Mac nodded. "And, if you want, you can help us get things ready for the baby."_

 _Caroline thought about it for a moment. "I can helps. I is a good helper."_

Xxx

Rabb Residence  
April 8, 2010

Mac slowly began to wake up. She blinked a few times, adjusting to the sunlight and the weight of Caroline sprawled out across her chest.

"Hi, baby. Why aren't you in your own bed? Is everything okay?"

Caroline snuggled closer to her mother. "I hads a bad dream."

"Oh? What happened?"

Caroline shrugged. "I don't member my dream. I just member I was scared and Daddy came to get me when I cried. He said I could stay in your bed with you while he makes breakfast."

Mac kissed her daughter's forehead. "Well, everything is okay. There's nothing to be afraid of now."

"Daddy hugged me and then I felt not so scared."

Mac smiled. "Daddy's hugs always help, don't they?"

Caroline nodded.

"It's also supposed to be really nice out today, so we can go to the park today, too. I bet that will help."

"Oh, yay. I love the park!"

"Me, too."

Mac smiled.

"Good morning, you two," Harm greeted with a smile as he walked into the bedroom. "Are you feeling better, Itsy-Bitsy?"

Caroline nodded. "I didn't have bad dreams when I went back to sleeps."

"Good.

"And guess what?" she asked as she jumped up and down on the bed.

Harm walked over to catch her mid-jump. "What?" he asked,

"Mommy said we could go to the park! Can we have a picnic?"

"I think that's a great idea."

After a long, cold, and snowy winter, spring was finally in the air. Colors seemed brighter, the air was fresher, and waking up to the sounds of birds chirping every morning was soothing.

Little did Mac know, though, that this was only the calm before the storm; and the storm that was brewing was going to be a big one.


	7. Chapter 6

Many thanks to everyone who reads and reviews. You're awesome!

* * *

Rabb Residence  
May 2, 2010

When Harm exited the master bathroom, he was surprised to see that Mac was already in bed. "Caroline must have fell asleep fast tonight," he commented as he ran the towel through his damp hair and then went to toss it in the hamper in the closet.

"She was exhausted," Mac replied as reached for a makeup wipe from her nightstand and began to remove her make up. "As much as it pains me to say it," she said it with a sigh, but her eyes were still sparkling, "I think we may have future naval aviator on our hands."

They spent Sunday afternoon at the National Air and Space Museum, which proved to be one of Caroline's favorite places. Like her father, she could study the different airplanes for hours upon hours and never get tired of it.

His chest puffed out with pride, and he flashed his signature grin. "Well, she _is_ my child, Mac." He climbed into bed beside her.

Mac rolled her eyes jokingly. "Well, she's _my_ child _,_ too, and I am most definitely _not_ a squid."

"You are _not_ a squid. You're the prettiest jarhead I've ever met."

"You're not so bad yourself...for a squid." She said as she tossed one makeup wipe into the trash can and reached for another.

"You know, you really don't need to wear all that makeup," he said as she began to wipe the last stubborn remains of her foundation off of her skin.

She shrugged. "It evens out my skin tone and my eyelashes aren't a full as they used to be, so the mascara helps with that..." She finished as she wiped her mascara and eyeliner away.

"I'm not going to be able to change your mind, am I?"

"I happen to be a stubborn woman."

"I happen to be a persuasive man." He leaned over to kiss her.

She chuckled and tossed the last makeup wipe into the trash. "When I was tucking Caroline in, she asked if she could get a Cessna for her birthday."

Harm grinned. " _I_ want a Cessna, too. They sell all kinds of kits to build models. It will be fun."

"No," Mac clarified. "She was adamant that she wants a _real_ one."

"Of course, she was," Harm laughed.

"She said if Daddy could have a plane named "Sarah," then she could have a plane and name it "Fly" because "that's a good name for an airplane" - those were her exact words."

"Well, it _is_ a good name for a plane."

Mac couldn't stop her laughter.

"We should take her to see "Sarah" sometime." Harm finally said, his voice cutting through the laughter.

"Slow down there, flyboy." Mac finally managed to control her laughter. "If we take her to see "Sarah" she'll want to go for a plane ride, and I still think she's a little too young for that."

"But it has been a really long time since we drove up to the farm. Maybe we should do that soon—if the doctor says it is okay for you to be sitting a car that long. There's a few more things I need to fix up around the house and since we will happen to be there, we can let Caroline at least _just_ take a peek at "Sarah" and maybe get a picture of her in the cockpit? It would be a great picture to have on my desk at the office..."

Harm had inherited Grandma Sarah's farm a few years ago after she passed away. Due to Harm's busy work schedule, they didn't get the chance to make the trip up there often, but each time they went, Harm completed at least one project for their "second home." Someday, their plan was to move there permanently, but that day was a long time away. It definitely wouldn't happen until after Harm retired, which at this rate, would happen when he reached the mandatory retirement age. So, they had plenty of time to get the house just right. In the meantime, he moved "Sarah" and the beloved Corvette back to the farm since it was cheaper than the storage hangar they were renting in Virginia.

"Well," Mac pondered, "It has been a very long time since Caroline went to the farm. She probably doesn't even remember the last time she went."

"She was what the last time we went? Two?"

Mac nodded. Harm gave a hopeful look, and Mac sighed. "It _would_ be a really cute picture to have..."

"So, that's a yes?"

"It's a yes."

"You're amazing, you know that?"

"You may have mentioned it once or twice."

He leaned over to kiss her again.

"You're itching to fly "Sarah" again, aren't you?"

He nodded sheepishly, knowing full well she caught on. "Yeah," he answered truthfully.

Not too long after they got married, Harm told Mac he wasn't going to perform his quals for his flight status and that he was going to switch his status to inactive. Mac was genuinely surprised. He said he knew that his flying like that caused her nightmares, and he didn't want to start married life off like that. Mac said she appreciated that, but she wanted him to switch to inactive flight status only if it was what he wanted to do. He assured her that it was, and that he knew he couldn't fly forever. He told her that as long as could fly "Sarah" he would be happy,

And he was happy. He didn't regret giving up his flight status- he wasn't even flying that much in the years before he gave it up- but he did miss it at times. This was the longest he had gone without flying in a very long time.

"I know you miss it, Harm. I can understand that. I know that moving "Sarah" to the farm made more sense financially, but that that five-hour drive to get to the farm makes it a lot harder for you to have the chance to fly when you want to."

He shrugged. "Moving "Sarah" back to the farm was the right thing to do, and flying over there is amazing. It reminds me of my dad...it's nice. The first time Dad took me flying was in Beallsville. It's one of my happiest memories of Dad."

Mac nodded, teary-eyed. She knew that he would want to make memories like that with Caroline and the new baby.

"And, besides," he continued. "We've been spending at least one Sunday a month at the Air and Space Museum. I can get my fix there... even if I can't fly those planes."

"I'm not sure if I can tell who enjoys it more – your or Caroline."

"I think it's a tie. Seriously, though, Mac, I know that it isn't really your thing, but I'm glad you come every time."

"To see you and Caroline that happy makes it worth it for me, every single time." She yawned.

He flashed another smile – the one that she swore he only used on her. "Go to sleep, Mac."

She frowned. "But I like talking to you before bed like this...I don't want it to end."

He reached over her to shut off the lamp on her nightstand and the kissed her again. "We have an eternity to talk, Mac." Then he placed a kiss on her growing belly- she was just about twenty-nine weeks along now and the baby bump was becoming more pronounced each day. "Good night, Baby Bean."

Mac sighed contently as she settled back against the pillow. "Good night, Harm."

Sleep came easy to the couple that night, but their restful slumber was short lived. It would be just past 1:30 AM when Mac would realize that something was wrong.

 _Very_ wrong.


	8. Chapter 7

Hi, all you lovely readers. Many thanks to everyone who takes the time to read and review. I haven't had time to reply to you all personally, but rest assured that I appreciate you taking the time to go on the journey with me and my version of the Rabb Family.

Remember my A/N from the Prologue though? I tried to warn you all along that this wasn't going to be an entirely happy story for Harm and Mac, so please don't hate me now that the time has come.

* * *

May 3, 2010

It was just past 1:30AM when Mac jolted awake with a gasp, the panic already settling in. She had felt a warm gush between her legs, and that was what caused her to wake up.

 _It's too early for this_ , she thought.

With one hand she reached down between her legs and feared it was blood she felt, then with her other hand, she turned on the lamp on the nightstand and her fears were confirmed.

Blood.

More blood than she had anticipated.

"Harm!" She cried out. "Wake up, something is wrong. Harm!"

"What's wrong? What is it?" He practically jumped out of bed when his wife's panicked voice registered in his brain. His face paled when he saw the blood.

"I don't know what is wrong," she cried. "I-I-I don't know."

He threw on the first pair of jeans and shirt he could find and was dressed in lighting speed. "I'll get the car."

"Wh-what about Caroline?"

"I'll take care of everything...just stay put. Do we need to call an ambulance?" he asked, trying his best to remain calm.

"It will be quicker if we drive. It's only a few miles away."

"Okay. I'll be right back."

He disappeared down to his office and found their next-door neighbors' phone number. Bud and Harriet only lived a few streets away, but that would take too much time to drop Caroline off there on the way to the hospital. It also happened that Christopher, their neighbor, was a field sergeant for the county sheriff's office and worked 3PM to 3AM. His wife of twenty-five years, Joann, always stayed up until he came home. Harm knew that he wouldn't be waking her up if called there.

"Hello?" Joann's soft voice came through the phone.

She sounded afraid, and Harm realized that the phone ringing at this hour was definitely not something a cop's wife would want to hear. "Joann, it's Harmon Rabb," he said quickly, trying to alleviate her fears.

She let out a sigh of relief before realizing that something had to be wrong for him to call at that hour. "What happened?" she asked, almost afraid.

"It's, uh, Mac. She's bleeding...a lot. This never happened when she was pregnant before," he rambled. "We need to go to the hospital. Can-can I bring Caroline over? She's still asleep, but we can't bring her to the hospital. I don't know how long we'll be. I'll get her as soon as I can or maybe Bud and Harriet can..I..."

"Harm!" she interrupted. "It's okay. Focus on your wife right now. Caroline is going to be fine with us here...For as long as you need her to be here. I'll be right over to get her."

"Thank you, Joann. Thank you. I'll unlock the front door. Just come on in."

"Okay."

It couldn't have been more than three minutes later and Joann, who was probably five or six years older than Harm, was walking through the Rabb's front door. Her chestnut hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail and she was clad in matching polka dot pajamas, slippers, and a robe.

"Thank you again, Jo." Harm said as he rounded the corner and came down the stairs with a sleeping Caroline in his arms and a backpack slung over his shoulder. "This should have anything she needs, but if you need anything else, just come over and get it. I'll leave the door unlocked."

Joann nodded and took Caroline. "Call me if you need anything else."

"Daddy?" Caroline mumbled, starting to wake up.

"It's okay, Itsy-Bitsy," Harm soothed her. "Mommy and Daddy have to go somewhere, so you're going to have a sleepover with Chris and Jo, okay?"

"Okay," Caroline said sleepily. "JoJo, will Chris let me see his peace car again? That was fun."

"I'm sure Chris will show you the police car after breakfast. How's that sound?"

"Good." Caroline closed her eyes.

Harm walked Joann and Caroline to the front door. "I'll call as soon as I know something."

Joann nodded. "I hope everything is okay."

"You and me both," he sighed heavily, unable to shake the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

He rushed up the stairs taking the steps two at a time. "Mac?" he called as he rushed into the bedroom. When he entered the room, he saw that Mac had thrown together a quick overnight bag and a robe to cover the blood. "Are you still bleeding?"

"Yes, but I think it slowed down."

"Contractions?"

"It doesn't feel like that kind of pain. I'm not sure how to describe it."

"Okay, come on," he held out his hand and walked her out of the bedroom and towards the stairs. "Caroline is okay. She's with Joann."

Mac nodded. "Ooh," she gasped.

"Contraction? More pain? Mac? Talk to me, Mac!"

"I think I'm having a panic attack. I am going to hyperventilate. I can barely breathe."

It was a long time since Harm dealt with a panic attack – so long that the last one he probably talked someone through was the one Meg Austin had on the submarine all those years ago.

"Deep breath in, Mac. Breathe. Everything will be okay," he said, resisting the urge to add "I promise."

This situation was beyond his control - he could feel it in his gut. It was a completely overpowering feeling that he never felt before and he didn't even know how to describe. He found himself wondering if this was how Mac felt when she experienced her premonitions.

* * *

They made it to the hospital in record time, and everything happened in such a blur. The attending was very concerned about the amount of blood loss and saw that Mac was quickly whisked away and placed in a room. The doctor paged the on-call doctor from obstetrics and ordered an ultrasound. A part of Harm was glad that this was happening in the middle of the night and that for once a hospital was relatively empty. He wasn't a stranger to hospitals and knew how uncommon that was...especially in a non-military hospital.

By the time the obstetrician came to the room, the attending was studying the ultrasound machine intently. His facial expression set in stone and giving nothing away.

"Ahem," a redheaded woman in purple scrubs and a white lab coat said as she stepped into the room. "I'm Dr. Elise Brenner from Obstetrics and Gynecology. Dr. Murphy here," she motioned to the attending physician called me in. And, by the looks of that ultrasound, I'm glad he did," she said solemnly as she stood behind Dr. Murphy and studied the image on the screen herself.

"What's wrong?" Harm asked.

"Your wife and baby are suffering from what we call a placental abruption. It can be very dangerous for both mother and baby," she answered in a very matter-of-fact manner.

"Are you in any pain, Mrs. Rabb?" Dr. Murphy asked.

"It's uncomfortable, but nothing like when I was in labor before."

"Have you had high blood pressure during this pregnancy?"

"No."

"Smoking? Any use if illicit drugs?"

"No, absolutely not."

"Have you suffered a trauma?" Dr. Murphy continued. "A fall? A car accident?"

"No, nothing." Mac said, she and Harm were squeezing each other's hand tighter by the second.

"The causes of placental abruptions are not entirely known," Dr. Brenner spoke. "Usually, they are only partial abruptions, but in rare cases, the placenta breaks away from the uterine wall completely causing a complete abruption. In a very small percentage of cases, this can sometimes occur without a reason or a cause, which could possibly be what is happening to you right now."

"What is the plan of action?" Harm asked, training taking over. They needed a battle plan.

"We need to operate... _now_ ," Elise emphasized. "The abruption is 95% and the baby's heartrate is low."

"Now?" Harm questioned, in shock.

"I'm only twenty-nine weeks."

"I know," Elise assured her, "but this is what needs to be done. Our top priority is to save you and the baby and control the bleeding. That can only be done with an emergency c-section. You need to get prepped for the OR _yesterday_ ," Dr. Brenner said, the urgency in her voice causing the weight of the situation to hit Harm and Mac in a way that it didn't before. "There isn't time for an epidural, you'll need to go under general anesthesia. I will show your husband where to wait while they prep you for surgery."

"Harm?" Mac questioned, her voice sounding the smallest he's ever heard it before.

"I love you, Mac. I'll be right there when you wake up, I promise." His own voice was filled with tears.

"I've never been this afraid before," she admitted. "Not when we were being chased by poachers or terrorists, not even in war zones."

"Can I let you in on something, Mac?" He cupped her face in his hands. "I've never been this afraid before either."

"Quite the pair we are," she chuckled dryly, tears flowing freely by now.

"I love you," he repeated again before kissing her. He could taste the tears but had no idea if they were his or hers at that point. He lingered close to her lips for a moment, cataloguing every detail about her again.

"Mr. Rabb? If you'll follow me," Dr. Brenner's voice broke through the weight of the room.

"Everything is going to be okay, Mac," Harm said as he followed Dr. Brenner to the door. "I love you, Ninja Girl."

"I love you more," Mac said softly.

* * *

"The waiting room is right this way," Elise said to fill the uncomfortable silence between her and her patient's husband as they walked down the hall. "It's on the fourth floor, though, so we have to take the elevator."

Harm nodded and Elise punched the "UP" arrow to call the elevator.

"I couldn't help but to notice that you call your wife "Mac," she said. "Is there a story behind that?" She asked, knowing that her patient's name was Sarah Rabb.

"Um, yeah," Harm answered, distractedly. "Her maiden name was "MacKenzie..." we used to work together. She's a Marine...she said she preferred to be called "Mac" because she thought people would see her as "one of the guys" that way. We worked together for almost ten years before we got together, so calling her "Mac" instead of "Sarah" is just normal to me."

"She was a Marine?" The doctor stated more a question than anything else – now the conversation she overheard about warzones made much more sense to her. "Are you a Marine, too?"

"If she were talking to you right now, she would say "once a Marine, always a Marine." He smiled nostalgically, "but as for me, no. I'm Navy."

"My dad was in the Navy. He was stationed at Naval Station Mayport. He retired when I was six, though. I don't remember much," she offered. "So, how long have you and your wife been married?"

"Next week will be five years – five amazing and adventurous years."

Elise noticed how his eyes sparkled when he talked about her. "It's obvious you love her very much."

"More than anyone can understand – it's like we are bound together in ways the universe can't explain.  
He paused briefly. "Will Mac and the baby be okay? Don't sugar coat it, Doc. I need to know."

"This is a very dangerous situation," the doctor said, her matter-of-fact tone from earlier returning. "We'll do everything we can, but I can't make any promises."

The elevator chimed, signaling they arrived at their floor and Harm followed as Elise stepped off the elevator and showed him to the waiting area.

"If you stay here, the surgical nurse will know where to find you when we have updates."

"Thank you, Dr. Brenner."

"Is there anyone you'd like to have wait with you? I can have the head nurse call them for you."

"Umm, no thank you. I can make the call myself. I can use my cellphone in here?" he asked as he looked around- he was the only on in the waiting room at this hour.

"Yes, you may," Elise replied. "I have to go get scrubbed in now."

* * *

The phone ringing broke through the quietness of the Roberts household.

"Bud," Harriet mumbled. "Phone."

"Eh," was the mumbled reply.

"Bud," she said again.

"Tired," he mumbled this time.

Harriet reach over her husband and blindly reached for the telephone that was on his nightstand. "Hello?" she said groggily.

" _Harriet."_

"Harm? Everything okay?" she asked before thinking _obviously something is wrong, why else would he be calling at this hour_? "What happened?" she sat up completely and turned the lamp on.

The light caused Bud to become more awake and he too sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. "What's going on?"

Harriet ignored him and listened as Harm continued.

" _It's, uh, Mac, and the baby. She was bleeding a lot, they think it was a placental abruption-"_

"What hospital are you at?"

"Harm's at the hospital?" Bud asked, becoming more alert by the second.

"University Hospital."

"I'm on my way. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

* * *

Harm distractedly moved the coffee stirrer in his Styrofoam coffee cup as he waited for Harriet to arrive or for an update from the surgical nurse. He was becoming more anxious by the minute and was thinking of ways to distract himself in the meantime.

He sighed heavily has scrolled through the camera roll on his phone and studied the pictures they took not even a full day ago at the Air and Space Museum.

Everything was so different then.

They were so happy – enjoying the moment, enjoying family, enjoying life.

And now everything was up in the air – Mac and the baby were in an operating room fighting for their lives and he was sitting in the waiting room, unable to do anything and feeling completely useless as a husband, father and partner -because whether or not they still worked together, he and Mac would always be partners.

He shifted uncomfortably in the chair and let his mind wander back to the day Caroline was born...he remembered he had a picnic planned for Mac that afternoon, but Mother Nature – and Caroline – had different plans for the day.

* * *

 _"This turned out to be a lovely afternoon, Harm."_

 _"I'm sorry that we had to have a change of venue," he said as he gestured around to the living room._

 _At roughly 37 weeks pregnant, Mac was feeling a little antsy about the arrival of the baby, who Harm affectionately referred to as "Itsy Bitsy," so Harm thought a nice picnic in the park would help relax her some. However, Mother Nature threw a wrench in those plans and it stormed all day._

 _Having to adapt, he set up a picnic for them in their living room, and even completed the adventure with roasting marshmallows for s'mores over their kitchen stove._

 _"Any day I get to spend with you is a wonderful day," she reminded him. "I know we've been married over a year, but it still feels surreal and I just love being able to be like this with you," Mac continued as she waved to the space around them. "To do everything together….to do nothing together…to just_ _ **be**_ _together."_

 _"I know," he agreed. "It took us a long time to get here. Isn't funny that in some ways we have been like this for what feels like forever and in other ways it feels like we've only had a few days like this?"_

 _"Mmhm, but what we have now will last an eternity."_

 _"And more," Harm added._

 _"There's no one else I would rather spend an eternity with."_

 _"Me either."_

 _"So, then would now be a good time to tell you that I've had contractions start a few hours ago?"_

 _"What?! And you didn't say anything?"_

 _"At first, I thought they were Braxton Hicks again, but they just feel different. It's the real thing. Before you ask: yes, I called the doctor. They said we should stay here until my water breaks or until the contractions are more regular."_

 _"How are you feeling?"_

 _"Nervous – excited – anxious," the words spewed out one right after the other._

 _"And the pain?"_

 _"It's not bad yet."_

 _"What can I do for you?"_

 _"Rub my shoulders and tell me about a case we worked on together to distract me."_

 _It proved that the labor would last for a while. They reminisced about a bunch of old cases and the deal, they talked about all their hopes and dreams for the son or daughter, and even managed to take a brief nap before Mac's contractions were close enough to be admitted to the hospital. As luck would have it, her water broke in the car, and they thought for sure the baby would be born soon. However, she was only 6 centimeters dilated and things seemed to slow down for a few hours._

Years of training kept them calm for the events that followed. They were able to remain calm, cool, collected and incredibly connected to one another. Mac didn't yell at him or blame him for the pain – like the could hear other women doing across the hall. Instead, they reminded each other that it didn't matter whose looks or brains the baby had because they had always done their best work together. Harm continued to feed Mac ice chips, press cool cloths against her forehead and neck, and whispered endless words of encouragement and how much her loved her.

 _After two hours of pushing, things were finally beginning to move along._

 _"It won't be much longer now," Nurse Beatrice said as the doctor took his place again. "You're doing great, Mrs. Rabb."_

 _"So…tired….can't…push."_

 _"Yes, you can, Marine. You're doing great."_

 _"Pain…so much," Mac opted for a natural childbirth._

 _"Okay, on this next one push nice and strong," came the doctor's voice._

 _Nurse Beatrice counted down from ten._

 _"Great work, Sarah," the doctor said. "Baby's head should be completely out on the next one."_

 _"I can't do this, Harm. I can't."_

 _"Listen to me, Mac. Listen. Yes, you can," he said firmly. "Remember all the pain you felt when you got shot by the poacher when we went flying?" He used the cloth to wipe her forehead, his thumb then lingering to stroke her temple._

 _She nodded weakly, her eyes focusing on his and pulling strength from them._

 _"All you got after that was a scar and a steak dinner from me. But this time, Mac, we are going to have a beautiful baby. You are the strongest person I know, Marine."_

 _"Okay, get ready to give us your best push yet," the doctor said._

 _"Harm…" she reached for his hand again._

 _"You can do it. Do I have to make it an order, Colonel?" He flashed his flyboy grin. She may not be in the military anymore, but he still couldn't resist teasing her a bit._

 _"Oh, no. I'm not taking orders from you, Squid. But will you buy me a steak dinner again?" She asked._

 _"Absolutely," he laughed._

 _"Okay, now," the doctor said._

 _Mac gave it the best she had and after the contraction ended, she heard the most beautiful sound in the entire world….the sound of their baby crying._

 _"I knew you could do it! I love you, Sarah."_

 _"Love you," she whispered, the tears already clouding her eyes._

 _The doctor placed the squirming baby on her stomach and two nurses began to clean the baby.. "Hello, little one," she cooed._

 _"Are you two ready to know if you have a son or a daughter?" The doctor asked._

 _"Yes!" They exclaimed in unison._

 _The doctor laughed. "Would you like to do the honors, Dad, and cut the cord so Baby Rabb can be turned and see her mommy's face."_

 _"A girl," they said in unison._

 _"Are you two always this in sync?" The doctor asked as he showed Harm were to cut the cord. His question went unanswered because the new parents were completely mesmerized by their daughter. "I wish more couples were like you," he added. "Does this little one have a name yet or do you two need some more time?"_

 _"Caroline Patricia Rabb," Mac replied. "That's her name."_

* * *

"Hi," a soft voiced called and slowly pulled him away from his thoughts. "I got here as fast as I could."

He looked up to see Harriet walking towards him. Her hair was pulled back into a high ponytail, she had on a pair of yoga pants and a parent teacher association sweatshirt.

"Harriet," he managed to choke out. "Thanks for coming."

"Any news yet?" she asked as she crossed the remaining space between them and sat down in the chair beside him.

"No."

"What do you need from me? What can I do?"

"Being here...it's enough. I, um, I didn't know who else to call...I'm sorry I woke you up at this hour."

"I'm glad you called," she assured him. "Where is Caroline?"

"She's with Joann right now."

"Okay, good."

"There was so much blood, Harriet...so much. I've seen terrible things in my career Harriet, but it's different when it's the person you love...when it's Mac."

"I know," Harriet said, softly. "Believe me, I know. No amount of training can prepare you for something like this."

Neither one of the could say how long they sat in silence before footsteps caused them to look up. Harm jumped to his feet when he realized it was Dr. Brenner and not a nurse.

"What happened?" He asked quickly. "How's the baby? How's Mac?"

The doctor lowered her surgical mask and brought her gaze to meet her patient's husband's. "Maybe we should talk privately," she suggested.

A little voice in Harm's head reminded him that good news comes in the waiting room and bad news comes in a private room. He looked around and noted that he and Harriet were still the only people in the waiting room. "No," he said firmly. "Tell me know. Whatever it is. Tell me."

By now Harriet had stood up as well. She was good at reading people and the doctor's demeanor caused tears to instantly well in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, we did everything we could. The baby didn't make it. She was stillborn...by the time we could get to her, the abruption was complete and it caused too much distress to the fe-." she began to say "fetus" but caught herself and said finished with, "baby," instead. "The clot in the placenta was very large. It cut off the oxygen supply to the baby...her heart stopped before we could get her out."

Harriet gasped, and Harm stared at the doctor, unable to speak.

The doctor looked down at the clipboard in her hands and then back up at Harm. "Your wife is hemorrhaging badly. If we can stop the bleeding, she will require several blood transfusions."

"If you can stop the bleeding?"

Elise nodded. "As I am sure you are aware, you wife suffers from endometriosis," Harm nodded and she continued. "The scar tissue is making it complicated to stop the bleeding. A hysterectomy is the best way to stop the bleeding, but since your wife is currently under general anesthesia, and you are the next of kin, I would need your permission to remove the ovaries. They are covered in scar tissue from the endometriosis as well." She turned the clipboard to him. "I know it may seem overwhelming. We can have a social worker come down to explain what you are signing should you choose to sign. They will be able to explain the legal jargon. I know it can be overwhelming."

Harm shook his head. "That won't be necessary. I'm an attorney. I know what I am signing." He reached for the pen and signed the necessary lines with a trembling hand. "Save. My. Wife." He practically ordered the doctor. "By whatever means necessary. Save her. I can't lose both of them today."

Elise nodded. "I'll do my best, Mr. Rabb."

"Can I see her? The baby?" Harm asked.

"I'll have it arranged. A nurse will come and get you when it is time. I'm sorry for your loss." Elise sucked in a breath – she had been a doctor for fifteen years and delivering news like that never was easy.

The doctor left and walked towards the door marked "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY" and Harm found that he was rooted in place, unable to move and barely able to stand. He swore he could feel the whole word slip away from under him.

He was startled by a soft touch on his arm. "I'm so sorry," Harriet mouthed the words, unable to speak.

He turned around slowly, still dazed and in shock, and Harriet pulled him into an embrace.

The irony of the situation was not lost on her. The initial grief of losing her own daughter, Baby Sarah, all those years ago and Harm being the one to comfort her and let her grieve in her own way came flooding back to her in overpowering waves.

"One day, one thing, one battle, at a time," Harriet finally said. "It's hard, but you'll find a new normal. Eventually."


	9. Chapter 8

Thank you all for the support from the last chapter. I know It wasn't something we wanted to see happen, so thanks for sticking with me.

* * *

University Hospital

May 3, 2010

"Do you want another cup of coffee?" Harriet asked. Harm didn't reply. "Do you want something to eat?"

By then, his brain registered that she was speaking to him. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I asked if you wanted something to eat or another cup of coffee."

He shook his head. "I don't think I'll be able to eat anytime soon. I am sick to my stomach."

"You still need to eat," she reminded him – her motherly instincts always prevalent.

"I can't even think about food until I know how Mac is. I can't lose her, Harriet. She's been the most important part of my life for nearly fifteen years. I don't know how to exist without her...and Caroline... she needs Mac... She needs her mother. I was just a little bit older than her when my dad was shot down..." he trailed off. "We all need Mac," he finally finished. "We promised each other an eternity...I can't lose both of them."

"Mac's a fighter. She'll pull through."

"How did everything change so fast, Harriet? How? This shouldn't be like this. I feel like I punched out of a Tomcat with no parachute in sight. I have no control over this...I'm not used to not having control over a situation."

"We can't control everything," she reminded him patiently. "Life doesn't work that way."

Footsteps could be heard approaching and both Harriet and Harm stood up to find Dr. Brenner walking towards them. "Mr. Rabb," she began.

Harriet clung to Harm's arm which served a dual purpose- sign of support and to help them both stand without falling over.

"The total hysterectomy was successful. Sarah did require a blood transfusion due to the amount of blood that was lost, but she is considered to be in fair condition."

"Oh, thank God." Harriet said with a sniffle as she used her sleeve to wipe her eyes.

"When can I see her?"

"She is in the process of being moved to a recovery room. A nurse will come and get you once she is situated."

"Does she know? About the baby? About the hysterectomy?"

Elise shook her head. "No, she's still heavily sedated and hasn't woken up from the anesthesia yet. I can tell her once -"

"No!" Harm interrupted a bit abruptly. "No, Doctor. With all due respect, Mac needs to hear it from me. I have to be the one to tell her."

The doctor raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?" In her past experiences, she was used to the patient's family always wanting _her_ to be the one to break the bad news.

He nodded. "She needs to hear it from me."

"Okay," the doctor replied. "I'll give you ample time to talk to her, and then I'll stop by to check on her and answer any remaining questions that you two may have."

"Thank you."

The doctor's pager beeped and she looked down at it before speaking again. "I'm need in the emergency room again. The nurse will be by very soon to bring you to your wife's room." She said before she excused herself and disappeared down the hall.

"She's alive," Harm stated, still dazed. "Mac is alive."

Harriet threw her arms around him and hugged him. "She's a fighter."

"My wife is still alive," he sobbed as he tightened his arms around Harriet and held on for dear life. "I was so afraid that we were going to lose her."

* * *

"This is fun, JoJo!" Caroline laughed as she finger-painted happily on a pink of green canvas paper.

"That's beautiful!" Joann praised. "You are very talented, Caroline."

"Can I give my picture to Mommy? I made Daddy a picture last time. Mommy needs a picture."

Joann smiled sadly and bit her lip. She still didn't hear from Harm and couldn't decide if the old "no news is good news" statement was likely to be true. "That is a wonderful idea."

Now showered and changed out of his uniform and into a pair of sweats, Chris entered the kitchen and smiled at the scene in front of him. "Wow, Caroline," he began, "JoJo doesn't let me paint in the middle of the night. You're a lucky girl."

"I couldn't seep cause I miss Mommy and Daddy, so JoJo said painting would make me feel better." Caroline replied without even looking up from her artwork. "Why'd they go bye-bye when it's still night time?"

"Uhhh," Joann began. "They had something important to do." She said, hoping that would satisfy the toddler. When Caroline didn't say anything else, Joann made eye contact with Chris and motioned for him to step out of Caroline's earshot and towards the other countertop.

"Any word?" Chris asked softly as he began to prepare the coffee pot.

Joann shook her head. "No, not yet."

Chris nodded.

Joann sighed and leaned against the countertop. "I just hope everything is okay."

"Me, too." Chris smiled as she watched Caroline paint. "It's nice to have a kid in the house again. It's feels like an entire lifetime ago when our own were this little."

"Every now and then I wonder where time went and how we ended up with a set of 21 year old twins who don't even live in the same state as us anymore."

"And every now and then, I wonder how I am married to someone who is old enough to have kids that age."

"Hah," she laughed, "You think you're so funny, don't you?" He shrugged, flashing his own charming smile in the process before Joann's cellphone chirped. She quickly turned it over to look at the screen. "It's a text from Harriet," she said.

"I'm assuming she must be at the hospital with Harm, then," Chris reasoned. "I'm glad he isn't alone."

Joann nodded and then opened the text message. She gasped, and covered her mouth with her left hand as she dropped her phone on the counter with her other hand.

"What..." Chris began before picking up his phone and reading the message himself.

 _Baby didn't make it. Mac is stable. Can't talk now. Will call soon._

"I don't even know what to say to that. My heart is breaking for them."

Chris wrapped his arm around his wife's shoulders and the two of them stood silently while they watched Caroline paint, the young girl was completely oblivious to what was going on. "Whatever they need from us, we'll be there for them."

"I know its so cliché and so dumb, but I just feel like I have to make them dinner. Where did that concept come from anyway? Like "hi, I'm sorry about your loss, but here, have a casserole." Who comes up with this stuff," she sniffled.

Chris didn't reply, he was too busy listening to Caroline who was talking up a storm as she painted.

"And this is how you make a tree! And this is blue. Blue is my favoritest color in da whole world. I likes Na-by blue cause Daddy's in the Na-by."

Chris leaned across the countertop so he was at Caroline's level. "Hey, Caroline?" he began.

Caroline looked up from her artwork and smiled sweetly. "Hi."

"Hi," he smiled back as he spoke softly. "Who are you talking to?" he asked gently; he didn't remember Caroline having an imaginary friend when he talked to her a few days ago, but he rationalized, she was just a child, things could change quickly and an imaginary friend at her age wasn't that uncommon.

Caroline's expression changed from happy to confused as she tried to figure out why the grown up would ask her such a silly question.. ""My sister! She likes to paint, too," Caroline replied simply. "She came to visit me."

"Yo-your sister?" Chris repeated.

Caroline nodded. "She wants to see the inside of the peace car after breakfast, too."

Chris turned around and looked at his wife. All the color had seemed to drain from her face. "Was the baby a girl?"

"I-I-I don't know," Joann stammered. "Mac said they weren't going to find out. They wanted to be surprised."

"They say children can sense things like...this...spirits…" Chris trailed off.

xxx

"You can follow me, Mr. Rabb," the middle-aged nurse said sympathetically. "I'll show you to your wife's room."

Harm stood up from his chair and looked at Harriet, suddenly unsure of what he was supposed to do. "Go on," she said, softly. "I'll call Bud and, um, let him know what is going on," she said as she, too, stood up. "I'll stay right here as long as you need me."

"You don't have to do that, Harriet," Harm tried to brush it off. "You have to get home to your kids, and..."

"No," she stopped him. "Bud can take care of everything, and Caroline will be fine with Joann and Chris for now. I'll call Joann after I call Bud."

"Thank you," he choked out as he hugged her, "Thank you. I need to call Mom and Frank...and Mattie...I don't know how to tell them...I don't know what to say to Mac either."

"Do you want me to make any other phone calls besides Joann and Bud? I'll call anyone you want me to."

He shook his head. "No...I'll do it...after I talk to Mac."

"Okay." Harriet blinked several times as an attempt to control the flow of her tears. "I know it's the worst situation imaginable," Harriet said, speaking from experience, "but some day, you will find a new normal. As painful as it is, the world keeps turning, the seasons keep changing. Life keeps marching on."

Harm still looked unsure, and Harriet knew she had never seen him this broken before.

"You are strong," Harriet continued, "Mac is strong..." Harm nodded and she continued. "Together, you two are unstoppable. You'll be able to support each other through this. And Bud and I will be here every step of the way."

"Mr. Rabb?" the nurse prompted once more. "Shall we go to your wife's room?"

He took a deep breath and nodded. He followed the nurse from the waiting room to the end of the hall and around the corner to a separate wing of the maternity floor. It took every ounce of military training he had in him to follow the nurse even though he felt like his legs were going to give out. He noticed that there was a teardrop sticker on the door to Mac's room symbolizing to hospital staff that it was not a happy occasion inside that room.

"She should be waking up soon, and the doctor will be by in a little bit to check on her."

"Thank you," Harm said distractedly as he pulled the chair over to the side of Mac's bed.

The nurse nodded, stepped out of the room and pulled the door closed behind her.

"Oh, Mac," he sobbed as he kissed her hand. "Oh, Sarah."

The sun was slowly begin to rise and could be seen peeking through the window of her Mac's hospital room, but it was a far contrast from the dark cloud that was lingering in the room.

* * *

"Hi, Bud," Harriet said sadly when her husband answered the phone on the second ring.

He sighed heavily at her tone. "I'm afraid to ask..."

"The baby...the baby died," her voice broke. "It was a girl." _Just like our Sarah_ , she thought.

Bud didn't say anything, he was too shocked.

"Mac is stable now. They couldn't control the bleeding and had to perform an emergency hysterectomy."

"How...how are they- Harm and Mac?"

"Harm is hanging on as best as he can. He just went back to Mac's room. She hasn't woken up yet."

"What should I do?"

"If you have time, would you be able to stop over their house and clean up? Harm said there was a lot of blood and I don't either one of them to see it when they go home. If you can't, I'll stop over after I leave here."

"No, no. I'll do it. They shouldn't go home to that. I'll take care of it. I don't have to be in court today, so I'll go as soon as the kids go to school. You probably won't be home before then, right?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Is Caroline with you?"

"No, she's with the neighbor for now. Though, I'm sure they'll want to see her soon."

"I'll pack a bag for Caroline when I go to the house. I know how much being with AJ helped us after Sarah died, but I also know how helpful it was when Harm and Mac took turns watching him so we had time to process things."

"Yes," Harriet agreed. "That's exactly what I was thinking."

* * *

Harm studied his wife's appearance through teary eyes. She looked pale and almost lifeless. She was hooked up to several IVs and monitors and Harm soon discovered that he found comfort in the steady beeping of the device that was monitoring her heart rate. Their lives took a terrible turn in the past several hours – they lost their baby and Mac almost died – but the beep, beep, beep of the machine reminded him that Mac was still here. She was alive.

They had been through a lot since they first met each other all those years ago – stalkers, crazed killers, war zones, terrorists, even Paraguay and all the horrendous aftermath, but nothing, _nothing_ they had been through before could have prepared him for this.

Not a single thing.

A low moan from his wife cause him to jump.

"Sarah," he said gently as he leaned closer.

"H-H-Harm," she struggled to say.

"It's me. I'm right here," he brought her hand to his lips and kissed it again. "I'm right here," he said followed by a sob.

"What...what ha-happened?" She could feel his tears against her hand as he held it close to his mouth and continued to kiss it.

"I don't know how to tell you. I don't know. I don't know how to say the words. I don't _want_ to say the words because then it makes it real."

Mac forced herself to keep her eyes open for more than a second at a time and looked at her husband's grief stricken face and then glanced down to her stomach. She was incredibly dazed from all the medication, but she didn't feel pregnant anymore…she felt empty.

Slowly, memories of the past few hours came back to her in flashes.

She was sleeping. She thought she was having contractions. She thought her water broke. She turned on the light and saw blood, so much blood. They went to the hospital, and any memory past that became fuzzy. The baby was in distress, she thought. She was prepped for an emergency C-section. And then, she didn't have one single memory after that. Not one. The realization of what must have happened hit her like a freight train.

"No," she said with a sob of her own. "No," she used every ounce of strength she had left in her to shake her head. "Don't say it. No. If you say it becomes true."

"I'm sorry." He cupped her face in his hands and used his thumbs to wipe away the silent tears that were streaming down her face. "There wasn't anything the doctors could do..."

She reached out and touched his face. "No," she said again.

"She didn't make it. Our baby girl...she didn't make it. She was stillborn."

"A-girl? We had another girl?"

He nodded. "She was so beautiful. So beautiful."

"You got to see her?"

"For a minute, yes."

"Can-can I see her?"

"The doctor said they would arrange a way for you to see her."

"Audrey," she said simply.

"What?"

"I want to name her Audrey. We both liked that name."

"That's a perfect name for her. She looks like an Audrey."

"What happened? Why did this happen? I don't remember what they said when I was first admitted. I remember the OBGYN being called, but everything is blurry."

"They said it was a severe placental abruption." He shut his eyes and tried to remember how the doctor had explained things to him. He was in such a state of shock then that he wasn't even sure if he was understanding the doctor correctly when she spoke. "The placenta broke away uterine wall. There was a blood clot that formed and cut off oxygen to the baby. Audrey's heart stopped beating before they could get her out. Umm, Mac," he said, taking a deep breath before he lost his nerve. "That's not all."

Mac couldn't even formulate a word let alone string together a phrase, so she didn't say anything.

"Um, uh," Harm began. "You were bleeding a lot, Mac. You were going into shock. You almost died... You lost a lot of blood and..."

"And what?" she asked, confused.

"They had to preform a hysterectomy. It was the only way to stop the bleeding...the only way to save you. They had to take the ovaries, too, they were too scarred to stay."

"Oh," she said simply, too broken, exhausted, and confused to say anything else. The denial of losing her baby and the ability to have another was already setting in.

"The doctor will be in soon to explain everything. I need to hear it again. I wasn't able to process everything when she first was explaining it to me."

"I just...I just want to see Audrey. I need to see her."

"Okay, the doctor will be by soon and..."

"No," she was adamant. "I need to see her now. Please," she sobbed. "Please." Her arms were aching to hold the child. "I need to."

"Okay," he said as he stood up from his seat. "I'll go. I'll find out how to make it happen."

"I just...need to hold Audrey."

"You will, you will. I promise."

When Mac was alone, she allowed herself to cry even more than she thought was humanly possible. Her whole entire body ached from both physical pain and emotional pain and she didn't know if she could ever feel like herself again.

Her whole entire life changed in an instant – their family was forever altered – and nothing would ever be the same again.

She lost track of time – her internal clock completely on the fritz- and had no idea how much time had passed by the time Harm and a nurse returned with the bassinet that held their child.

The same nurse that showed Harm to Mac room before wheeled the bassinet over to Mac's bed and smiled sadly...a part of Mac wondered if it was a pity look. "I'll give you some privacy, but a social worker will come down in a little bit. She'll be able to help with funeral arrangements."

Harm nodded to the nurse as an acknowledgement, and she quietly slipped out of the room. He moved over to the bassinet and carefully lifted the tiny baby into his arms and handed her to Mac.

"She does look like an Audrey," Mac sniffled.

"She has Caroline's mouth..."

"And your nose.."

"But she looks more like you..."

"We'll never know whose brains she'd have..." Mac sobbed. "What her favorite color would be, her favorite food, her favorite toy, her favorite animal. We'll never see her take her first steps, go to school, graduate, get married, have a family of her own."

Harm didn't say anything, he didn't know _what_ to say – there wasn't anything _to_ say that could make either one of them feel better.

Harriet's words about finding a "new normal" haunted him, and he wondered how they would ever learn to adapt to their "new normal."


	10. Chapter 9a added 4-15-20

Hopefully, if you find this chapter in 2020, you won't be too confused. Back when I was writing this story in 2018/2019, I got a new laptop and transferred all my files. It wasn't until Quarantine 2020, that I was going through and seriously organizing my computer files, that I discovered I had pretty much written a chapter for "Together" that got lost in the shuffle. I considered adding this to "Unity" as a flashback instead, but I changed my mind. It belongs here, and I hope you all find it and enjoy a bonus chapter!

* * *

May 9, 2010

It was a few days after his life had turned upside down, when Harm opened the front door and his mother and stepfather were on the other side.

"Oh, Harm," his mother whispered as she pulled him close for a hug and Frank reached out to place a hand on his shoulder. "How are you?"

She knew it was a dumb question to ask a grieving parent, yet she didn't know what else to say. She took a step back and studied her son. He was a shell of the man she saw a few months ago when he and Mac announced the pregnancy. She didn't see the strong, confidant officer, husband, and father anymore. Instead, what she saw brought her back to the weeks after his father's disappearance when he was just six years old.

"We're barely hanging on, Mom," he confessed with his voice cracking.

Trish nodded sadly. "We're here for whatever you need," she assured him. She hugged him again, squeezing tightly while wishing she could take away all the pain. When they pulled away from each other and entered the house she said, "I know you, Harm. I know how you are."

"Huh?" he asked as they deposited the suitcases on the floor in the foyer and made their way to the kitchen. "There's a fresh pot of coffee," he said to them as he motioned towards the coffee pot on the counter.

"I know how you are," she repeated. "I know that you are going to be so focused on taking care of Mac and Caroline right now, and I understand that. But, Harm," she paused for a moment. "You can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone. It's okay to grieve. It's important. It's necessary."

He nodded, barely processing her words. Lately all he seemed to be doing was going through the motions of life absentmindedly.

"Where's Caroline?" he realized Frank had asked.

"Harriet took Caroline for the day. I think she said she was going to take her and Nikki out for brunch and a movie."

"Harriet is such a sweetheart," Trish commented.

"Yeah," Harm agreed. "She and Bud have been amazing."

"Well, Caroline isn't here, and I'm perfectly capable of checking in on Mac, so maybe you and Frank should go out for a game of golf," she suggested.

Harm was pretty sure his mother had completely lost her mind. It's been barely a week since his daughter died and his wife almost died, and she had the nerve to suggest a game of golf. He was flabbergasted. "Mom!" He exclaimed in shock. "I can't leave Mac," his voice softened. "She barely talks to me right now, but I absolutely cannot leave her alone."

"She won't be alone," she pointed out. "And what did I just say about the weight of the world?"

It was Frank who spoke next – trying his best to diffuse the storm that was sure to be brewing between mother and son. He knew his wife had nothing but good intentions, but sometimes, she didn't express that to her son in the best way. "What about a trip to The Wall?" he asked. "I can drive you if you'd like, and your mother will take good care of Mac while we're gone."

Harm sighed, unsure whether or not he should leave the house. What he really wanted to do was take a flight in _Sarah_ , but since that was out of the question, maybe a visit to The Wall would be the next best thing. He was debating the pros and cons with himself in his brain before he reminded himself that Frank was still speaking, and he should probably be paying attention.

"But, obviously, I don't have to go. I understand if you'd rather go alone to The Wall, and I'd never want to intrude on your time with your dad, but I just thought that maybe going there would be good for you."

In that moment, he realized again what an amazing man his stepfather was, and regretted all the hard times he gave him while he was growing up. Frank had never once tried to replace his father. Harm sighed again and scrubbed his hand over his face. "I appreciate the suggestion," he began, "and I would love your company, too, Frank."

Frank smiled, and Harm could tell that he seemed a little surprised that he agreed.

"Just let me tell Mac that you're here and that I'm going to leave for a little bit."

* * *

"Hey, Mac," he said softly as he stepped into their bedroom. "Mom and Frank are here."

"Okay."

He sat on the edge of the bed and brushed his hand through her hair. "Frank and I were going to run a few errands, if that's okay. We won't be gone long, and Mom is here if you need anything."

"Okay."

"I don't have to go if you'd rather have me here..."

"I said it was okay," she snapped, effectively cutting him off from saying anything else. She winced as she tried to sit up.

"Are you okay?" He asked immediately concerned.

"Yeah," she sucked in a breath. "I just want to sit up...I moved too fast."

"Let me help." He gently maneuvered her to an upright position and then reached behind her to adjust the pillows. "How's that?"

"It's fine."

"I won't be gone long," he repeated. "Call me if you need me, and I promise you, I'll be on my way home before we even hung up."

He leaned forward to kiss her lips gently, but at the last second, she turned away and he ended up planting an awkward kiss on her chin. Turning away had been a complete reflex and tore Mac's heart apart that she didn't know why she did it, or that she couldn't stop herself from doing it in the first place.

He frowned, but didn't say anything. "Well," he began to stand up from the bed. "I'll be back soon." Harm paused when he reached the door – one foot was already in the hallway and the other was still planted firmly in their bedroom. "Hey, Mac?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I know," she replied, her voice cracking as she bit her lip. "I love you, too." And she really did, obviously, but ever since Audrey died, she felt like she was suffocating and she couldn't make sense of anything anymore.

"I know you do," he offered a sad smile. "If Caroline gets home before me, Mom will take care of everything she needs."

* * *

Sometime later, there were two gentle knocks on the door. Mac's internal clock hadn't worked since before she went to the hospital, and she could honestly say she had no idea how long had passed since Harm left and the two knocks sounded.

"Darling...it's me." She heard Trish call from the other side. "Is it okay if I come in?"

"Yeah, Trish. It's open."

Trish pushed open the door, and it took everything she had in her to not instantly burst into tears. She quickly made her way over to the bed and sat on the edge beside Mac. "I just … well, I just really need to hug you. If you don't mind...I don't want to hurt you, but..." The desire she had to hug and comfort Mac was just as strong as the desire she had to comfort her own son when Harm called to tell them what had happened.

Mac could only nod, tears welling in her eyes, as she let out a strangled sob and opened her arms to Trish as best as she could without causing herself too much pain. Harm had been nothing but amazing – a true rock and pillar through it all – but there was another sense of comfort Mac was craving. The kind of maternal comfort that she never truly experienced ever in her life.

Trish did comfort Mac in the very same manner that a mother would comfort a child. She cradled her in her arms, whispered soothing words into her hair and ever so gently kissed her temple. The memory of comforting Harm that very same way one the fateful Christmas Eve in 1969 came back to her in overwhelming waves.

Eventually, Mac's ragged sobs turned into hiccups, and Trish reached over for a tissue from the nightstand. She offered it to Mac and waited as she wiped her eyes and blew her nose before speaking again. "I'm here if you want to talk."

Mac sniffled. "Nothing makes sense anymore."

Trish nodded, encouraging Mac to continue.

"Everything hurts...physically, emotionally, mentally."

"I know," she said softly.

"And I know Harm means well, but I don't know how to talk about this with him. It's just too hard. I can tell he wants to talk, but I'm just not ready yet. I need time." Mac wiped her nose again with the tissue. "The hospital said it was important to monitor my temperature for a few days since it could be a sign of an infection, and Harm has checked it every hour on the hour, he's constantly monitoring whether or not I'm eating, and how much liquids I'm drinking. Hell, he even wants to monitor the incision to make sure it doesn't look infected, but I won't let him near it. It's bad enough I have to see it... and be reminded of everything...I...I don't want him to see it yet," her voice sounded so small. "He's just constantly _here_ and I know that is a good thing, and I should be grateful, but it's just...it's a lot."

"I understand...he can be a little... _much_ in this type of situation, but he does it because he loves you. It's how he shows it. And, honestly, maybe it's my fault. He was only six years old when his world came crashing down and he assumed that "man of the house" mentality that was so common back them. He felt like he had to protect me...to take care of me." She smoothed Mac's bangs down gently, and as she looked into her eyes, she knew there was something she needed to say. "Can I tell you something?" she asked.

Mac furrowed her brows as she nodded – sensing a shift within Trish. "Of course," she moved over as carefully towards the middle of the bed as she could, and patted the now larger empty space near the edge of the bed.

Trish smiled at the gesture. "You don't mind?" she asked for confirmation.

"Of course not."

Trish settled against the headboard, and Mac rested her head on her shoulder much like Caroline would do to her while they read bedtime stories. "I know that no two pregnancy losses are the same, but I _can_ understand to an extent. I suffered a miscarriage before."

Mac's head shot up and she looked Trish in the eyes. "I had no idea..."

"Harm was six," Trish began to explain. "No one even knew I was pregnant. It must have happened right before Harm Senior left for his deployment in September. I actually realized right away that I was pregnant, and I was so excited. I didn't want to tell him the news in one of the audio letters, so I was keeping the news a secret. He had secured some mid-deployment leave and was supposed to come home the week of New Years, and I was going to tell him then...in person..." she trailed off for a moment, thinking about how even if that was the plan, Harm Senior never made it home. "But, um, I was probably right around ten weeks when I realized I was having a miscarriage. I was bleeding a lot –cramping, too- and I knew something was wrong. I made plans for Harm to spend the weekend with a family friend, and called my doctor who told me to go to the emergency room right away." She reached for a tissue for herself and dabbed it at her eyes.

Mac swallowed – she wasn't expecting her mother-in-law to say that. "Trish..." Mac wanted to say something else, but a sob escaped instead. "I am sorry." She knew saying "I'm sorry" seemed like such a lame attempt at offering comfort, and that she herself was annoyed with the number of Harm's colleagues sending sympathy flowers with those sentiments, but truly what else was there to say?

Trish sniffled. "Even after all these years, I wonder about that baby. Would it have looked like me? Or was the Rabb bloodline really extra strong and we'd have another spitting image of Harm Senior? Another child with the love of flying, or would I have had a child to share my love of art with? I always think about what a great big brother Harm would have been...there would have been the normal sibling rivalry, of course, but Harm is such a fierce protector of those that he loves. He's always been like that."

Mac knew what lengths Harm went to for Sergei, and she could only begin to imagine what lengths he would go through for a sibling he grew up with. "Absolutely," Mac agreed. There was a long pause before Mac spoke again. "Thank you for telling me this," Mac said softly.

"I'm telling you this because I want you to know that you can talk to me, darling. You and Harm aren't alone in this."

"Bud and Harriet lost a baby, too. So, I know they understand what it's like, but it just doesn't feel right talking to them about this. Harriet is amazing, I won't ever deny that, but over the years, I have never been particularly close to her. I know that sounds stupid since Harm and I are godparents to her children, and we always tell them to refer to us by name and not rank when we're out of the office... but there's a certain formality that is always subconsciously in our friendship because of military protocol."

"I understand that, Mac," Trish nodded. "I grieved privately. When it happened, the only people that knew were me and my doctor. It was a different era then and my girlfriends and I didn't talk about things like that. I didn't have any sisters; I wasn't close to my brothers' wives... and my mom died when I was thirteen. The only other person that I told was Sarah...nearly a year later. I was _really_ depressed. It was really bad, Mac, and I think Sarah had some type of sixth sense. She never pressured me to talk about it, but somehow, she knew that I was struggling with something else besides Harm's father not being found. So, one autumn day at her farm, I finally confessed everything to her. She held me while I cried, she reminded me that it wasn't my fault, and she told me I could always go to her to talk." Trish wrapped her arms tightly around Mac's shoulders. "I want to be that person for you...if you'll let me."

"You already are," Mac cried, as she hugged Trish back, ignoring the pain that was spreading throughout her body because of the sudden movement and the position she was in. "You already are," she repeated.

"Oh, darling. We're all here for you. There's something else I want you to know, too."

A beat or two passed, but Trish didn't say anything. Finally, Mac prompted, "What?"

"I'm not going to ask that you keep what I just told you to yourself, either. I'm going to tell Frank and I'll tell Harm, too. I've been thinking about talking about it ever since Harm called _that_ day...but...um...I just wanted to tell you first."

"I appreciate that. It means a lot to me," she assured her before shifting gears a bit. "How much did Harm tell you about the infertility struggles?"

"Not very much, dear. I made a comment about grandchildren the day he called to say you two got engaged, and he, well, I wouldn't say he became upset with me, but his mood definitely changed. He made me promise that I'd never say anything like that again, and especially not to you. He wouldn't say why, though, and I never pushed. I figured it was something more than not _wanting_ kids, but that was all conjecture."

"It's a long story, that predates our engagement..."

And Mac began to tell Trish _everything_ \- the baby deal, the falling out of the their relationship because of Paraguay, the discovery that she had endometriosis, how after that Harm still didn't abandon her even though she offered to let him out of the deal, the failed attempts at IVF in London, and how they even considered adoption.


	11. Chapter 10

As always – thanks for dropping by to share this journey with me.

* * *

Rabb Residence  
June 17, 2010

It had been just over six weeks since the tragedy of losing Audrey and Mac's extremely necessary hysterectomy. Harm had taken a leave of absence from work to spend his time at home taking care of Mac and Caroline.

Trish and Frank offered to stay as long as necessary during this unprecedented time. If it were up to Harm, he would have let them stay forever. He was a grown man, a lawyer, an aviator, and an admiral in the United States Navy, but there was still something so comforting about having your mother nearby during a crisis. Mac, however, didn't particularly share his sentiments, and Harm ultimately told his mother and stepfather that the two weeks they stayed was plenty and he and Mac need time to be on their own. Reluctantly, Trish and Frank returned to La Jolla with a reminder that they were only a flight away if they needed them to return.

Mattie came for a weekend to be close to them and spend time with Caroline before she returned to school to focus on her finals. Harm knew it was hard on her – no matter how brave of an act she tried to put on for them.

Caroline was too young to truly grasp the concept of death - almost every day she asked where the baby was and why it wasn't in her mommy's belly anymore, then followed with "Why can't I play with Audrey like Ellie plays with her brother?"

It was a question that broke his heart every time her sweet little voice asked and for as painful as it was for him, he knew that the emotional impact of the question was even more profound on Mac – the way her eyes would turn dark and her lips would purse together as she avoided answering Caroline's question did not go unnoticed to him.

Harriet and Bud had been a godsend throughout the entire ordeal; stopping over often to help in any way they could – dropping off groceries or taking Caroline to run around at the park – the little, mundane everyday things that had become a struggle in the Rabb household lately. Yet they still managed to keep their distance enough that they didn't come off as overbearing. Harm thought that Bud and Harriet knew how to help and give space in best ways possible because they too had lived through a similar situation.

Their fifth anniversary also came and went without either one of them in any mood to celebrate or acknowledge it. Harm didn't even order roses for Mac this year because all she did was complain about colleagues and friends sending them flowers after Audrey's passing. He figured it was better to skip flowers altogether this year. He did make her breakfast in bed, but considering she was spending much of her time in bed that week already, that didn't seem special either. When Harm really thought back to that day, he couldn't even remember if either one of them verbally acknowledged it was the anniversary to the other one at all.

Usually, with Mac, Harm felt like there was some force that _always_ pulled them together. It was a force that made their bond so strong that she was able to lead rescuers to him when he was adrift in the ocean; it was the same force that drew him to her when she was in Paraguay. But now, that force was pulling them away from each other. He didn't want to go back to their old ways. He was trying so hard not to shut Mac out during his grieving process, but she was the one shutting him out. She wouldn't open up to him, and they hardly talked about anything besides Caroline. He felt like they were just two people coexisting in the same environment. He felt like they lost each other, too, that tragic early morning in May just a few weeks ago.

Harm walked up the stairs slowly and approached the master bedroom. The door was closed. "Mac?" he called softly as he opened the door. "You okay?"

Mac was curled up on the bed, her back facing the door. He knew that she was staring at the tiny urn on the dresser that held Audrey's ashes. The only light on in the room came from the dimly lit lamp on her nightstand. "Fine," she mumbled, rolling her eyes even though he couldn't see her do it. He had asked her that question literally thousands of times over the last six weeks and she was tired of it. She didn't even know how to define "okay" anymore.

"Caroline wants to sleepover Bud and Harriet's tonight. I said she could, that isn't a problem, is it? Harriet said they have plenty of pajamas and clothes at their house, so she's all set for the night and Bud will drop her off in the morning on his way to work."

"Whatever."

Harm took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the bed. As soon as he sat down, Mac scooted further away from him.

"Talk to me, Mac."

"I don't have anything to say, Harm," she said curtly. "Leave me alone."

"We've barely said anything to each other since..." he trailed off, unsure how to word what had happened. "I miss her too, Mac." He added softly.

"I miss her so much that it hurts. Everything hurts. It's a physical pain – I swear. I thought the psychological pain of Paraguay and Sadik was bad... but this... it's unlike any pain I've ever felt in my entire life."

"I know, but that won't bring her back." The words escaped his lips before he could phrase his response any differently and he silently cursed himself for what he said and how he said it. Grief was an emotion that caused him to say the wrong words. He wouldn't want someone to say that to him, and he couldn't believe _he_ just said that to _Mac_.

"You don't need to remind me of that fact."

Mac sniffled, and Harm leaned over to comfort her.

"Don't touch me."

He pulled his hand away quickly as if he had been burned. "I'm sorry, Mac." He apologized, standing up from the bed.

Feeling his weight leave the bed, Mac felt more inclined to roll over and face him since they were no longer at such a close proximity.

"This isn't easy for me, you know."

Harm resisted the urge to scoff. "It's not easy for either one of us." He tried to use his "lawyer voice" and keep his tone steady even though he was getting frustrated with Mac's tone lately.

Mac got out of bed and began pacing the room, being sure to keep the bed between her and Harm. It was symbolic - a barrier between them in her mind. "It's not fair! And I know life is never fair, and I know that I've had my share of shit luck over the years, but damn it, Harm. Audrey didn't do anything wrong. She should still be here. I should tell be pregnant today, I should still be able to feel her move around, but I don't. I feel nothing. She's dead, and I just feel empty." Mac spat out angrily.

"You're right. It's not fair." He said, unsure of the best way to comfort Mac at the moment. Hell, he barely knew how to comfort himself over the loss of their child. Luckily, he had Bud and Harriet to turn to in his times of desperation- he didn't know if Mac talked to Harriet about it, but he tried to drop hints that she should. "There isn't an easy way to cope with this, Mac. It's going to be hard, complicated and messy."

"I think," she began slowly, "I think maybe it is time for you to go back to work." Her voice was voice was distant and cold, void of any real emotion.

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea."

"You're home all day, and I'm being smothered. This obviously isn't working. We're...broken."

Harm tried his best to keep his tone even, but his voice rose slightly. "I'm here to _help_ you because I love you, because I'm _your_ husband, because it's what I am supposed to do."

"It's what you're supposed to do?" She repeated, her own voice rising. "How very noble of you, Admiral Rabb."

"That's not how I meant that and you know it." He cursed himself again for slipping back into their old ways, where communication was strained and no matter how hard he tried to say the _right_ thing, he would always say the _wrong_ words.

"Well, I'm not a mind reader," she shot back.

"You are supposed to be resting and recovering, how can you do that if you have to chase Caroline around all day? Especially when you haven't even been spending all that much time with her lately."

"Oh, so now I am a bad mother, too?"

"Mac! You may not be a minder reader, but you sure are twisting my words."

She ignored him. "Sometimes, it's hard for me to spend time with Caroline. How many times can I answer her questions and explain to her that her baby sister lives in heaven? I can't even answer the question anymore. I just can't do it."

"She's three and a half years old, Mac. She doesn't understand this at all. I've explained it the best I could, and she hasn't said anything about Audrey in a week. All she knows is that Mommy needs to rest and that's why she's not able to play with her and that sometimes babies go to heaven instead of coming home to live with their family."

Tears stung at Mac's eyes, knowing that Caroline would probably never remember this in a few years. Suddenly, she felt guilty that she had wished Caroline would stop asking about Audrey. "Well, there's a daycare at the Pentagon...you can take her there while you work if you think I can't take care of her or until the doctor clears me to lift her. Whatever makes you happy."

The silence hung heavy between them.

"I don't know what you want, Mac," Harm finally said. "What is that you want from me?"

"I...I don't know what I want. I don't know who we are anymore...where we stand. I just don't know."

Harm took a step forward towards the door and then paused, recalling how she once said something eerily similar to that to him so long ago. "The last time you said something like that to me you ended things with Webb." He still didn't turn around to look at her. "You said the minute you start dissecting a relationship the damn thing is dead." He slowly turned around to face her. "Is that truly where you think we are, Mac?"

"And as I recall, you walked away." She said, avoiding his question.

"Damn it, Mac. That's not how it happened and you know it. I walked away because _you_ weren't ready yet, and maybe that was a mistake then. But what did you want me to do? Force you to talk about something that you didn't want to talk about? No matter what I did, it would have been wrong. _You_ didn't stop me, either." He pointed out.

"The hypocrisy of this situation astounds me."

"You can't compare these two situations!"

Mac shrugged.

"Mac-"

"Maybe we need a break, Harm." She spat out angrily, interrupting whatever it was that he was going to say.

"From our marriage?" His eyes grew wide, his expression both hurt and insulted.

"What else would I be talking about?" she answered, sarcastically. "We haven't worked together in years," she added, bitterly.

"No," he said firmly. "Absolutely not."

"Maybe it's the only way to fix this."

He shook his head. "No... that's reverting to how we were years ago. Running away from problems, not communicating, running away from each other. We are not starting that again, Mac. Absolutely not. We're stronger than that." Visions of the past flashed through his mind in short bursts – all the times they ran away from each other instead of confronting the issue in front of them – the two most notable being him leaving things between them up in the air when he went back to the life on a carrier and when she ran off to the other side of the world after things ended with Brumby.

She ran her fingers through her hair and let out a frustrated sigh. "I just need space, Harm. I'm used to being on my own."

"You can't use that excuse anymore, Mac. We are a _family._ You are never going to be alone again."

Mac didn't say anything, and turned away so she didn't have to face him anymore - the look in his eyes was too painful, but she couldn't stop the words that were coming out of her mouth. "You're being a hypocrite, you know. You _just_ said that you weren't going to stay all those years ago and force me to talk about something that I didn't want to talk about and now, here we are and you are obviously trying to make me talk about something that I do not want to talk about."

Her words struck a chord and he took a step backwards. He wanted to talk, yell or scream about all of this, but he could never force her to do anything she didn't want to do – he just couldn't. "Fine. You win this time, Mac." He grabbed his pillow off of the bed. "You want space, you can have it, but I'm not leaving this house. We're not running away from...this. When something is wrong, we fix it, and we can't fix it if we aren't even in the same house. I'll be in the guest room." He pulled open the bedroom door and stepped in the hallway slamming the door behind him.

Mac cringed at the sound of the door slamming. They had their shares of explosive fights when they were partners, but this one was different, and she feared that it was all her fault. She felt like she failed as a wife and a mother, and how do you explain that to your husband who is also your best friend?

She knew that she didn't actually want a divorce – she knew she was sad, depressed, and hormonal. Those emotions and feelings weren't new to her by any means, but they weren't something she was able to cope with well. She assumed she was letting this anger pour out because that was one emotion that she was able to express well and in some twisted way it was comforting to her.

Vaguely she could recall from the back of her mind something Harriet said to her when she was still in the hospital. " _You don't ever get over losing a child...you just end up adapting to your life and that becomes your new normal."_

She crawled into bed, clutching the pillow to her chest as she cried silently, knowing that it would be a long night of tossing, turning, and nightmares with very, very little sleep.

 _This_ was her new normal.


	12. Chapter 11

I'm sorry that these updates are coming later than I would like. If you are still sticking with me – THANK YOU!

* * *

Rabb Residence  
July 10, 2010

Caroline opened her eyes and blinked a few times before sitting up in bed. She got out of bed and walked across the room to play with her dollhouse before her mommy or daddy came to get her.

She was too young to tell time or read a calendar, but she knew it was a really long time since her mommy would come in her room and play with her before they would eat a snack and then go wake her daddy up. Caroline thought they used to do that on the weekends, but sometimes lately she noticed that her daddy was home lots of mornings in a row, so she didn't know when the weekends were anymore.

Harm was downstairs in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher when he could hear Caroline talking upstairs in her room and went to check on her. When he opened the door to her room, he found her playing with her dollhouse. No matter how bad the days were lately, Caroline still managed to bring so much joy to his life.

"Hi, Itsy-Bitsy." He smiled.

At the sound of his voice, Caroline whipped her head around and smiled. "Daddy!" she squealed as she dropped the dolls and ran to him - maybe her daddy was going to play with her today and then they would wake up her mommy. That would be fun, she thought.

In one fluid motion, he scooped her into his arms and kissed her nose. "Good morning. Are you hungry?"

Caroline's smile slowly disappeared and she rested her head on her dad's chest as she realized they weren't going to play together like she used to with her mommy before they had breakfast. "A wittle bit."

"Hey, what's wrong, Itsy-Bitsy?"

Caroline didn't say anything.

"Do you want scrambled eggs today?"

Caroline perked up a little bit. "Can I helps, Daddy?"

"Of course – you are the best helper around."

"Yay!"

A short time later, Caroline was sitting securely in her seat at the island with a mixing bowl and whisk in front of her. Harm had just cracked three eggs in a bowl and told her to do her thing. Caroline giggled happily as she swished the eggs around in the bowl.

"Daddy?"

"Hmm?"

"Can Aunt Harriet and Uncle Bud take me to the park today?"

"It's Saturday, honey, that means I don't have to work today. I can bring you to the park."

Caroline stared down at the eggs and shook her head. "No, I want Aunt Harriet and Uncle Bud."

"Why?" Harm asked, confused.

"Cause they love each other," she answered simply.

"Of course they do," Harm said, unsure what Caroline meant.

"You and Mommy don't love each other anymore," she continued as she whisked the eggs around.

The impact of the almost four-year old's words was more powerful than any punch out he ever experienced in his career. "Where did you get an idea like that? Mommy and I love each other very much...and we both love you very much, too." He assured her. "More than you can ever understand."

"You and Mommy don't sleep in the same bed anymore."

Harm had thought that Caroline didn't notice that, but he suddenly realized how very wrong he had been in that assumption.

Caroline continued to explain how she knew that as if she could understand the pure look of confusion on her father's face. "I had a bad dream one time and I went to your room cause I was scared. But you weren't there. Mommy was by herself, then I noticed you were in the room Nana and Papa sleep in when they come over...so I just went back to my own room."

Harm could swear he felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. "You were scared and you didn't get me or Mommy?"

Caroline shrugged. "Don't be mad, Daddy."

"I'm not mad, Itsy-Bitsy," he assured her. "I'm just...confused. Why didn't you wake one of us up?"

"Cause I love both of you the same and I didn't want to make someone sad since I couldn't pick both of you when I was scared..."

"Oh, Caroline, you can get either one of us for _any_ reason. We know you love both of us. Okay?"

Caroline nodded. "Did I do something bad and that's why you and Mommy don't sleep in the same room? I'm really sorry and I promise I'll be real good."

"Hey, look at me," he said gently. "Come on Caroline, look at Daddy." Caroline slowly lifted her head and Harm continued. "You didn't do _anything_ wrong. Sometimes Mommy's and Daddy's just need sleep in different rooms for a while. Okay? Mommy and I love you sooooo much." Caroline didn't look entirely convinced. "I promise," he added.

That made Caroline perk up. "You _promise?"_

"I _promise_."

"Mommy says your promises are very special."

Harm thought back to that fateful day on the JAG steps when he and Mac made their baby deal all those years ago. "Special like you," he smiled.

Caroline continued as she went back to whisking the eggs around in the bowl. "Mommy doesn't come to see the airpanes with us anymore and you and Mommy don't read me stories at nighttime together anymore. Aunt Harriet _and_ Uncle Bud read me and Nikki and Nathan bedtime stories when I sleep there and they sleep in the same bed and they both go to the park when we go...cause they love each other. That's what you do when you love people...right?"

"Mommy and I _do_ love each other," he said again. "You keep whisking the eggs, Itsy-Bitsy. I'll be back to cook them. Okay?"

"Okay, Daddy."

Harm left the kitchen and took the stairs two at the time. When he reached the bedroom door, he gave two quick knocks before he reached for the knob.

"Come in," Mac called.

" _That's a start,"_ Harm thought as he opened the door and crossed the threshold to their room. For a moment, it seemed odd for them both to be in the room at the same time. Lately, he would sneak in to get his clothes and what not when he was sure Mac wasn't in there. He even resulted to using the bathroom off of the hallway for his showers instead of the master bathroom. "We have a problem."

"A problem?" she asked, as she continued to put laundry away and avoided eye contact with him at all costs.

"Caroline thinks we don't love each other anymore."

Mac closed her eyes as an attempt to stop her tears. She had been in the process of walking down the stairs and heard every painful word of Caroline and Harm's conversation. She knew that Harm was going to come up to talk to her about it, and she quickly returned to the bedroom so they could avoid an awkward encounter in the hallway.

"Where did she get an idea like that?" she asked, even though she knew the answer.

"She knows we don't sleep in the same bed anymore and she realized that the three of us don't do things together as a family."

Mac closed the dresser drawer and turned to face her husband. It was the first time they looked directly at each other in weeks. Each one noticed how the other looked like an empty, broken shell of who they used to be.

"What did you say to her?" Mac finally found her voice – obviously she knew what he said, but she needed to hear him say it again.

"That we love each other and her." He replied without missing a beat.

"And you meant it?" she needed confirmation.

"Of course," he voice was soft.

Mac brought her bottom lip between her teeth and sucked in a breath. A part of her was expecting Harm to reach out and brush her bangs out of her eyes with his thumb as he said it, but he didn't move an inch. He was frozen in place all the way across the room with his back against the door frame – it felt like they were a million miles away from each other.

"It was the truth, right?" he asked – searching in his own way for a confirmation.

"Yes."

He nodded slowly. "Look, Mac, I don't know what is going on with us and where we stand...I know we need time to work all this out, but we need to put on a better act for Caroline's sake. She doesn't need to be worrying about stuff like this. She needs to know that no matter what happens..." He paused, and then finally added, "to our marriage, that we love her and each other... whether or not we sleep in the same room or the same house even...She needs to know that there are many types of love. She needs to know that," he insisted. Harm knew one thing for sure - even if they couldn't make their marriage work after this, he could _never_ stop loving Mac - and he had to make that clear.

Mac nodded – she grew up in a house where her parents would scream and fight and even throw things at each other – and she would never want Caroline to experience any of that, but she was beginning to realize how having parents who didn't even speak to each other was just as bad in its own way. Mac cursed herself for not noticing earlier how their behavior was affecting Caroline. What kind of mother did that make her? - Not any better than her own mother, she decided. "Should we take her to the Air and Space Museum today?"

Harm shook his head. "She wants to go to the park...she actually asked me if Bud and Harriet would take her..." He trailed off for a moment before he finished. "I think it's very important that we _both_ take her today."

 _That_ was new information to Mac and she realized she must have overheard their conversation right after that was said. "Okay," was all she could force herself to say.

"Daddy!" They could hear Caroline call from the kitchen. "It's all mixed real good!"

"I have to go," he said simply – no wink or smile like he would have done before. "Do you want scrambled eggs?"

"Um," Mac thought for a moment. "Yes, but I need a minute...I have to shower first." She suddenly felt like breaking down into tears and the shower was the only place she would let herself cry these day – it was her safe haven - otherwise, she was sure she would cry 24/7.

"Okay," was all he said before exiting the room and shutting the door behind him a little more forcefully than necessary.

Not even fifteen minutes and a good cry later, Mac entered the kitchen in a USMC t-shirt and slightly damp hair. She did smile as she entered the kitchen, but Harm quickly noticed the smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Perfect timing," he said as he placed a dish of eggs on the island and pushed it towards Mac.

The irony of the situation was not lost on either one of them. Not too long ago, Mac came into the kitchen with slightly damp hair, wearing one of his NAVY shirts after having taken a pregnancy test ready to have waffles with Caroline. Now here they were a few months later, they were getting ready to have eggs for breakfast with Caroline, she was wearing her old Marine shirt – she actually couldn't remember the last time she wore it instead of one of Harm's NAVY shirts – and instead of taking a pregnancy test she just had a very intense seven-minute cry in the shower.

The smile may not have fooled Harm, but it worked wonders for Caroline. The young girl's eyes sparkled when she realized that not only were her mommy and daddy in the same room at the same time but it looked like they were going to eat together like they used to before.

"Are you having scrambled eggs, Momma?" she asked.

"Of course!" She forced herself to answer cheerfully. "I miss having breakfast with my favorite girl."

"And Daddy?" Caroline asked in a small voice.

Mac knew that toddlers were a lot more perceptive than people gave them credit for and she knew she should not have expected anything less from Caroline – especially since she was the child of two lawyers and exceptionally smart for her age if Mac did say so herself. "And Daddy," Mac confirmed.

By now Harm had finished cooking his own breakfast and sat down at the island with Caroline and Mac. It just so happened that he and Mac both reached for the pepper shaker at the same time, but at the sudden, surprise contact, Mac flinched and pulled her hand away quickly.

" _How did we get here, Mac?"_ He wondered silently.

"Well," Mac cleared her throat. "Eat up, Caroline. We are going to have a busy day at the park and maybe we can get ice cream after."

"Oh, I like ice cream lots, Mommy."

Mac chuckled and finally a real smile graced her lips. "I know you do."

* * *

The park was just a few blocks away, so the Rabb family decided to walk there. Caroline skipped along happily between Harm and Mac as she held both of their hands.

"I want to play on the swings and the merry-go-round and the slide and the sandbox." Caroline exclaimed.

"You have big plans today, Caroline," Mac commented.

Caroline nodded. "I'm so excited!" She practically screamed.

"Ssh, use your inside voice," Mac said out of habit.

"But we're outside, Momma." Caroline replied, confused.

"Mommy just means that we are in public and have to be respectful of other people. Yelling isn't very nice." Harm offered.

Mac glared at him – he could have let her finish explaining it to Caroline and it annoyed her so much that he answered for her. "That looks like a good spot for our blanket," Mac said as she pointed to an empty spot across the way.

"It's by my favorite tree!"

"You have a favorite tree?" Mac asked. "Why is it your favorite?"

"I don't know," Caroline shrugged. "I just like it the most – it's where we have picnics with Aunt Harriet. Aunt Harriet showed me a um, a, an a-corn," Caroline sounded out slowly. "She said that the BIG tree was a TINY a-corn a LONG LONG time ago. Isn't that cool?"

"Very cool." Mac replied.

"Aunt Harriet teaches you a lot of things, doesn't she?"

"She tells me about trees and animals and flowers. Uncle Bud tells me about Star Trip but I don't know why he likes that so much."

Her remark earned a sincere smile from both of her parents. "Star Trek," they both corrected in unison.

"Oh, yeah. I gots confused." She giggled.

The trio played together for over an hour and Mac could tell that Caroline was ecstatic to be spending time with both of them. She made a promise to herself that no matter how bad things were between her and Harm they would put Caroline first – no matter what – just like they should have all along. She _would not_ let them turn into her parents.

Mac couldn't help but to "people watch" while they played together. She studied each family and found herself wondering what their stories were. Were they all genuinely happy like they seemed, or were they putting on acts like she and Harm were?

Mac was doing fine until she noticed another family a few yards away. It was painful for her to watch. There was a man playing catch with a little girl – not much older than Caroline – and a woman bouncing a baby that was probably just about six – months old up and down on her knee as she sat at the bench and watched. "Wave to Daddy and Sissy," she could hear the woman say to the baby as she waved his hand for him.

That was when Mac froze. She realized that this was the first time she left the house in months – other than for doctor's appointments – and it was the first time she came into any type of contact with a baby since Audrey died.

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy," Caroline repeated as she tugged at the hem of her mother's shirt. "Mommy."

Finally, Mac's brain registered Caroline's voice. "Y-yes, sweetheart?" She slowly pulled herself away from staring at the other family and looked at her daughter. Out of the corner of her eye, she could notice Harm take a step closer with a concerned look on his face.

Mac bent down and scooped Caroline into her arms and held her as tightly as she could. She _never_ wanted to let go.

Caroline could feel tears on her cheek – even though she didn't know what they were. "Momma, you're squishing me and getting me wet!" she exclaimed.

"I just love you so much," Mac whispered to her. "So much."

"I want down," she dangled her legs.

"Not yet," Mac said distractedly. "Not yet."

"Mac..." Harm began.

For a moment, his voice made her angry and she hated that she didn't even know why she felt that way. Slowly, she brought her gaze up to make eye contact with him. Twice in the same day, she thought. Must be some kind of record. She registered the look of concern on his face.

"How about we go home and get that ice cream, huh?" he asked.

He knew.

Even though they weren't on great terms and they were millions of miles apart emotionally, she realized he knew what had made her so upset.

"I'll gather up all of our things, and you and can Caroline can get a head start back to the house," he suggested.

"Okay," was all she could manage to stay. Mac set Caroline down and reached for hand. "Ready?" she asked.

"Ready!" Caroline laughed.

Harm took longer than necessary to pack up all of their belongings – he didn't even start to pack them up until Mac and Caroline were out of sight, actually. He thought back on the last few months as he absentmindedly tossed the blanket and Caroline's toys into the tote bag.

Today was a nice day, but he knew it was only for Caroline's sake – it didn't magically fix the issues that were taking root in their relationship. Mac was right...they were broken...everything seemed to be falling apart. They couldn't even communicate anymore. He tried to respect her wishes and give her the space she needed to grieve, but it didn't look like she was going to come around anytime soon.

He was tired of walking on eggshells around her; something needed to break the stalemate they were in, but he didn't know what. He was afraid that if he pushed her even just a millimeter too far when she wasn't ready, he would never get her back.

He remembered skimming through a pamphlet on pregnancy loss in the waiting room of the doctor's office when he brought Mac to her first follow up appointment a while ago. The article said that 40 percent of relationships didn't survive after a stillbirth.

He didn't like those odds.

He _did not_ want them to fall into that 40 percent.

He wanted them to be together for an eternity - _that_ was what they promised each other. But no matter how much he wanted that, he had some serious doubts and wondered if it would turn out to be a promise that he couldn't keep.


	13. Chapter 12

Thanks for all the feedback last chapter! The end is sneaking up on us faster than I realized. You'll have to stick around to see if I am referring to this story, or Harm and Mac's marriage... ;-)

xxx

July 16, 2010

Harm woke up at 5:15am and began his morning routine of getting ready for work. Mac used to be up before him in the mornings – always – and they would talk and drink coffee together before he would leave for the office.

That hasn't happened since before that fateful day in May – just a few months ago. When Harm first went back to work, he did take Caroline with him most days so she could go to daycare. It was abundantly clear that Mac wasn't ready physically to take care of the energetic toddler all day long. However, slowly as time went on, they eased into a "new normal" and Caroline went to daycare one day a week – on Thursdays - and on the other days, she stayed home with Mac.

It seemed to be working well for them. Caroline made many new friends at daycare and it gave Mac time to regroup on her own one day a week without anyone else in the house.

Harm went about his morning routine and mumbled to himself when he realized he didn't have any socks in this room anymore and he would have to go to Mac's room to get a pair.

He chuckled dryly. When did it become Mac's room and not their room?

After he finished getting on the rest of his uniform, he crossed the hallway and found himself standing awkwardly outside of the bedroom door. He couldn't decide if he should knock or just walk in. It was no secret that Mac wasn't sleeping well these days and he didn't want to wake her up if she was asleep. On the other hand, however, if she was awake, he didn't want her to accuse him of invading her space – because that was something she would do as of late.

They made some progress since they took Caroline to the park a few weeks ago, but not much. He knew that any progress they made was a façade for Caroline's sake. When they were with Caroline things were good, but when they found themselves alone with each other, things were still awkward and strained. He knew the longer he let this behavior continue the worse it would become and it would be forever a part of his new normal or it would become the end of their marriage. He needed to bite the bullet and break the stalemate, but much like Mac, he lost a part of himself the day Audrey died, and he wasn't sure how to do that anymore.

Harriet asked him once if they went to grief counseling or to a grief support group. He admitted to her they had not and she was adamant that it was an important thing to go to. She said she knew it benefitted her more than it did Bud, but the two times they went together were incredibly helpful.

The problem, Harm pointed out to Harriet, was that Mac really wasn't big on the whole counseling scene. The admiral had to order her to go to counseling for her PTSD and it was all but a disaster at the time. Although, Harm would also acknowledge that it wasn't until after Mac's accident on Christmas Eve that he did learn how much Mac improved from her sessions with Commander McCool.

With a sigh, and an internal debate over what to do, he went to open the door. As he turned the knob, his brain registered that it was the 16th of July...the estimated due date for Audrey. He swallowed as he pushed the door open. The room was dark, but it didn't surprise him that Mac wasn't sleep, she wasn't even in bed actually. He followed the very faint glow of the closet light and found her sitting on the floor surrounded by a pile of shoes.

"I have to many shoes," she said when she felt his presence. "I need to get rid of some. There's too much clutter. It has to go."

Flashes of past conversations came flooding back to him in broken pieces.

" _What are you searching for?"_  
 _"What every woman wants. A great career, a good man, and comfortable shoes, lots and lots of them."_  
 _"What do you want most?"_  
 _"What I want most Mac, is ... is to never lose you."_

"Sarah..."

She turned to face him. "I have too many shoes," she said again, void of any emotion.

"You can have as many shoes as you want."

"I have to get rid of them," she repeated.

"I know what today is...should be...uh, well," he struggled with how to say it and then kneeled on the floor and sat beside her. "I'm not going to go to work today."

"You already have your uniform on."

"I can change. I'm not leaving today."

"You should really go to work," she said softly.

"Not happening, Mac." One of the perks to his current billet was that it allowed him greater flexibility with his schedule and often times he could even work from home as long as there wasn't an important meeting or an emergency that would come up.

"Okay," she said distractedly as she stared at the medals and ribbons on his summer uniform – she fought the urge to reach out and touch them like she used to so many times before. Why was she fighting the desire to touch him? When was the last time she initiated any type of physical contact? She couldn't even remember anymore.

"When is the last time you slept?" He asked her as he pushed away a pile of shoes and leaned against the wall.

Mac mirrored his actions and sat about five or six inches away from him – her back also to the wall. "Honestly? I'm not sure...days, nights, they all run together." He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. "Don't say it. I know that isn't good. Spare me the lecture."

He closed his mouth without saying a word. The silence hung heavy between them for a long time. Mac's internal clock hasn't worked since Audrey died and she couldn't say how long the silence lasted.

Finally, Harm cleared his throat and spoke. "Harriet said grief counseling helped them so much."

"I'm not Harriet, Harm. I don't want to sit in a room with a bunch of other grieving parents and listen to them talk for an hour. I can't do that."

"Alright."

"I'm sorry, but I can't. If you think it will help you, then you should go."

"I don't know what I think, Mac."

"We aren't the same people we were twelve weeks ago."

Her comment was ominous and Harm didn't know if it was a result of her sleep deprived state or a way to hint at the state of their relationship.

"We aren't the same people we were fifteen years ago, either," he countered back.

She sighed, pulled her knees up to her chest and leaned further back against the wall. "No," she agreed. "We aren't."

"What does that mean for us?"

Panic bubbled in the pit of her stomach as she remembered saying something so similar to him after the JAGathon.

" _So where does that leave us?"_  
 _"I don't know, Mac, at the end I guess."_

"I hope it doesn't leave us at the end."

"I don't want it to be the end, either," he replied instantly, "but this can't keep going on like this."

He hoped it would open a path for an honest and frank conversation, but it did the exact opposite.

"I can't do this today. Not today. I can't. Not now, Harm."

He pursed his lips together and then he stood up from the floor. "Fine."

Mac stood to her feet as well and walked out of the closest. Harm trailed close behind. "I just want to be sad today...and angry. Audrey may have been stillborn, but she was _still born_ to me. She may not have taken a breath or had her heart beat in the outside world, but she grew inside of _me._ I felt her move. She was alive to me. She existed. She was my baby. She _is_ my baby."

"She was _our_ baby, Mac," he spat back more angerly than he should have, but grief had a way making all rational thought disappear. "I loved her, too. I still love her – I'll always love her."

"But it's different for you...for men...for fathers! You only got to hold her...to feel her...a-after she was already gone. I knew what it felt like for her to be alive and then in an instant she was gone – it was like she was erased from existence and only I have memories of her being little butterfly movements you could feel under your palm were so different than what I felt." She couldn't hold the tears back any longer, and they ran down her cheeks silently.

This time Harm did reach out to brush them away, but before he had a chance to, Mac turned away quickly.

"Please just leave me alone." She said as she entered the bathroom and slammed the door behind her leaving Harm alone and even more confused than before in the middle of the bedroom.

On the other side of the door, Mac turned on the water in the shower to drown on the sounds of her sobs as she sat on the floor against the door and curled into a ball.

Every day she felt like she was drowning.

She thought back to the tote bag in her closet – the one that she used to keep a secret stash of pregnancy tests in – the one that was a mere foot or so away from Harm when they were sitting on the closet floor.

It didn't hide pregnancy tests anymore. This time it was hiding a bottle of vodka, a sealed, unopened bottle, but a bottle nonetheless.

If Harm didn't come in when he did, she probably would have opened it. She was planning on drinking it while he was at work. The alcohol worked to make her numb before, and all she wanted now was for this empty feeling inside of her to go away.

She would rather be numb than empty.


	14. Chapter 13

If you are still sticking with me on this journey, THANK YOU! I know it's tough and not how we would like to see Harm and Mac, but sometimes things get worse before they get better.

* * *

Rabb Residence  
August 8, 2010

"Daddy, I thought you said it was Sunday," Caroline said as Harm pulled the SUV into the driveway and put the car in park before turning off the ignition.

"It is Sunday, Itsy-Bitsy."

"So why do you haves to go to work? We were 'sposed to go to see the airpanes after breakfast," she pouted.

Harm got out of the vehicle, opened the back-passenger door and began to unbuckle Caroline from her car seat. "I know you were really looking forward to going to see the airplanes, but there was a big case that came up at work and they need daddy's help. I'm sorry."

"That makes me sad," Caroline said after Harm lifted her out of the car and set her on her feet.

"It makes me sad, too. There's nothing I would rather do than spend the whole entire day with you."

"And Mommy?"

"And Mommy."

"Then stay home with us! We can watch Tinker Bell! And have snacks! Or we can go see the airpanes!"

Harm smiled at Caroline's enthusiasm. "I wish I could, Itsy-Bitsy, but I need to go to work," he said sadly. Daddy's job is like that sometimes. Sometimes, I have to go to work really early in the morning, and sometimes I have to stay at my office until really late at night. Then, there are other times when I have to go really far away for a while."

"That's when I get to use Mommy's phone and talk to your picture, right?"

"Right," Harm confirmed. "We video chat when I am far away."

"That makes me sad," she frowned. "Cause then I can't hug you."

"It makes me sad, too, but do you know what makes me happy?"

"What?" Caroline asked, wide eyed and full of wonder.

"When I come home from work and I get to see you and Mommy and I get the best hugs in the whole entire world."

"Oh, wow. My hugs make you happy?!"

"Your hugs make me and Mommy _so_ happy."

"I haves to go give Mommy a hug now. I want her to be happy."

Harm smiled sadly. "Me, too, Itsy-Bitsy." Caroline started to run towards the front door. "Wait a second, did you forget something?" he called out to her.

Caroline turned around and saw that her dad was holding up the brown paper bag from the bakery. "Oh!" She trotted back over and retrieved the bag from her dad. "Now, I am ready," she declared as she ran inside with Harm trailing close behind.

"Momma!" Caroline screamed. "Where are you?"

At the sound of her daughter's voice, Mac rushed down the stairs and met Caroline and Harm in the foyer.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked, panicked. "Is everything okay?" she kneeled in front of Caroline so she was at her level and studied her from head to toe. She quickly glanced up at Harm and realized he had a very faint trace of a smile across his face and her fear began to dissipate.

Caroline lunged forward and threw her arms around her mother's neck.

Mac smiled and inhaled the scent of the child's shampoo. "What's that for?" she asked.

"Daddy said that my hugs make you guys happy."

"Oh, they do." Mac closed her eyes and pulled Caroline closer. "Your hugs are the best."

"I got you something, Mommy! Look! I got it all by myself!" Caroline held the brown paper bag in front of her mother's face. "Well, I don't have money, so Daddy paid for it. But I picked it out and carried it all by myself!"

"You're such a big girl," Mac commented as she took the brown paper bag and peered inside. "Oh, a blueberry muffin. That's my favorite kind. Thank you, sweetheart." Mac kissed Caroline's cheek. "That was so thoughtful."

Caroline beamed with delight. "She likes it, Daddy!"

"I told you she would," Harm smiled.

Mac handed the bag back to Caroline. "Why don't you take that into the kitchen. I'll be right there. We can share the muffin."

"Okay, Momma."

When Caroline was out of earshot, Mac turned to Harm. "I thought you guys were going to the Air and Space Museum?"

"I got called into work."

"Oh. A day in the office or will you have a TAD?" she asked. Harm basically had a 9 to 5 job at the Pentagon, so for him to be called in on a weekend was very unusual and could mean just about anything.

"I'm not sure. I'll text you as soon as I have a better idea. I don't even know what is going on yet."

"Okay."

"I'm just going to go change into my uniform, say bye to Caroline and then I have to leave." For a brief moment, Harm thought they were getting back into their old routine – they were having a semi-normal conversation – but Mac's arms being crossed over her chest reminded him still how closed off they were from each other.

Mac didn't say anything else to him. Instead, she turned and began to walk towards the kitchen. "I'm coming, Caroline."

* * *

Several hours later, after a fun filled morning of blueberry muffins and a game of dress up, Caroline asked if they could watch Tinker Bell.

"I think that would be a wonderful idea," Mac said. She loved spending time with Caroline but she was still grieving and sometimes it could be overwhelming. Today happened to be one of those days. "Go get the DVD and I'll be right there to put it on, okay?" The movie would be a welcomed distraction and would keep Caroline entertained for at least an hour or so.

Caroline nodded. "Okay," she said before running off to the family room.

A few minutes later, Mac entered the room with a bowl of pretzels and a juice box for Caroline. "Okay, honey. Here's your snack for the movie."

"Yummy!"

Mac saw the DVD sitting on the ottoman. "Good job," she said as she opened it and went to put it in the DVD player. When she turned around, she saw that Caroline was holding two baby dolls.

"Here, Momma," Caroline reached out and held one of the dolls out to her mother. "My babies wanna watch Tinker Bell, too."

Mac stared at Caroline, unable to reach for the doll and unable to say anything.

"Mommy, she's crying. You have to hold her. Mommies hold babies when they cry."

Mac was still frozen in place, recalling how Audrey never cried and how she only held her small, tiny lifeless body that was not much smaller than the baby doll Caroline was holding out to her.

Mac swallowed, and then took a deep breath before taking the doll from Caroline.

"She likes you, Mommy. She's not crying anymore."

"That's...good," Mac answered absentmindedly as they sat down on the couch.

For the first twenty minutes of the movie, Mac and Caroline sat next to each other on the couch, each holding a doll. When Mac realized Caroline was completely focused on the movie, she slipped away from her spot on the couch and left the baby doll in her place.

Almost in a trance like state, Mac went upstairs and retrieved the bottle of vodka from the tote bag in her closet. She then sat at the kitchen table with the vodka and an empty glass in front of her.

She sighed and broke the seal on the bottle.

She should have been watching Tinker Bell with Caroline today and holding Audrey – a real, live baby – not some toy baby doll. If she closed her eyes, she could picture Caroline leaning over and giving the baby a kiss as she declared how much she loved her sister. She could imagine Harm coming home and finding the three of them on the couch. He would smile his classic flyboy grin – oh how she missed that smile, she thought – and make some comment about how coming home to them was his favorite part of the day and then he would kiss her.

 _That_ is how her life should be today.

With trembling hands, she poured the vodka into the glass and stared at it for a long time. She thought about how long it had been since Harm had kissed her and how much she missed it. She knew it was her fault that he stopped trying. She knew that she pulled away and avoided his touch so much that it hurt him and he eventually just gave up. She knew the road worked both ways and that she could make an attempt to reconcile what was missing, but the simple truth was, she didn't know how.

She was different now, not just because she lost a child, but also because of the hysterectomy, or at least that is how it felt to her. So much changed at once and as a result, she panicked and kept pushing away the one person who had always been there for her – just like she did after she was diagnosed with endometriosis in the first place. And why? Why did she feel the need to keep pushing him away? She didn't even know anymore...at some point it just became their new normal. They both reverted back to their old ways of running and ignoring their problems...maybe they didn't mature as much as she thought they had over the years.

She brought the glass to her lips, but paused to inhale the almost nonexistent scent. Caroline's beautiful laugh traveled through the kitchen and Mac set the glass back down on the table before even taking a sip.

What was she doing? She wondered. Why did she even buy this in the first place? She knew she shouldn't have, but she bought it weeks ago when she was feeling particularly depressed. Caroline had been at daycare so Mac was alone with her thoughts all day long. She decided to burn off some of the stress by going for a run. She pushed herself more than she ever had before and ran until she was completely exhausted. Panting, she returned to her car and that was when she noticed it – a liquor store right across the street.

The liquor store wasn't there years ago when she and Harm used to run the trails. She would have remembered. Before she knew it, she was across the street purchasing a bottle of vodka.

By the time she returned home – after driving around aimlessly for hours, contemplating what she had just bought – she didn't open the bottle. She knew Harm and Caroline would be home soon. So instead, she hid the brown bag in the tote bag in her closet and that was where it had stayed.

Until today of course.

She picked up the glass again, but like last time, she could hear Caroline's laughter followed by "Tinker Bell is so silly."

Mac slammed the glass down on the table and flinched when a drop splashed out and landed on the table. What was she doing? She was a mean drunk – Harm told her that himself. She couldn't do that to Caroline. She _wouldn't_ do that to Caroline.

Caroline deserved better.

Harm deserved better.

She deserved better.

She closed her eyes and could remember showing up at JAG drunk like it was yesterday. She remembered how upset Harm was...and they weren't even _that_ close then. If she did this now, she would lose him forever.

Granted, there were days recently where she did feel like she lost him already, but falling off the wagon would put the nail in the coffin.

Mac stood up from the table, picked up the glass and the bottle and poured them both down the drain.

Feeling numb wouldn't be worth it, she determined, not if it caused her to lose any chance she ever had at feeling happiness again. She hated the part of her that drank...she hated who she was when she drank.

"Stupid," she mumbled as finished rinsing out the bottle. "What were you thinking?"


	15. Chapter 14

I'm loving all your thoughtful reviews! I'm pretty sure we only have three more chapters left after this one.

* * *

Rabb Residence  
August 8, 2010

The doorbell startled her when it rang. She wasn't expecting anyone, and quickly dried her hands before going to answer the doorbell – leaving the empty vodka bottle in the sink – with a mental note to throw it in the outside trash can before Harm returned home.

It was probably just someone trying get signatures for a petition or someone selling something at the door anyway. It would only take a minute.

Mac opened the front door and was shocked to come face to face with Harriet.

"Harriet...hi," she said, surprised.

"Hi, Mac. Hope I'm not intruding," she said as she stepped into the house.

"N-no, not at all."

"Everything okay?" Harriet asked. It wasn't like Mac to stammer.

"Yeah. Everything is fine. What brings you by?"

"Well, I got a little carried away tonight when I was cooking dinner. AJ and Jimmy are away at camp and I made too much food," she said gesturing to the reusable shopping bag at her feet. "So, I thought I'd swing by and drop off dinner. It's lasagna, and salad, and garlic bread." She smiled and picked up the bag.

"That's so sweet, Harriet. Thank you. Go say hi to Caroline and I'll go put this away." Mac said as she attempted to reach for the bag.

"Don't be silly," Harriet could hear Tinker Bell coming from the television set in the other room. "Go finish watching your movie. I didn't mean to interrupt." She said as she brushed past Mac and headed for the kitchen. "I'll put this away and then I'll be on my way.'

"Harriet..."

But it was too late. Harriet was already in the kitchen, and Mac knew for sure that she would notice the bottle in the kitchen sink.

Mac followed Harriet into the kitchen and watched as she put the food away in the fridge. If she noticed the empty bottle in the sink, she didn't say a word.

"There. All set," Harriet said as she closed the refrigerator. "Mind if I use the bathroom?"

"Not at all, you know the way."

"Thanks."

When Harriet was in the bathroom, Mac took the empty bottle and disposed of it in the trash can in the garage. When she came back into the house and passed the closed door to the bathroom, she could hear Harriet talking on the phone.

* * *

"I'm still not sure why the Secretary of Defense had us all called in today," Harm said to the general sitting beside him. "The airstrike in Bosnia was well within the law."

"I agree," the other man said. "This isn't about policy. This has been a royal waste of everyone's time."

Harm's phone rang, and he flipped it over to see that Harriet's name was lighting up the screen. "Hey, Harriet, now isn't really a good time. I was called into the office. Can I call you back?"

" _Actually, I'd rather you not. This is important."_

Immediately, his expression changed. "What's wrong?"

" _I'm at your house,"_ she began.

"Harriet..." He didn't like her tone. His palms became sweaty, his heart dropped to his stomach, and he had to remind himself to breathe.

" _I came to drop off dinner, and I saw an empty bottle of vodka in the sink,"_ she blurted out in a rush.

"You what?!" he exclaimed. He didn't know what he was expecting her to say, but he didn't think that would have even been on his radar.

Harm's outburst caused the general sitting next to him to jump a bit in his seat.

Harm stood up from the conference table and moved to stand in an empty corner of the room. "Is Mac drunk?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper.

" _I don't think so. She seems perfectly fine...nothing like when she fell off the wagon years ago."_

"Did you say anything to her about it?"

" _No, quite the opposite. I acted like I didn't even see it. I didn't think I should be the one to say something."_

"And you are sure the bottle is empty?"

" _Yes."_

He sighed heavily and scrubbed his hand over his face. An empty bottle can mean one of two things – either she drank it or she emptied down the sink, and with the way things have been lately, he was afraid she drank it. "Can you do me a favor and hang around there until I get home? You know...just in case. I'll be home as soon as I can. Make up whatever excuse you have to. I need to come up with a way to handle this."

" _Of course, Harm."_

"Thanks, Harriet. I'll see you soon."

Harm ended the call on his phone and went back over to the conference table.

"Is everything okay?" The general asked.

"Actually, no. I have a personal emergency that I need to take care of."

"I'll cover you," the older man said instantly. "There isn't anything else you can do here anyways." The general had much respect for the younger admiral – even though he was a squid and not a Marine. He knew all about the trials and tribulations he had in his career and the man was one hell of an officer. Plus, he was married to a retired Marine, so obviously Rabb had good taste in women, the general would often joke with his colleagues.

"Thanks. I'll owe you one."

The general shook his head from side to side. "Don't worry about it." He knew that a few months ago, Rabb and his wife lost a baby girl, and that was something no parent should ever have to experience. He'd do anything to help the admiral out, and a small part of him couldn't help but to wonder if the personal emergency had something to do with that. Mrs. Rabb used to meet the admiral for lunch at least twice a week, but the general realized, she hasn't made an appearance at the Pentagon since late April. Office scuttlebutt was that the admiral and his wife were separated, but the general had no way of knowing if that was fact or fiction. Admiral Rabb never spoke much of his personal life at work, pictures of his wife and daughter were still in his office and one day a week he knew that he dropped his daughter off at the Pentagon daycare center. What was going on behind their closed doors was anyone's guess.

A few minutes later, Harm was out of the Pentagon and navigating his Cheverolet Tahoe through the streets of DC back towards Alexandria as he attempted to control his anger.

He thought back on the last few months and wondered if Mac had been drinking all along and if he had missed all the signs. Could he have mistaken all the clues of her drinking for grief? She was irritable, she was moody, she was closed off and distant – she would barely look him in the eye most of the time - and he couldn't even remember the last time he kissed her. Did she keep pulling away because she didn't want him to smell the odor of alcohol?

He would never forgive himself if the signs were there all along and he missed them.

He took three calm breaths and counted to ten before he entered his house. "Hey, where is everyone? I'm home." He called as he walked through the foyer, set his cover, briefcase and keys on the table, and then continued on into the family room.

Mac, Harriet and Caroline were all sitting on the floor playing what appeared to be a very riveting game of Hi-Ho Cherry-O.

When she heard her father's voice, Caroline quickly jumped up and ran to give him a hug. "Is this your favorite part of the day?" she asked.

"Absolutely," he answered as he picked her up and kissed her forehead. "Absolutely."

"Well," Harriet began as she finished helping Mac put the game away. "Thanks for letting me play a game with you guys. It's been while since I played Hi-Ho Cherry – O. You know," Harriet began. "If you two ever want...or need a night out...I'd love to come over and play Hi-Ho Cherry-O with Caroline _anytime_."

"That's nice, Harriet. Thank you," Harm said. He knew Harriet knew how strained things had been lately and with the new knowledge that Mac may have been drinking again, he knew this was her subtle way of saying she would take care of Caroline if they had some issues to take care of.

"Thanks again for dinner, Harriet," Mac said. "That was very thoughtful."

Harm placed Caroline back on her feet. "Why don't you go help Mommy set the table while I say bye to Aunt Harriet. Do you think you can do that?" he asked.

"Yes, sir!" She giggled. "I'm a good helper."

Harriet and Harm watched Mac and Caroline enter the kitchen before they turned around and made their way down the foyer. "How was she?" Harm whispered. "Mac, I mean."

"She seemed fine. I didn't pick up on any signs of intoxication. She didn't slur or stumble. She seemed perfectly fine."

Harm nodded. "That's good, right?"

Harriet shrugged. "I hope so. You need to talk to her," she reminded him when they stepped on to the front porch and closed the door behind them. "Um, after I called you...when I went back to the kitchen...the bottle was gone. She must have thrown it out."

Harm nodded, making a mental note to look in the trash can and the rest of the house to see if he would find any more bottles of alcohol.

"Call us if you need anything," Harriet said as she opened the door and climbed into her minivan. "We're here for you guys. I'll watch Caroline anytime."

"Thanks, Harriet. It means a lot."

"You guys will get back on track, I know it," she assured him. "You two are unstoppable together," she added before she closed the door to her van and backed out of the driveway.

Harm returned inside and went to the kitchen. "How much time do I have before dinner?" he asked, distractedly.

"I, uh, just put the lasagna in the oven. Harriet said it takes 40 minutes to bake."

He nodded. "Well, I'm going to go take a shower and change. I'll be down by then."

"Okay," Mac replied, puzzled by Harm's behavior. She knew Harriet called him...she had heard Harriet on the phone, after all. She was expecting Harm to be furious when he came home, but instead, he was eerily calm, and Mac didn't know if that should concern her more.

Because maybe if he was so calm it was because he stopped caring.

And that would completely destroy her.


	16. Chapter 15

As always, thanks to each and every one of you who read and reviewed. I appreciate it so much.

* * *

Rabb Residence  
August 8, 2010

When Harm went upstairs, he didn't shower. He put his investigatory skills to good use and scoured every square inch of that floor of the house – he looked in closets, dressers, purses, suitcases and even Caroline's toy box. He cleared each room in record time, and found no traces of alcohol in any of the bedrooms, bathrooms, or linen closets.

After his search of the upstairs, he decided to go back downstairs and search some of that area before actually changing and taking a shower. When he came down the stairs, he noticed Mac and Caroline were sitting at the island coloring in the kitchen. He decided to avoid that room for now and focus his efforts on the family room, living room, dining room, office and guest bathroom. He was relieved to discover that once again, he had found no traces of alcohol in any of those locations.

He took a deep breath as he decided to cut through the kitchen so he could search the laundry room next, knowing that crossing paths with Mac was going to be inevitable.

"I thought you were going to take a shower," Mac said when he passed through the kitchen on the way to the laundry room.

"I spilled some coffee on my uniform," he lied. "I just wanted to get some spot cleaner on it before it goes out to the cleaner's."

"Oh." She knew he was lying. She knew he was looking for any alcohol she may have hidden. She could hear him rummaging through the cabinets. "The spot treatment is in the third cupboard from the left," she called. "Like always. Are you sure you aren't looking for something else," she baited him, with her head still down focusing on the picture she was coloring with Caroline.

"Just forgot where it was," he called back. "I haven't used it in a while."

"Did you find anything else?" she baited again.

In that moment, he knew that Mac knew what he was doing, and he came back into the kitchen. "No. Should I have?" This time, he attempted to bait her, his arms crossed against his chest, and raised an eyebrow.

"No," she replied, as she lifted her head and looked him in the eye.

He nodded. "I see."

They stared at each other for a long minute, each one unsure of what to say or do. Finally, Mac spoke again. "There's only seven minutes until the lasagna is done," she said after noticing the timer on the stove. "You didn't shower or change yet."

"I guess I should go do that."

"Yeah, I guess so."

After dinner, Mac took Caroline upstairs to give her a bath and get her ready for bed while Harm used that time to continue his search of the house. He continued checking the basement, the kitchen, the garage and Mac's car – even going as far to check the attic and the shed in the backyard. The only trace of alcohol he found was an empty bottle of vodka in the trash can in the garage. It wasn't even buried in the trash – it was just sitting right there on top – like she didn't even want to hide it.

Harm couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He walked back into the house and was surprised to see Mac was in the kitchen.

"Is Caroline asleep already?" he asked. "I was going to go up and tuck her in."

"She's out like a light," Mac replied. "We didn't even finish reading all of _Guess How Much I Love You_."

"Well, she did have a long day," Harm said. "We left for breakfast pretty early."

They continued cleaning the kitchen for the next ten minutes in an awkward silence before they spoke again at the same time.

"Harm..."  
"Mac..."

"Go on," Harm said as he walked over to the refrigerator and took out two bottles of water. "Here," he handed one to Mac and leaned against the counter top as he opened his bottle.

Mac took the water bottle and sat at the opposite side of the island. She tapped her pointer finger against the cap of the bottle as she tried to gather her thoughts. "I didn't drink today," she finally said as she brought her gaze up to meet his. "I haven't before, either…not since that whole fiasco at JAG." She looked him directly in the eyes as she spoke. "I wouldn't lie to you about this, Harm. I swear I am telling you the truth."

He could tell by her voice that she wasn't lying, and instantly it felt like a weight had lifted from him. "I'm glad you didn't drink."

"I know Harriet told you she saw an empty vodka bottle when she came to drop off dinner. I heard her call you, and I know that's why you came home when you did and why she stuck around to play board games with Caroline. I also know that's why you were raiding the laundry room for a spot cleaner that you didn't even need. I knew what you were doing in there – and probably in every other room in this house, too – you were looking to see if I hid alcohol anywhere."

"I had to check, Mac."

"I know," she said simply before taking a long sip from her water bottle. She would have done the same had the situation been reversed. "I've thought about it a lot lately. More than I ever have before…Today was the closest I ever came, though. The only other time that I even came remotely close to drinking was the day you found me in the closet with all my shoes. I was in a really bad place that day, but I didn't drink that day...because of you. You spent that day at home, and it didn't _prevent_ me from drinking, it _stopped_ me from drinking. Hell, I can't even explain how or why..." she trailed off.

"When did you get the alcohol, Mac?" He needed to know.

She took another long sip of water. "About four weeks ago...when Caroline was at daycare. I went for a run at Rock Creek Park...you know...those trails we used to run when we were partners...well, there's a liquor store across the street from there now...and one thing lead to another and I bought one bottle of vodka. The bottle that I'm sure you found in the trash can."

"I need you to understand something, Mac, okay? I really need you to listen to what I am going to say." She nodded and Harm continued. His voice was firm, but compassionate. "I would have been upset and disappointed," he answered truthfully, "hell, I would have been angry, too – especially because Caroline was with you – but I would not have loved you any less, Mac. Do you understand that? I would not have loved you any less... _nothing_ could make me love you less."

A part of him did wonder if that would be the case if Caroline would have gotten hurt, but a larger part of him couldn't even focus on those "what-ifs" at the moment. One battle at time, he reminded himself. Right now, Caroline was safe and asleep upstairs in her bedroom, and his wife was sitting across from him admitting that she almost drank. That was the battle they had to face tonight, he told himself.

She bit her bottom lip and nodded, relieved that he knew about what she almost did. Her voice broke as she continued. "Caroline is the one thing that was holding me back today. I'm a mean drunk, you said it yourself, and if I drank with her in my presence that puts everything on the same level as my father. I spent too much of my life running from my father and my past to end up just like him."

"Mac..."

Mac continued, without letting him say anything else. "I did open the bottle today and I even went as far as pouring some in a glass," she admitted. "I brought it to my lips, I inhaled the scent, but I didn't go any further than that. I could hear Caroline laugh when she was watching Tinker Bell. It was that beautiful laugh of hers. She saved me from myself today and I poured it _all_ down the drain before Harriet even rang the doorbell. Drinking wouldn't have solved any of my problems, it only would have made more."

"First, you are not your father, Mac." He said firmly – the fact that she stopped before she even drank confirmed that for him in more ways than he could explain "I am proud of you for recognizing drinking wouldn't have solved the issues we have, Mac. That is a huge accomplishment."

"I don't know about that."

"It is, Mac, don't doubt yourself."

She resisted the urge to scoff. She doubted herself a lot lately, but she didn't want to get into that now. Everything was beginning to close in on her and she didn't want to have this conversation anymore. "Umm, I did some checking after I put Caroline to bed. You know that church over on Hudson and 12th?" When he nodded, she continued. "There's an AA meeting that starts there in about a half hour. If I leave now, I'll make it."

Harm nodded again. "We can have Harriet come stay with Caroline, and I can drive you if you'd like," he offered. He wanted to help, but he honestly had no idea how.

Mac shook her head. "No, you stay with Caroline. I have to do this one on my own, Harm. I hope you can understand."

"Okay," he nodded. "I'll see you when get back."

She slipped on her tennis shoes that were sitting by the door to the garage and reached for her car keys and purse off of the hook on the wall. "See you soon," she said softly before slipping the door and letting it close behind her with a soft thud.

Harm sighed heavily as he made his way down the hall to his office, stopping briefly in the living room to look at some of the pictures that were sitting on the mantel of the fireplace.

He smiled as he picked up the first one. He was in is mess dress uniform and Mac was wearing a beautiful navy colored gown. If he recalled correctly, the picture was taken right before they left to go to the Sudanese Embassy reception all the years ago. He couldn't remember who took the picture, or what they were saying to each other, but he marveled at how even way back then they looked like a couple. He had his arm around her waist, she had her hand on his chest and they were laughing. Whoever took the picture, captured a truly raw, uncensored moment between them.

When he set that frame down, he picked up the next one – their wedding picture. He never told Mac about his fortune cookie induced daydream where he imagined they were married, but their _actual_ wedding picture resembled the one in his daydream so much that it was unsettling. That was such an amazing day, he recalled. Luckily, their marriage had been better than the one he imagined, and hopefully they could get past the rut they were in now so they wouldn't end up like they almost did in his fantasy world.

He returned that picture and then picked up the next one. His smile grew even wider as he studied it. It was a photo of him, Mac, and Caroline taken on the Fourth of July at Bud and Harriet's. Caroline wasn't even two yet. She was wearing white, star shaped sunglasses, a patriotic headband, and a navy-blue baby jumper with white stars. She was looking directly at the camera, and he and Mac were both looking at Caroline with matching smiles on their faces. Life was so great then, being parents to Caroline was the greatest thing that ever happened to them as a couple and they were in the process of preparing to move back to DC very soon after. Everything was falling into place even better than it had before, but now he realized it was only the calm before the storm. He set that picture frame down as well and continued on into his office, shaking his head as he went.

He thought about how the progression of each photo on the mantel. So much had changed between each one, and it made him realize how much they had changed and grown together over the years. They were blissfully happy in those photos, and then his brain reminded him that they would never have a picture of Audrey to add to the mantel – that there would never be a family photo of the four of them. Another part of him wondered if they would ever even able to look happy in a photo ever again.

Hopefully whatever stalemate he and Mac were in was starting to break.

"One battle at a time," he reminded himself as sat down at his desk and began to work. "One battle at a time."

As he picked up his pen and began to work, an H.G. Wells quote popped into his head - " _If we don't end war, war will end us."_

"We're gonna win this war, Mac," he said aloud to the empty room. "I'm not sure how, but we're gonna win."


	17. Chapter 16

This chapter is longer than the last few, so I hope I don't lose your attention. There wasn't a good place to break this one up at, IMO. And as always, thanks for your beautiful feedback with each chapter. One more chapter after this.

* * *

Rabb Residence  
August 8, 2010

Later that night, Mac returned from her meeting and found Harm in the office. He was talking on his cellphone and had his head down looking at some paperwork on his desk. She stood there for a few minutes just watching unsure about whether or not she should interrupt him.

"Hang on a sec, Mattie," Harm said when he noticed Mac was standing there. He covered the speaker of his phone with one hand. "Hey, how was your meeting?" he asked.

"It was," she paused, struggling to find the right words. "Necessary," she finally said. "I know I need to go more frequently right now."

He nodded slowly, focusing on her intently.

"Well, I didn't mean to interrupt," she said awkwardly, as she turned to walk away. She was still unsure of where they were with each other.

"You aren't an interruption, Mac." His voice was calm and sincere. He hurt her too much before in the past when he was "unavailable" when she needed him – when she wanted to talk about her ex-husband, Bobbi Latham had been at his apartment, when he begged her to come to him after Mic left, Renee showed up because her father died, and when she finally came to talk to him after Paraguay, Professor Montes had been there. He never wanted to cause her that type of anguish. He hated that he did before and wished that he could turn back the clock.

"Finish talking to Mattie," she urged. "I know she's probably a little homesick since she hasn't been able to visit this summer. It'll help her."

"Mac..."

"It's okay, Harm. Really. I'm going upstairs anyways."

That time, she walked away, leaving one very confused Harmon Rabb at his desk.

* * *

Mac could hear Harm finally come upstairs just before midnight. For a minute, she thought that he would pop his head in to check on her and say good night, but he didn't, and Mac didn't know what to make of that.

Granted, the lights were off and the door was closed, but surely, he would have known that she wasn't going to be asleep.

Disappointed, she tossed and turned for the next two hours replaying recent events over and over in her mind. Every train of thought lead her back to one thing, she hated that she pushed him away, and she knew she had to be the one to make amends first.

Dealing with her emotions had always been complicated for her and no matter how many years have passed, she still managed to hurt the people she loved. Unfortunately, over the past fourteen years, it seemed that she always took it out on Harm. She didn't like that. She didn't like treating him like that and she was going to work on making sure she wouldn't treat him like that again.

This ends now, she decided as she swung her legs out of bed, threw on a lightweight robe to ward off the chill of the air conditioner, and marched to the guest room where Ham was most likely sleeping.

Mac opened the door and saw that Harm was in fact sleeping. She carefully tip-toed into the room, removed her robe and placed it on the on the chair before crawling into bed beside him.

"Mac?" Harm questioned when he felt the weight shift on the bed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she whispered into the darkness. "I just wanted to be close to you."

"Okay," he answered sleepily, his heart beating quickly. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and give her a million kisses, but he knew he couldn't. He knew Mac had to call the shots, just like all those years ago at the admirals dining out and after her accident. It had to be on her terms. He rolled over to lay on his back and stare into the darkness.

"I've been pushing you away again."

"Yeah," he agreed, trying to keep his tone even.

"I'm sorry."

"I know that you were trying to deal with things in your own way…by yourself…and I understand that, but I wish you would talk to me, too. I am here for you...however it is that you need me to be or want me to be. I just don't know _how_ to do that when we can't seem to communicate. And I'm guilty, too," he admitted. "I should have tried better, but I didn't know how. We're a team, Mac."

He sounded hurt and she couldn't blame him. "We do our best work together," she repeated his words from so long ago.

"Always," he agreed.

"Do you know what I was thinking about before I came in here just now?"

"What?" he asked.

"I was thinking about how were when you come home after Harriet told you she saw the bottle of alcohol. I don't like that you didn't ask about it and confront me about it at point blank. It means we're just being polite with each other. I don't want to be polite...I don't want to just coexist with you. I want us to be _us_ again. I want us to challenge each other again and call each other out on their bullshit like we used to. I was expecting you to be furious when you came home, and instead, you didn't even address the issue directly for several hours. It made me think that I pushed you away – too far this time – and that you stopped caring."

The desire to touch her was overwhelming and he gently grazed his pinky finger over hers. He was pleasantly surprised when she entwined her fingers with his instead of pulling away. "I didn't stop caring, Mac. I just panicked. I was afraid that if I pushed too much and accused you of drinking when you didn't it would cause you to drink. And...and I was mad at myself, because if you _were_ drinking, I was mad that I missed all the signs. I was blindsided when Harriet called me. I couldn't help but to wonder if I mistook the signs of drinking for the signs of grief."

"You were right all those years ago when you said I needed to come with operating instructions. I can't keep saying one thing to you and expecting you to be able to read my mind and know if I actually meant that or if I meant something else. I told you the night we got engaged that woman aren't minders, and sometimes I forget that goes both ways. I shouldn't expect you to be a mind reader either. It's not fair to you."

"I love you more than I have ever loved any woman in my entire life, but for some reason I've always struggled with how to find the right words when it comes to you in personal matters. I think it's because of how much I love you and how afraid I am of messing something up and losing you." He paused for a second. "We'll figure this out, Mac," he assured her.

"I know...and you won't lose me." She assured him.

He couldn't take it any longer and had to voice the question he had ever since she said drinking wouldn't solve her problems, it would only cause more. "Earlier you said that drinking wouldn't solve your problems, it would only cause more," he began. "Can we talk about that, Mac? What those problems were?" he questioned, trying to dig deeper.

She scoffed. "Where do I begin? Insomnia, guilt, nightmares about trying to save Audrey but I run out of time, and we haven't been getting along well lately ever since I practically kicked you out of our bedroom. Things just sort of snowballed. I felt isolated, like I had no one to talk to."

"You can always talk to me."

"I know, but that was part of the problem. For a while there, I felt like a failure as a wife and as a mother. I felt like I let you down. I felt like I failed you...Things like that are usually what women talk to their best friends about, but you are my best friend and have been for almost fourteen years. Sometimes it is hard for me to talk about those things with _my husband_."

"What about Harriet?" he wondered.

"She would have understood some of the situation, but we were never super close and it didn't feel right to me. When Baby Sarah died, she turned to you for help and support...she never came to me that way. So, in a way, it just didn't feel right for me to go to her with all this...stuff...I had going on inside my head. I'm glad she was able to help you though the same way you helped her. You guys share a bond that Harriet and I don't have."

He mentally kicked himself for never realizing before that Mac had number of acquaintances, but hardly any friends that she was close to. "Maybe a professional can help?" He suggested, tentatively.

"Vera McCool as a private practice near Bethesda now, I'll see if she will be able to see me. I liked her and I think she'll be able to help me."

"Good for you, Ninja Girl."

She smiled. "I like when you call me that," she said softly. "It's been awhile." She snuggled closer to him.

"Too long."

"I was also thinking we can take Harriet up on her offer to babysit, so we can go out. Just the two of us -on a date," she clarified as she gave his hand a squeeze.

"And what exactly did you have in mind, Mrs. Rabb?"

"Dinner and dancing. How does that sound?"

"Wonderful," he answered softly. "There is nothing I would like more than to hold you in my arms again."

The was a brief pause before Mac spoke again. "Harm?"

"Hmm?"

"You don't have to wait until we dance to hold me."

"Come here, Sarah," he tugged her gently and in one swift motion she was on top of him.

Mac pressed her head against his chest and found comfort in the beating of his heart. This was coming home for her. This made her feel like they could be okay. The world suddenly seemed less scary. "I want to go back to work," came her muffled voice. "I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I need to do this."

"I'm surprised you waited this long," her rubbed circles around her back in a comforting motion.

"Really? You aren't mad?" She seemed surprised.

"Absolutely not." He replied without missing a beat. "I'm not a caveman, Mac. Just because you are a wife and a mother doesn't mean you have to give up something you love. I guess I just kind of assumed that you would have decided to go back to work once we moved stateside again...especially since you were really good about keeping your law license current."

"I have a little bit of mom guilt about it though...about going back to work," she clarified.

"What do you mean?"

"Does it make me a horrible mother that I want to go to work and not spend every moment of the day with Caroline? What kind of mother does that make me?" She sniffled.

"A very good mother," Harm assured her. "What Caroline needs is a mother who is happy. I couldn't think of a better role model for our daughter than you. You're strong, independent, and intelligent. It's not the 1950's anymore. You can be a wife and mother and have your own career, too. You can show Caroline that you can have it all. It _is_ possible."

"Who will take your uniforms to the cleaners?" She sniffled, again.

He didn't know if she was being serious or if it was her attempt at humor, but Harm couldn't help it, and he had to laugh. "I took my uniforms to the cleaners on my own for over a decade before. I think I can manage that again."

His attempt at humor worked. "You won't get lost?" She teased, their comfortable banter returning.

"I happen to have a very good sense of direction, mind you."

"I know," she allowed herself to smile again.

"So, what type of work are you thinking about perusing this time around?"

"I'm not completely sure. I want to stick with the law, I know that much. I think I may want my focus to be on family law this time around. If there was anything I learned from our cases with children and Mattie and Chloe, it's that all too often children get lost in the mix of things - especially in custody battles. They need someone to help give them their voice. I can help do that if I get the guardian ad-litem certification."

"You'll excel in whatever you decide. Personally, I think family law would be a good fit for you."

"And I think I may know a good attorney who would help me brush up on some case law...if he has the time, I mean."

"Oh, he'll make the time.," his voice low and honest. "What made you decide now was the time?"

"It was different for me to want to stay home when there was a possibility that I could become pregnant again….it just made more sense that way. But now that I know that won't happen, I have an overwhelming desire to go back to work and find the part of my identity that feels lost…to make me feel whole again."

Harm paused for a moment, thinking about what to say next. He knew she wasn't _just_ talking about work making her feel whole. He suddenly realized they never actually talked about the hysterectomy in any depth before. "You _are_ whole."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I feel like less of a woman now," she finally allowed herself to voice to him out loud for the first time ever, her breath hot against his skin.

"You aren't," he emphasized as he pulled her even closer to him.

She bit her lip and blinked back her tears. "You need to understand something, and I don't know how to explain it, so I'm just going to ramble and hope that it makes sense to you. I was mad at the situation and I questioned how something so cruel could happen to us after everything we've been through. When I woke up and found out that not only did my baby die, but any chance I had at having another baby died, too, I had a hard time processing that. And a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding was one thing, but having oophorectomy and being forced into early menopause blindsided me. I knew the doctor talked to you about it and that you had to consent to the ovary removal...I saw it in the hospital paperwork, too. I need you to understand that I was mad at the situation, not at you, but in the scheme of things, I still took my anger out on you. You made the right decision. There was a reason I gave you my medical power of attorney long before we were ever a couple...I trust you to make those decisions on my behalf. Always."

"We lost so much that day when we lost Audrey, and I couldn't imagine losing you too. I needed you, Caroline needed you. If consenting to the oophorectomy prevented another complication and gave you even a percentage better of a survival rate, I knew my answer to the doctor had to be yes."His voice cracked with emotion and Mac felt his own tears on her skin as his arms tightened around her even more. "I would have done anything to keep you alive."

"Thank you for always being strong for me," she said softly. Harm letting his guard down was all it took for Mac to let the dam burst and her tears flow, too. It was cathartic for them to cry like that, to grieve, to mourn. It was what they needed to do _together_.

A long time later when her sobs turned into ragged gasps for air, Harm maneuvered them into an upright position. "Slow breaths," he said softy as he turned on the light on the night stand. "Deep, slow breaths," he coached. "Here," he reached for a tissue and handed her one.

In the hash fluorescent light from the lamp, Harm finally got the chance to look at Mac – to really look at her. It was the closest they have been, physically and emotionally, to one another in months, and he could see the way the stress of the whole situation impacted her features.

Her eyes looked tired, there were heavy bags under them, and her skin had lost its once radiant glow. Glancing at the clock, Harm realized it was nearly three in the morning.

"You need to get some rest, Sarah," he said softly.

Mac brought her hands to face and studied his appearance as well. The lines around his eyes were deeper than she remembered and she spotted a few more gray hairs around his side burns. Gently, she caressed his face. "So do you," she whispered.

"I'm thinking of taking a personal day and not going to the office today."

"I think that's wise." She offered the faintest trace of a smile. "We can spend all day together...take Caroline to do something really fun..." she suggested, but her tone made it sound like a question rather than a statement.

"Sounds wonderful."

Mac climbed out of bed. "I'm going try to sleep now," she said as she put on her robe and headed to the door.

Harm sat frozen, he knew they still had a lot to work on, but he would have thought that they could have for sure slept in the same bed tonight. "Uh, sleep well," he finally stammered.

Mac turned around and furrowed her brows, confused as to why he was still in bed. "I will if you join me…in _our_ bed…where we both belong."

Harm all but jumped out of bed. "You don't have to mention it twice."

They walked hand in hand down the hall and checked in on Caroline, who was sleeping peacefully, before entering their bedroom.

Mac untied her robe and let it fall to the floor. She couldn't help but to notice how intently Harm watched her movements, his eyes focusing on how her night gown hugged her body at every curve. "Harm," she began, "I know it's been so long since we made love, but I…"

He waved his hand signaling for her to stop. "I know….no pressure….whenever the time is right. I was just admiring how beautiful you are." It was the same thing he said in Paraguay, but it held such a different weight now -so much had changed since then.

His words have her goosebumps and she felt an overwhelming urge give him an explanation. "It's not that I don't want to," she began to clarify as the climbed into the king-sized bed and adjusted the covers.

"You don't have to explain anything." He mirrored her actions and climbed into bed himself. These things take time, he reminded himself. He could be patient. He would wait for her for as long as it took.

"Yes, I do."

"Okay."

She rolled onto her side so they were facing each other, and he reached out and brushed her bangs behind her ear. She took a deep breath. "It goes without saying that our sex life has always been pretty amazing…" She honestly couldn't recall a time that it hadn't been amazing for them.

"Mmhm," he continued to caress her face and gave her a wink. At first, he thought it was so amazing because they waited nine years for each other, but soon after he decided it wasn't because of the wait – they were just that perfect for each other. It was the difference between having sex and making love. With Mac, _everything_ was better.

She placed her hands over his. "…I'm afraid. I'm afraid that it won't be as good anymore…for me or for you. My libido is finally starting to come back -which is not small feat for a woman in surgical menopause – so I am thrilled about that, but then I have all this anxiety about it being different and I'm back where I started. It's like a constant vicious circle. I've been doing research and reading blogs written by other women who went through this…"

Harm was the only lover she ever had that actually cared about what her needs were, completely and truly, every single time. She didn't want him to feel like a bad husband or lover if her body betrayed her and she couldn't orgasm anymore. She didn't want him to be...disappointed. And, for as superficial as it was, her scars made her feel broken and they looked _ugly_ to her. He had seen them before – weeks and weeks ago- in a caregiver capacity, but not as a lover, and she didn't want them to be reminded of that day every time they made love, some day she would figure out how to bring up that conversation, but tonight was not that day.

"Don't research it," he cut in. "We aren't those people, Mac. We're just you and me. We can adapt in our own way and in our own time."

Her heart beat quickened, being in such close proximity _usually_ did manage to do that to her. She took his hand and placed it over her heart. "Thank you for being patient, for understanding, for never giving up." She let go of his hand and moved her hand lower down to his waist. She slipped her hand in the waistband of his pajama bottoms and reached for him, caressing gently as she went.

"Mac..." His voice was low and strained. He reached for her hand, using his thumb and pointer finger to wrap them around her wrist and still her motions. It had been _so_ long and he didn't know how long he could keep himself together in this current predicament. Besides, didn't she just say she wasn't ready?

"Oh...I am sorry. I-I..."

"Mac, look at me. Please."

Slowly, she made eye contact. She looked as if she was embarrassed – scared even - and vulnerable. Definitely vulnerable.

"It's not that I don't like what you're doing...I like that very much, but you already know that," he reminded her with that smile he reserved solely for her. "It's just..." he stumbled, trying to say what he was thinking the right way, "didn't you just say you weren't ready for that yet?" He had never been so confused in his entire life. She really did need to come with operating instructions, he thought.

"I said _I_ wasn't ready. This is about you."

"That's not fair to you."

She once recalled calling him a chauvinist pig during a fight years and years ago when they were both at JAG. And although she didn't recall all the details, she figured it must have seemed true in the moment, but in their relationship as a couple it couldn't be further from the truth. He saw her as an equal in every aspect – managing the household, making decisions about their family, and especially in the bedroom. She should have known that he wouldn't want to do anything that made him feel like he was taking advantage of her.

She was feeling bold and she didn't want to stop. She knew they needed some level of intimacy back. She knew sex wouldn't fix their problems, but she needed to bond with him that way again. She twisted herself and straddled him. She leaned forward and kissed him. In a way it reminded her of that kiss at his loft so long ago when they got engaged - it was filled with sorrow of the past and hope for the future. "I'm not ready to go all the way, but we can get creative," she said when they pulled away from each other.

He stared at her eyes, and he swore he could get lost there time and time again. "I don't want to hurt you," he admitted softy. "I don't want to hurt you. I'd never forgive myself."

So, he was just as nervous as she was. That made her feel better; comforted, actually. "Didn't you'd say we'd learn to adapt...together."

"Yes," he whispered.

"Let's adapt."

"You're positive?"

She nodded, and placed her palms flat across his chest. "Absolutely certain. I know I am not ready to do what I _really_ want, but foreplay can be just as fun...especially the way you and I do things. Remember?"

"How could I forget?" He cupped her face in his hands. "The _second_ you aren't into it anymore, we stop, Mac. No explanations necessary."

"Okay," she agreed. "I just need to be with you again...in any way I can get. I can't explain it. I just need it, Harm. I need it like the air I breathe."

"I know the feeling, Mac," he whispered back.

* * *

The next morning, Mac awoke to find herself alone in bed. She closed her eyes again and relived the memory of last night. They reconnected – mentally, emotionally, and physically – to an extent. They still had a long road ahead of them, but they were finally in sync with each other again and for time in a very long time, she didn't feel completely hopeless.

She smiled to herself as she remembered how good it felt to be touched and kissed by him again. She was right that she couldn't go all the way last night – and she prayed that the name of the lubricant her doctor recommended for women going through surgical menopause was still scrawled on a sticky note in the bottom of her purse – but she was wrong for ever thinking that it wouldn't be good for them. Harm was a very talented and compassionate lover and she was so relieved to discover that - even without penetration, which had always been her favorite part - Harm still made her feel _amazing_. And she knew for a fact that Harm had also been _very_ satisfied last night, so she no longer feared feeling like a failure of a wife post hysterectomy. It was empowering to her – it was what she needed to help push her forward.

She rolled over and ran her hand along his side of the mattress. It was still fairly warm and the scent of him lingered on the pillow. He hasn't been gone for long, she thought as she stretched and turned to look at the clock – confirming what her internal clock had said.

0836.

It wasn't a long amount of sleep, considering the time it was when she finally fell asleep, but it was the longest uninterrupted stretch of sleep she had in months, and her internal clock was finally back in sync. Thank God for small victories, she thought. Her world was upside down for so long, and slowly but surely, she realized things were finally starting to be right-side up again.

She didn't even have a nightmare. She knew it was probably just a fluke – it had been a very emotional night for her – but she welcomed the nightmare free night.

The last thing she remembered before drifting off to sleep was Harm making a request:

" _Promise me something, Mac."_

" _Hmm?" she replied, sleepily, her eyes already closed._

" _Promise me that if you have a nightmare, you wake me up."_

 _Her eyes popped open. She didn't know what she was expecting, but that wasn't it._

" _I'm serious, Mac," he continued. "If you have a nightmare, wake me up."_

 _It was a request – or almost even a demand – but his voice carried so much compassion when he said it that it made her feel so valued. "Okay, but promise me you'll do the same."_

" _Mac..."_

" _Promise me," she repeated._

" _I promise," he said as he leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Now sleep. That's an order, Colonel."_

" _Aye, aye, sir," she mumbled, her eyes already closed again._

Mac could hear Harm and Caroline's voices coming from the downstairs and she couldn't wait to see what they were up to. She got out of bed, threw on her robe, and quietly made her way down the stairs. She smiled as she stood into the entryway of the family room and watched the scene play out in front of her.

"No, Daddy, like this," Caroline emphasized as she twirled around in a circle with her fairy godmother wand. "Zippity, boppity, boop."

"Like this?" Harm asked as he repeated the phrase and mimicked her movements.

"No," Caroline shook head and crossed her arms. "I think you need the wand and the dress. Then you'd be good at it."

"The wand _and_ the dress?! I don't think your dress will fit me," he laughed as he picked her up and spun her around.

"Airpane, airpane, airpane," she chanted between giggles as Harm lifted her above his head so she could "fly" around the room.

After several moments passed, Harm said, "The landing is clear. Is Rabb Air preparing for landing?"

"Yes, sir!" Caroline replied as she stretched out her arms and looked toward the couch.

"Landing in, three, two…"

"One!" She and Harm said at the same time before they both flopped on the couch and ended in laughter.

"Are my two favorite aviators hungry for breakfast after their fight?" Mac asked as she joined them on the couch.

"Good morning. How'd you sleep?" Ham said as he leaned over to kiss her, knowing that she wouldn't pull away this time.

When the kiss ended, she smiled against his lips before pulling away to answer the question. "I'm feeling rested for the first time in quite some time. I think it has something to do with a certain naval officer, too."

"Mmm, we can test that theory out tonight."

"I'll be looking forward to it."

"Mommy want French toast?" Caroline asked. "Daddy said we can have French toast 'cause it's Momma's favoritest breakfast."

"French toast is Mommy's favorite, especially when Daddy makes it."

"Daddy said your favorite color is Ma-rine gre-en," Caroline began in her sweet voice, "and your favorite fow-er is roses, and your favorite ice cream is CHOCOLATE! Like me!"

"Yes, yes, and yes," Mac confirmed with a smile. "Your daddy seems to know all of my favorite things, and he always has for as long as I can remember."

"Wow," Caroline commented, her eyes wide with amusement. "That must mean Daddy loves you as much as airpanes. He knows everything about those, too."

"I do think you are right, Caroline," Mac began as the family made their way to the kitchen. "I think Daddy loves both of us as much as airplanes."

"Actually," Harm corrected as he bent down to pick up Caroline and then draped one arm around Mac's shoulders. "I love you and your mommy _more_ than airplanes. Much, much more."

"Wow," Caroline exclaimed, wide-eyed. "That's a lot."


	18. Epilogue

If you're here because you got a new chapter alert in 2020, I promise this wasn't a fake out. I didn't know how to add a previous chapter without causing too much confusion. If you want to see what was added, please go to "10. Chapter 9." It's a filler chapter that I forgot I had, so I added it. It doesn't change the story line, so you can always skip it if you'd rather.

Well...we made it to the final chapter. You can find my more in-depth remarks at the end of this chapter.

* * *

Seasons changed, days come and went, and life went on for the Rabb family. After their late night, early morning heart to heart that fateful Sunday evening, Harm and Mac were finally on solid ground once again. Eventually, they found their "new normal" and like Bud had once told her after Sarah's death, you begin to have more happy days again. The happy days were sporadic at first, but they no longer felt wrong, and that was a huge step forward in her mind.

Mac began going to her Alcoholics Anonymous meetings on a more regular basis, and the urge to drink was much duller than it had been in the first months of losing Audrey. To supplement those meetings, she had bi-weekly appointments with Vera McCool. Those visits also proved to be incredibly beneficial and she finally felt like she had found her identity again.

Mac even had Harm join her at a few which also proved to be insightful. It helped to clear the air of any residual misconceptions from back when they were five and a half years ago, when they got engaged, they thought it was best to keep the past in the past and not dwell on all of the missed opportunities and mistakes they made with each other. They opted to only focus on the future. However, thanks to therapy, they were now more equipped to embrace that their _past_ lead them to their _present_ and their _future._ Their past played a role in defining who they were as individuals and as a couple and it was imperative to talk about the issues they buried in order to make their marriage even stronger.

When she saw them together, it was easy for Vera McCool to see how entwined the two of them were, and she knew that her patient had been right all those years ago. Harmon Rabb would never abandon Sarah MacKenzie and that was abundantly clear. Sometimes, though, people just needed a little guidance on how to communicate and express that to the people they love, and she was happy to help them in the department. She knew they would be okay in the long run.

Mac jumped back into work with two feet, and had no regrets about doing so. She loved her daughter more than anything, but she wasn't the type of person who could be a stay at home mom indefinitely. She knew that the other moms in Caroline's play groups whispered about it behind her back, but she never let it get to her. She didn't understand how some of those women could be so closed minded. Harm always reminded her that those women were stuck up and snobby, and most likely just envious of everything she could do.

Perhaps if they had to send Caroline to daycare all day everyday –and not sporadically like when Harm took her to the Pentagon daycare that summer- Mac would have had more reservations about returning to work. However, Harriet insisted on babysitting and the arrangement worked out perfectly. The "mom guilt" she felt was brief. She found work almost instantly at a moderate sized law firm that focused on child custody cases, child advocacy, family law, and adoption law. She had been appointed by the court on several cases as guardian-ad litem and found that she even got to use her investigatory skills once again. She respected and admired her coworkers and found that working at this law firm was nothing like working at Dalton's firm all those years ago where she was only "permitted" to write briefs for the partners. She was happy there and she enjoyed it. Harm was so glad she found a law firm that she could thrive in and he could tell that she loved it as much as she had loved JAG.

Harm did help her brush up on statutes and case laws, and he graciously made room in his home office for to have her own space as well. Occasionally, they both would have to bring work home with them, and after they put Caroline to bed, they would end up in the office. With their desk lamps illuminating the small space, pencils, yellow legal pads, and case files spread out between them, they often felt like they were back at JAG again, working late on cases together . Sometimes they even ordered Chinese for old times' sake.

They didn't make a decision yet on whether or not they would pursue adoption or fostering down the road – it was still too soon for them to think that way after just losing Audrey in May – but they were both open to discussion about it. They did, however, begin the process of an adult adoption for Mattie since Tom had once again abandoned her. The plan was to prove that they had stood "in loco parentis" for Mattie for longer than three months before she turned eighteen, to remind the court that Harm did have temporary legal custody of Mattie during her health crisis, and that they had wanted to adopt her before but she had turned eighteen before that happened. Preparing to go to court for that was by far some of the most unusual caselaw Mac had ever studied, and she knew that no matter how well she thought she and Harm could argue a case, they needed help. Colleagues had told Mac that that most judges weren't too keen on adult adoptions because they were old-school judges and the concept of an adult adoption was relatively new and still very unusual. The most senior partner at Mac's firm, heard through the grapevine what she, Harm, and Mattie wanted to do, and he offered to take the case for them. Mac was amazed by his generosity and compassion towards her and her family and knew without a doubt that she picked the right firm to work for. Mattie's adoption was on track to be finalized at the end of the year, and they all were thrilled about that.

Not too long after their late-night turning point, the time was right to resume the most intimate part of their relationship _completely._ That part of their relationship had a new dynamic, and although it was different, it was not bad nor scary. It felt right because the two of them were together. It made her feel complete and safe in the best way possible and all those little things she had anxiety about – her caesarian scar, her libido changing and so much more – didn't intimidate her as much now because everything was less scary to her when she and Harm were facing the issues together.

* * *

 _On Labor Day weekend, Harm had a few extra days of leave, so they drove up to the farm earlier than they normally would with the knowledge that they could stay even longer, too. It was the first time they made the trip to the farm in a very long time, and both of them were really looking forward to it._

 _It felt so good to leave Alexandria for a few days, and Caroline thought the whole thing was some type of grand adventure. They played hours of "I Spy" in the car and_ _much to their surprise,_ _Caroline_ _only asked "are we there yet" once. Harm had a feeling that she was slowly beginning to inherit more of her mother's internal clock every day._

 _From the moment her parents unbuckled her from the car seat and let her run up to the front porch, Caroline loved the farm and the airfield. She was completely in awe of "Sarah" and listened intently as Harm told her about the plane and how important it was to him. When Caroline was sitting in the cockpit smiling, and Harm was leaning next to the plane explaining what certain controls were, Mac snapped the perfect picture. It wasn't even planned or set up – the moment was completely candid – but it was so much like that picture Harm had with his father that Mac couldn't let the opportunity slip away. Someday, Mac knew that Harm and Caroline would recrate the image again with an F-14 or something, and Mac knew that moment would cement Caroline's desire to be the next Rabb naval aviator. She just knew. Maybe Harm was right...it was in the Rabb blood._

 _That weekend at the farm, the Roberts family came up for two days. It was tradition for Uncle Harm to take all his godchildren for plane rides every Labor Day. The weekend was filled with laughter and cookouts and simply an all-around wonderful time. When Bud and Harriet were packing up their family to go home Sunday night, they offered to bring Caroline home with them so Harm and Mac could spend their remaining days at the farm alone. Mac hadn't been expecting the offer, but it was another way fate worked in mysterious ways, because now that they wouldn't need to get a sitter for Caroline, she could ask Harm to take her flying._

 _It was still hot and humid late Sunday night when Harm and Mac were sitting together on the front porch swing. Harm was using his foot to gently move the swing back and forth and sounds of soft jazz music filtered to the outside from the stereo inside. They were alternating between giving each other soft, sensual kisses and feeding each other pieces of cold fruit from the bowl on the table beside them._

 _Mac had her arm looped through Harm's and her head resting on his shoulder. "Hey, can I ask you something?" she ventured, as she brought her gaze up to meet his._

" _Always," he replied. Something in her tone caused him to furrow his brow. She sounded unsure of herself and it worried him._

" _Will you take me flying tomorrow?" She asked, hopefully. "Unless of course you had enough of a fix today and aren't up to it..." she trailed off when she noticed the look in his eyes. She smirked to herself knowing that she had completely managed to catch him off guard with her question. She could tell there was no way he would have expected her to ask him that._

" _ **You**_ _want to go flying with_ _ **me**_ _? In "Sarah?" Who are you and what have you done with my wife?" Harm asked, shocked. She hadn't flown in "Sarah" with him since the poachers shot her when they first became partners._

 _Mac nodded. "Yes. Just a nice, simple, calm flight. No theatrics and hopefully no poachers."_

" _Are you sure you don't have a fever or something?" He reached out and touched her forehead._

 _She smiled. "There's a reason I want to fly with you. Hear me out?" she asked._

" _Argue your case, Counselor," he said, with a smile. "I'm listening."_

" _I brought Audrey's ashes with us, and if you are okay with it, too, I think it is the right time to spread them."_

 _Harm was taken aback and stopped rocking the swing. He always figured they would spread their daughter's ashes someday, but he didn't think Mac would be ready for that now. He thought it would be a long way down the road. "You're sure?"_

 _She nodded and squeezed his hand. "I'm ready. Are you? If you aren't, we can wait."_

" _I'm ready," he said, softly._

" _I have been thinking about it for a while, and it just feels right," she continued. "At first, I thought it would be nice to spread them at the farm because of how important this place is to us, but then I remembered that you flew somewhere when you spread Grandma Sarah's ashes. I was thinking you can fly us to that spot. It would mean a lot to me if Audrey and Grandma Sarah were together."_

 _He could feel the tears form in his eyes. He went alone to spread his grandmother's ashes and settle the rest of her estate after her passing. Mac had been eight months pregnant at the time, and her doctor advised her not to travel. He didn't want to leave Mac so close to her due date, but he didn't have much of choice. He only planned on being gone for three days at most, and Jen had assured Harm she would make sure Mac was well taken care of in London. Mac wished she could have gone with Harm for support and comfort, but found peace in knowing that Trish and Frank were going to meet him at the farm for at least one of those days._

 _When the time came to actually spread Grandma Sarah's ashes, he told his mother and stepfather that he wanted to do something more symbolic than just spreading them at the farm. He finally decided he wanted to take her for one last ride in the plane that shared her name. He didn't set out with a destination in mind, he just decided to take off and see where he would wind up. It didn't take him long to find the perfect spot – it was only about 30 minutes south of the airfield. It was a beautiful, spacious clearing surrounded by mountains in the distance. Something about it made it more calm and serene than any place he had ever found before. He told Mac that night when he called her that it was like Grandma Sarah had guided him there. In the years since her death, he found himself returning to that spot when he needed to decompress. It helped him feel close to Grams just like going to the wall helped him feel close to his dad._

" _Harm? Are you okay?" she questioned when he didn't say anything. "We can go somewhere else if you'd rather..."_

" _Mac, I think that is perfect." He said when he finally found his voice again. "It will be really comforting for me to know that they are together." His voice was so soft she could hardly hear him_

 _She nodded her head against his chest. "Me, too."_

 _They resumed swinging again in a comfortable silence, each one reflecting on the whirlwind of a ride their life had taken them on in the last ten months. Both coming to the same conclusion – there was no one else they would rather have by their side through all of this._

* * *

That flying experience was so amazing to her...spiritual even. She felt grounded, and calmer, and closer than ever to Harm. She even told him that she would fly with him on a more regular basis now. Harm had tried to play it cool, but Mac could tell how excited he was that she felt that way now. Flying was such an important part of his life, and she knew that he loved sharing that with her.

* * *

Rabb Residence  
November 19, 2010

Harm walked through the front door of the house with a bounce in his step. It was a cool, crisp November afternoon. He knew Mac was only working half a day, so he decided to clear his afternoon and leave the office early, too. It was the little moments like that he enjoyed the most. Sure, the big moments- birthdays, vacations, and holidays- were memorable and special, but there was something he liked so much about a simple hour or two on a random day where they could simply enjoy being together. Those moments were incredibly beautiful to him.

Harm hung up his overcoat and took of his jacket. He placed his briefcase on the floor in the foyer and his cover on the table. He sniffed, smelling the heavenly aromas of the house and instantly knew Mac had baked an apple pie. He grinned as he followed the sounds of The Monotones coming from the stereo to the kitchen.

"Tell me, tell me, tell me oh, who wrote the book of love," Mac sang as she danced, with Caroline in her arms, around the island in the kitchen. The kitchen very well looked like an atomic bomb of flour went off, but Mac didn't seem to care, she was too busy making memories with Caroline.

"Book of love!" Caroline practically screamed very off key as she ran her fingers through Mac's hair and made streaks of flour in it. She admired her own handiwork and giggled. "Mommy looks silly!"

Mac picked up a very small amount of flour from the counter top and ran it through Caroline's hair. "There, now Caroline looks silly, too," she laughed.

Caroline caught a glimpse of their reflection in the glass front of the wall oven. "We have hair like Uncle AJ," she laughed. "It's white!"

Harm's smile grew as he crossed the threshold of the kitchen and made himself known. When he met Mac in the rose garden all those years ago, he never could have known how is life would turn out. They had their share of trials, tribulations and heartache, but they were also blessed enough to share so much joy together as well. There was a time when he never could have pictured himself settling down and starting a family, but hindsight was twenty-twenty. Settling down, starting a family and doing all the things that scare you are easier when they are with the right person, and Sarah MacKenzie was that person – together they made each other better.

"Hi, there," he finally said.

Mac spun around, still swaying to the music. Her smile grew even brighter when they made eye contact. "You're home early. What's the occasion?"

"No occasion – just decided to clear my schedule early today," he closed the distance between them and gave her a quick kiss.

"Hi, Daddy!" Caroline exclaimed happily. "You need hair like Uncle AJ, too," she said as she dropped a handful of flour on top of his head. "There," she giggled, she reached her arms out towards Harm and he took her from her mother's arms, not even caring that he would have to take this uniform straight to the cleaner's tomorrow morning.

"How was your day, Itsy-Bitsy?"

"Fun! Aunt Harriet bought me a purple bow AND a purple dress and then Mommy and I made pie and danced. Can you dance with me and Mommy now? Ple-eeaze?"

"It would be my pleasure. May I have this dance?" He requested formally as he moved Caroline to one hip and extended his hand outward to his wife.

"Always," came her simple, yet meaningful reply, as she took his hand and the family danced to the music in the background. "You and me, Rabb. We're in this together."

There was a lot about life that he didn't know. He didn't know about where his career would lead him. Would he be the next JAG? Or would he get a completely different billet someday and have to move his family across the world again? Would they pursue adoption down the road? He didn't know that either. But what he did know was that blood didn't make a family...love did. And he was blessed to say that they had a whole lot of love in their lives. No matter the size was of their family, they would be able to be happy and face whatever life threw at them as long as they were together.

.

Who wrote the book of love  
Baby, baby, baby  
I love you, yes I do  
Well, it says so in this book of love  
Ours is the one that's true  
I wonder, wonder who, bi du du, who  
Who wrote the book of love

* * *

A few final notes I wanted to leave here at this end of this story:

First of all – thank you to each and everyone of you who took the time to read and review and stick with me on this journey I took Harm and Mac on – typos and all! Child loss, depression, alcoholism, and marriage rough patches are a very real part of society, and I hope I addressed it in a realistic and respectful way.

I actually started writing this story in 2015...would you believe that? Almost exactly four years ago, I wrote the prologue, chapter fifteen and the epilogue. I knew how I wanted to start, and how I wanted it to end, but I struggled with everything in between for a long time -probably because I never wrote something so sad –or so long- before.

It was tough at times, and I let it sit in a random folder on my computer harddrive for years until I decided to challenge myself to finish this story regardless. In 2017, I revisited it again, but still struggled with how I wanted to proceed, so I took a break from it and I wrote the sequel first – Tell Me The Story – which follows Harm, Mac, and Caroline several years down the road.

So, enough of my rambling. If you haven't already read – Tell Me The Story – I would love it if you dropped by to see where my version of the Rabb family was in 2017, and even if you already read the story, maybe you'd like to read it again now that you know what lead them to where they were in that story. (I will go back in the new future to make sure that everything in these two stories line up, but I'm _pretty_ sure they should without any major revisions needed).

I hope this isn't the end of the Rabb family that I crafted in this universe. I would love to revisit them again, but I can't promise my muse will cooperate. Hopefully it will. What I would really like to do would be to make a story of one shots that take place after this ends. I feel like Caroline is at such a fun age at this point and I would love to see some more of Harm and Mac's interactions with her at this particular stage in their lives. If there is anything you'd like to see in particular, please speak up! Maybe it will spark something!


End file.
